If you want to see a room full of panicked looking faces walk into the offices of Injury Lawyers for U and pretend to fall over and brake your arm.
=====
Well what do you know?
After my mate spending several hundred pounds and six months of counselling, it turns out his obsession for Chinese porn simply stems from girlfriend after girlfriend having to squint to see his tiny cock.
=====
"Carlsberg don't do nightclubs, but if we did ..."
"Carlsberg don't do banks, but if we did ..."
"Carlsberg don't do flatmates, but if we did ..."
We'll, maybe you should start closer to home and make a lager that doesn't taste like shit.
=====
Hello, I'm wondering if anyone can help me.
I'm trying to find a girl that goes by the name of "Off."
Because every woman I talk to tells me I can fuck her.
=====
Why do chav babies get two slaps on the arse when they're born?
One slap so they start breathing and the other so they let go of the midwife's watch.
=====
America, it's about time you got over the 9/11 Attacks.
It's not like we keep on about Maddie or Diana.
=====
They could solve a lot of problems if they just gave prison inmates liquid soap.
=====
I always wondered why Tigger and Eeyore didn't swap their medication sometimes.
=====
My mum always used to tell me not to look down at the ground when walking but to look ahead so I don't bump into anything.
Not good advice really. I keep tripping over dwarves.
=====
When I'm nervous I start rambling.
Last time it happened, I ended up 5 miles away from my interview.
=====
My mother used to tell me: "Go for the Ugly Women, they'll always be faithfull"
Obviously she'd never seen The Jeremy Kyle Show.
=====
A husband says to his wife during dinner: "I bet you will not be able to tell me something that will make me happy and angry at the same time!"
His wife thinks for a seconds and says: "You have the biggest cock in the neighborhood."
=====
I registered on a dating website last night.
Looking for a woman between 18-98 years old, fat or thin with black, blonde or brown hair.
Personality not important.
Must live somewhere in the UK.
I really wanted to write, 'Must like watching soaps' but I didn't want to come across too fussy.
=====
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
=====
What have a car and a naked woman at Glastonbury got in common?
Mudflaps.
=====
BBC News: "Despite conventional wisdom, 47% of men are more romantic than women."
The other 53% are straight.
=====
When I was out on a date with my girlfriend I asked her what she'd do if she found out that I was really a billionaire.
Without hesitating she replied, "Anal".
=====
I woke up this morning and found my big toe was missing, in it's place was a litte note that read 'gone to market.'
=====
BBC News : Capello admits England were lucky Not sure about Capello's grasp of the English language.
But I imagine in the morning he walks past his wife, newspaper in hand, heading towards the bathroom while loosening his belt and says "I'm just off for a big, smelly lucky".
=====
So Ghadaffi has disappeared.
Have they checked his house?
=====
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Tyrannosaurus Rex."
"And how long have you felt like this?"
"About 65 million years."
=====
I burst into the police station today.
"I have a confession," I said. "I killed my chav neighbour and fed him to my dog."
"Right get the cuffs on him lads," an officer exclaimed. "And charge him with animal cruelty."
======
It looks like we've got a new postman.
He just laughed when he came through the gate that has a sign "Beware of the Cat".
Must be his first time delivering to Safari World.
=====
I said, "Did it hurt?" She looked puzzled, so I continued. "Did it hurt, when you fell from heaven?"
She lifted her head slightly and whispered, "Please... call... an ambulance..."
That's when I looked up and realised she'd actually fallen out of a window.
=====
BBC NEWS: 'Dale Farm' travellers to be moved after 10 years of negotiations.
If you ask me, you're not much of a traveller if you've been in one place for a decade.
=====
I've just applied to be on the next series of Britain's Next Top Model.
I just hope they like my 1/24 scale Spitfire.
=====
Wayne Rooney plays in the number 10 shirt, or as he sees it the Stick and the Circle.
=====
Sir Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger met in a pub, Alex goes up to buy pints for Arsene and himself. After they've finished Arsene goes up for the second lot, then Alex for the third. After they have both drank their beers Alex turns to Arsene and says "shouldn't you fuck off, it's the fourth round"
=====
Well what do you know?
After my mate spending several hundred pounds and six months of counselling, it turns out his obsession for Chinese porn simply stems from girlfriend after girlfriend having to squint to see his tiny cock.
=====
"Carlsberg don't do nightclubs, but if we did ..."
"Carlsberg don't do banks, but if we did ..."
"Carlsberg don't do flatmates, but if we did ..."
We'll, maybe you should start closer to home and make a lager that doesn't taste like shit.
=====
Hello, I'm wondering if anyone can help me.
I'm trying to find a girl that goes by the name of "Off."
Because every woman I talk to tells me I can fuck her.
=====
Why do chav babies get two slaps on the arse when they're born?
One slap so they start breathing and the other so they let go of the midwife's watch.
=====
America, it's about time you got over the 9/11 Attacks.
It's not like we keep on about Maddie or Diana.
=====
They could solve a lot of problems if they just gave prison inmates liquid soap.
=====
I always wondered why Tigger and Eeyore didn't swap their medication sometimes.
=====
My mum always used to tell me not to look down at the ground when walking but to look ahead so I don't bump into anything.
Not good advice really. I keep tripping over dwarves.
=====
When I'm nervous I start rambling.
Last time it happened, I ended up 5 miles away from my interview.
=====
My mother used to tell me: "Go for the Ugly Women, they'll always be faithfull"
Obviously she'd never seen The Jeremy Kyle Show.
=====
A husband says to his wife during dinner: "I bet you will not be able to tell me something that will make me happy and angry at the same time!"
His wife thinks for a seconds and says: "You have the biggest cock in the neighborhood."
=====
I registered on a dating website last night.
Looking for a woman between 18-98 years old, fat or thin with black, blonde or brown hair.
Personality not important.
Must live somewhere in the UK.
I really wanted to write, 'Must like watching soaps' but I didn't want to come across too fussy.
=====
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
=====
What have a car and a naked woman at Glastonbury got in common?
Mudflaps.
=====
BBC News: "Despite conventional wisdom, 47% of men are more romantic than women."
The other 53% are straight.
=====
When I was out on a date with my girlfriend I asked her what she'd do if she found out that I was really a billionaire.
Without hesitating she replied, "Anal".
=====
I woke up this morning and found my big toe was missing, in it's place was a litte note that read 'gone to market.'
=====
BBC News : Capello admits England were lucky Not sure about Capello's grasp of the English language.
But I imagine in the morning he walks past his wife, newspaper in hand, heading towards the bathroom while loosening his belt and says "I'm just off for a big, smelly lucky".
=====
So Ghadaffi has disappeared.
Have they checked his house?
=====
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Tyrannosaurus Rex."
"And how long have you felt like this?"
"About 65 million years."
=====
I burst into the police station today.
"I have a confession," I said. "I killed my chav neighbour and fed him to my dog."
"Right get the cuffs on him lads," an officer exclaimed. "And charge him with animal cruelty."
======
It looks like we've got a new postman.
He just laughed when he came through the gate that has a sign "Beware of the Cat".
Must be his first time delivering to Safari World.
=====
I said, "Did it hurt?" She looked puzzled, so I continued. "Did it hurt, when you fell from heaven?"
She lifted her head slightly and whispered, "Please... call... an ambulance..."
That's when I looked up and realised she'd actually fallen out of a window.
=====
BBC NEWS: 'Dale Farm' travellers to be moved after 10 years of negotiations.
If you ask me, you're not much of a traveller if you've been in one place for a decade.
=====
I've just applied to be on the next series of Britain's Next Top Model.
I just hope they like my 1/24 scale Spitfire.
=====
Wayne Rooney plays in the number 10 shirt, or as he sees it the Stick and the Circle.
=====
Sir Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger met in a pub, Alex goes up to buy pints for Arsene and himself. After they've finished Arsene goes up for the second lot, then Alex for the third. After they have both drank their beers Alex turns to Arsene and says "shouldn't you fuck off, it's the fourth round"
What did the letter O say to Q?
Dude, your dick is hanging out.
=====
My wife came down the stairs, "Well done," she said, "Your daughter's up there in a right state."
"I was only trying to help," I said, "I know how much she misses that guinea pig."
"And you actually thought that making it into a glove puppet was a good idea?"
=====
Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet.
They have clearly never tested a man watching porn whilst his wife is asleep.
=====
I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know.
I replied, "Who's this?"
I got a message back saying, "Your worst fucking nightmare."
Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.
=====
I went in the Tate Modern to use the toilets earlier today there was shit all over the walls. Luckily the toilets were clean though.
=====
A man walks into a library and says 'Have you got Christopher Reeves autobiography?'
'Yeah. It's that dusty old book over there with the broken spine.'
=====
I told my girlfriend today she reminds me of my dad.
She said "Why? Because you can be yourself around me, I'm like family and I will always love you?" With an innocent, caring smile on her face.
"No, because you give fucking good handjobs."
=====
BBC News: 'Rooney destroys Bulgaria'
Now there's an episode of the Wombles I can't see my self watching.
=====
My friend makes the most of being ginger, he finds a hen night....and waits for the dares to begin.
=====
It was awful having to identify my wife after she was attacked with an axe.
I lifted the sheet and was greeted with a horrific sight. She had been hacked about in a frenzy. What was her face was now an open gash but she looked strangely at peace.
As I started to sob, the doctor gently whispered in my ear, "Lift the sheet at the other end."
=====
I wish I could write jeoks.
=====
I thank god that I was raised Catholic, because that way sex is always dirty.
=====
I was lying in bed with the wife last night, when she asked me what I'd most like to do to her body.
'Identify It' was apparently the wrong answer.
=====
A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA The husband picks up a case of Tennants Lager and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tennants and it's half the price.'
=====
Got my seat booked for next year's open air wanking festival in London and I can't wait. Thankfully the Mrs. is none the wiser.
It says Olympics Beach Volley Ball on the ticket.
=====
Watching the X Factor tonight it's really inspired me. Yes I'm definitely going to the auditions next year...........With an AK-47.
=====
I can tell the new square bottle necks from Becks are really going to aggravate me.
Mainly because my arse hole is round.
=====
London is going to build a new attraction for those on benefits.
It's to be called "The Lazy Eye."
=====
So Emile Heskey finally hit the net.
It turns out he was just playing tennis and he's shit at that too.
=====
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
=====
BBC News: Boy dies after masturbating 42 times in a row.
It's sad to see him toss his life away like that.
=====
I went on Dragons Den with my landmine clearing device.
Peter Jones said, "How does it work?"
I said, "I load packets of Haribo into this catapult mechanism and then fire them across the mine field"
He said, "Right, and then?"
I said, "Then we open Jedwards cage"
He said, "I'm going to make you an offer."
=====
I had such a stinky shit this morning, my wife wouldn't even go in the bathroom.
She didn't want to walk past it on the landing.
=====
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer.
"I'm looking for some cheap flights," I replied.
"Oh that's great love," she said. "Have you found any? I'll help you look."
She usually isn't that interested in darts.
=====
Living in Thailand whenever I meet a woman in a bar I am understandably dubious, however I have a little test.
I give them my car keys and ask them to drive me home.
Obviously it has its pitfalls, if she passes the test, we have to walk back from the crash site.
=====
I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:
Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.
Don't get me wrong, I like short birds, but 3 green eyes? No wonder she can't find a bloke.
=====
My wife came down from having a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my pussy in the bath and you know what that means?"
I said, "The plug hole is blocked and I need to clean the bath."
=====
People reckon I'm perverted because I only employ really slender women.
That's just bullshit. I employ anorexics because they don't need to take a lunch-break.
Dude, your dick is hanging out.
=====
My wife came down the stairs, "Well done," she said, "Your daughter's up there in a right state."
"I was only trying to help," I said, "I know how much she misses that guinea pig."
"And you actually thought that making it into a glove puppet was a good idea?"
=====
Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet.
They have clearly never tested a man watching porn whilst his wife is asleep.
=====
I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know.
I replied, "Who's this?"
I got a message back saying, "Your worst fucking nightmare."
Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.
=====
I went in the Tate Modern to use the toilets earlier today there was shit all over the walls. Luckily the toilets were clean though.
=====
A man walks into a library and says 'Have you got Christopher Reeves autobiography?'
'Yeah. It's that dusty old book over there with the broken spine.'
=====
I told my girlfriend today she reminds me of my dad.
She said "Why? Because you can be yourself around me, I'm like family and I will always love you?" With an innocent, caring smile on her face.
"No, because you give fucking good handjobs."
=====
BBC News: 'Rooney destroys Bulgaria'
Now there's an episode of the Wombles I can't see my self watching.
=====
My friend makes the most of being ginger, he finds a hen night....and waits for the dares to begin.
=====
It was awful having to identify my wife after she was attacked with an axe.
I lifted the sheet and was greeted with a horrific sight. She had been hacked about in a frenzy. What was her face was now an open gash but she looked strangely at peace.
As I started to sob, the doctor gently whispered in my ear, "Lift the sheet at the other end."
=====
I wish I could write jeoks.
=====
I thank god that I was raised Catholic, because that way sex is always dirty.
=====
I was lying in bed with the wife last night, when she asked me what I'd most like to do to her body.
'Identify It' was apparently the wrong answer.
=====
A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA The husband picks up a case of Tennants Lager and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tennants and it's half the price.'
=====
Got my seat booked for next year's open air wanking festival in London and I can't wait. Thankfully the Mrs. is none the wiser.
It says Olympics Beach Volley Ball on the ticket.
=====
Watching the X Factor tonight it's really inspired me. Yes I'm definitely going to the auditions next year...........With an AK-47.
=====
I can tell the new square bottle necks from Becks are really going to aggravate me.
Mainly because my arse hole is round.
=====
London is going to build a new attraction for those on benefits.
It's to be called "The Lazy Eye."
=====
So Emile Heskey finally hit the net.
It turns out he was just playing tennis and he's shit at that too.
=====
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
=====
BBC News: Boy dies after masturbating 42 times in a row.
It's sad to see him toss his life away like that.
=====
I went on Dragons Den with my landmine clearing device.
Peter Jones said, "How does it work?"
I said, "I load packets of Haribo into this catapult mechanism and then fire them across the mine field"
He said, "Right, and then?"
I said, "Then we open Jedwards cage"
He said, "I'm going to make you an offer."
=====
I had such a stinky shit this morning, my wife wouldn't even go in the bathroom.
She didn't want to walk past it on the landing.
=====
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer.
"I'm looking for some cheap flights," I replied.
"Oh that's great love," she said. "Have you found any? I'll help you look."
She usually isn't that interested in darts.
=====
Living in Thailand whenever I meet a woman in a bar I am understandably dubious, however I have a little test.
I give them my car keys and ask them to drive me home.
Obviously it has its pitfalls, if she passes the test, we have to walk back from the crash site.
=====
I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:
Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.
Don't get me wrong, I like short birds, but 3 green eyes? No wonder she can't find a bloke.
=====
My wife came down from having a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my pussy in the bath and you know what that means?"
I said, "The plug hole is blocked and I need to clean the bath."
=====
People reckon I'm perverted because I only employ really slender women.
That's just bullshit. I employ anorexics because they don't need to take a lunch-break.