*knock knock*
Who's there?
*knock knock*
Who's there?
*knock knock*
Who's there?
Look Jesus, let me finish nailing your feet and quit the fucking jokes, eh!?
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My father was a very skilled joiner, so naturally, I followed in his footsteps.
Between us we've got eighteen gym memberships and thirty two library cards.
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My girlfriend pulled out a strap-on and said, "Tonight I want to be the man."
So I handed her a porn mag and made her sleep on the sofa.
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I've had shits that have lasted longer than Katie Price's marriages.
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I remember my first blow job, just like I remember my first Werther's Original.
Coincidently they were both given to me by my grandfather.
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I've just booked a holiday.
They don't call me 'the most overzealous referee in the football league' for nothing.
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John Travolta: "I want to go to Grooce for my holidays"
Travel Agent: "Greece is the word"
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I met a guy called Larry the other day.
Didn't live up to his name though.
He was fucking miserable.
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All generalizations are bad.
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I went for a blood test today.
It didn't go well.
So I joined the Crips.
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Just to clear things up, I use a brush.
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I've been suspecting that my son has been smoking, so when he got home tonight I sniffed his fingers.
He hasn't been smoking but his girlfriend could do with a wash.
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"200 girls taken? Game on"
- Liam Neeson
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I hate having dinner with my wife's friends.
I can never remember which ones she secretly hates.
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I was in a shop in Liverpool today.
All the items had a steal-by date.
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Mirrors.
Skype for schizophrenics.
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The Sun: "How would your dad react if George Clooney proposed?"
I think the better question is why would George Clooney propose to my dad?
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I just saw a woman wearing a tee-shirt with D & G on the front.
I know it's normal for women to have different sized breasts but that's ridiculous!
What's the difference between Kate Moss and Max Clifford?
Kate Moss is on the front cover of Vogue.
Max Clifford is doing Time.
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Lead: noun - A soft grey metallic element that is very heavy.
So heavy that a whole Scouse football team can't seem to hold it.
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I'm posing naked for an art class tonight.
Nobody asked me to.
I think they're making ceramic bowls, or something.
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Apparently there was a violent criminal on the loose called the Skull Cracker.
What next a gun-toting amputee on the loose called the Blade Runner?
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I called my dog shark.
I'm now banned from every beach in England.
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"Where did you bury the body Gerry?"
"No comment"
"How long have you been a member of the IRA Gerry?"
"Erm... What's this got to do with my holiday in Portugal?"
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Two suicidal perverts are standing at the top of a cliff, looking out to sea and at the rocks below.
One turns to the other and says "you're thinking about tossing yourself off, aren't you?"
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The Star: Katie Price is expecting her 5th child with her soon to be 3rd ex-husband.
I'd like to see Charles Darwin apply his theory of natural selection to that particular case study.
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I'm not saying that I was born kinky, but I used to masturbate in public just so my dad would smack my arse.
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I'm currently in the annoying process of moving.
Think I'm sitting on the remote.
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Asteroids.
Drugs for enhancing muscles in the anus.
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Say what you like about the scousers, but they are indirectly responsible for one of the greatest motoring inventions of our time.
Locking wheel nuts.
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Give a man a fish,and he'll eat for a day.
Unless he ordered steak,then you're a shit waiter.
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I keep getting emails saying how Viagra will improve my sex life.
It's not helped though, now I just sit here on my own with a hard-on.
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More than 5,000 people have attended a "knob throwing" competition in Dorset.
Following a misunderstanding, I was the only one arrested.
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Anyone else noticed that Nigel Farage's initials are NF?
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I found an imprint of the face of Jesus on my mattress.
Or "cum-stain" as the non-believers are calling it.