Mitt Romney spent $800m+ to not be President.
I spent nothing for the same result.
Who's the better business man now?
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Our family surname is "Daniels". So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.
She hates it.
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I saw a teenage girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.
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"What the hell is going on here?" I said to my son as I walked into his bedroom, "Look at the fucking state of it!"
"She's not that bad, dad."
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Holly Willoughby was on This Morning.
I know because there was blood in her knickers.
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I slapped my sexy secretary on the arse and said, "Keep up the good work, good lookin'."
Consequently, my son now hates working with me.
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Yesterday my son came to me:
"Dad, I don't want to go to school anymore."
"That's okay, son.", I said, "But just remember one thing."
He looked at me: "What thing?"
"I like my Whopper without cucumbers."
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I just saw my mate pick his nose, and then he ate it.
Leprosy is disgusting.
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I overheard my wgirlfriend telling her friend that when we have sex, it's like there's fireworks in the bedroom.
I felt quite proud until I remembered we buy our fireworks from Lidl.
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I saw this woman driving a huge car and I thought: "She must have a really small clit."
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My new dog is a cross between a Doberman and a Labrador.
It scared the shit out of me, but at least it had the decency to fetch some toilet roll.
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So Sharon Osborn had both her tits removed, big deal, I'm sure she won't miss Jack And Kelly that much.
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When I was a child, my mother always used to say, "Honesty and hard work always leads to a successful life"
Now when I see my boss, I think it fucking isn't.
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If you're born in November you know your parents had a brilliant valentines day.
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I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job.
I knew it was a shit squad with no future, so I declined the offer.
I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.
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My boss said, "Why are all the people in the office crying?"
"You told me to bang some heads together."
He said, "Talk about taking things too literally!"
So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.
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My girlfriend says the new breast implants make her feel uncomfortable.
But I think I look sexy.
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I've just realised how evil building tree houses really is.
It's like killing someone and nailing them to his mate.
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My new girlfriend told me that she was into Extreme Bondage.
So I took her to see Skyfall 26 times.
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Guy Fawkes night celebrates a failed terrorist attempt in England.
If 9/11 had failed would we now be spending that night every year playing with Jenga and model planes.?
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I tried to kill myself earlier by overdosing on Prozac, but I felt okay after the first one.
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I'm proud to say that I've reached the ripe old age of 49 without ever once paying for sex.
Mind you, I have been beaten up by a few pimps.
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I was having sex with my date last night when she said, "Jesus, you're like a dog on heat!"
"Like an animal in the bedroom, eh?" I smiled.
"No, You're fucking humping my leg."
Louis Walsh: Tulisa, thanks for keeping Rylan in X factor, you could learn a lot from him.
Tulisa: Yeah Louis he has charisma and a good singing voice'
Louis Walsh: Singing? That man can suck a knob properly.
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Men's penises are normally a good indication of what the temperature is.
But my girlfriend thinks I should use a thermometer when she's feeling poorly.
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My dad told me he thought I was really weird when he caught me masturbating frantically
Personally I think its weird that we've even got a dog called 'frantically'.
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I've called my new company "Taste".
Thus saving me a fortune in accountancy fees.
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Why would you take a photo in the mirror with an iPad?
It just looks like you're taking a photo with a baking tray.
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I like to take off my shoes when I sit down on the toilet at work.
That way the person in the adjacent cubicle can't tell it's me wanking.
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They count every single vote in America in less than a day, yet it takes teachers over 2 months to mark a multiple-choice exam paper read by a machine.
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If actions speak louder than words, then why is it the thought that counts?
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I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.
"Come on, you stupid twat!" I shouted. "Get a fucking move on!"
She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me.
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Mitt vs Barack
Battle of the shittest first names ever.
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"That's a nice pair of Crocs!" said no one ever.
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I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor.
Someone offered me three grand for it.
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As I pulled out a condom to prepare for sex with my dodgy looking date , she gave me a really funny look.
"You can never be to careful when having a one night stand," I assured her.
"I understand that," she replied, "but that's the eighth one you've put on."
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A man walks into a golf shop.
"I'd like to return this talking electronic golf aid I bought last week."
"That's the very latest technology," the assistant replies. "It uses the same range finding software employed by the military. It's proven to be 100% accurate."
"I'm not doubting it's ability to advise on distances and club selection," The man explains.
"Well, what's the problem?" He asked.
"After about three holes and two lost balls it stopped trying to give advice and joined my playing partners in taking the piss out of me."
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I fucked a model last night.
Now I'm banned from Games Workshop.
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"Doctor.. I've got a problem, but it's a bit embarrassing."
"Don't be shy," he replied, gesturing for me to stand, "I've seen it all before. Come on then let's have a look."
"Actually Doc it's..."
"Hurry up man!" He commanded, "Drop your trousers! I haven't got all day."
Doing as I was instructed, he chuckled as he saw my penis.
"Good grief! It's not that small," he said. "Bit lacking in girth maybe, but nothing to be too embarrassed about."
"Thanks for that," I replied, pulling my trousers up, "But can we talk about the halitosis now?"
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"I'll let you two guys get to know each other," my daughter said before going to get changed.
I turned to her boyfriend who looked a bit shocked when I handed him a packet of condoms. "Here. I'd make sure you use these if I were you. Dirty little cow's always at the clap clinic."
That should make the fucker think twice.
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Putting a steak on a black eye will actually make it worse, because I will punch you for wasting steak.
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David Cameron: "I look forward to working with Barack Obama for the next four years."
2 years Dave, 2 years.
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"It doesn't matter if you're Black or White, Hispanic or Asian, Gay or Straight young or Old..."
Fucking hell, Obama's turned into Michael Jackson.
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I broke into my neighbour's house and stole the keys to his Ferrari.
I love keys.
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They call me The Hatchet because I shit in hats.
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Women complain that men treat them as objects.
Then they buy a vibrator.
Isn't that just women treating objects as men?
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After reading the Kama Sutra, I came to the conclusion, and then wiped my cock on the index.
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I was in the pool on holiday when I realised I needed a shit.
It quickly became apparent that I wouldn't make it to the toilet, so I decided to do it in the pool and pretend it was a chocolate bar.
Unfortunately, thanks to a dodgy curry the night before, I had to change my story and say it was chocolate milkshake.