I only seem to pull really thick women. Not one manages to give me her number correctly.
=====
God gave women mouths for a very good reason.
Then the sadistic bastard gave them vocal cords.
=====
Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon.
You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over all the pieces, shit on the board and strut around triumphantly.
=====
Some bloke was acting all hard in the pub tonight.
I thought "I'm going to take that bastard out!"
So I did and we had a lovely time.
=====
You know your wife is a miserable cow when you've got no idea when she's on her period.
=====
They say the best thing about Internet porn is that there's are no pages to get stuck together.
True, but I daren't close my laptop.
=====
A girl on my FaceBook put up a picture of her new Land Rover and said, "It's my new baby!"
I had to comment.
"Fucking hell, that must have destroyed your vagina."
=====
Guy 1: 'So, it's raining right, and you pass a bus stop and there are 3 people there: Your most trustworthy friend, A pregnant woman who needs to go to the hospital, and the girl of your dreams, your Smart Car only has 2 seats so what do you do?'
Guy 2: 'Oh I know this one, you give the car to your most trustworthy friend and he takes the lady to the hospital whilst you stay at the bus stop with the girl of your dreams!'
Guy 1: 'No, you re-evaluate your life! YOU BOUGHT A FUCKING SMART CAR!'
=====
Noah: The only one to successfully catch them all.
=====
Doctor: "Your wife's been through alot, but amazingly... she's come out on the other side!"
Man: "You mean... she's gonna be ok?"
Doctor: "Nah, Derek Acorah said she's a lesbian ghost."
=====
Torres is averaging 1.6 goals a manager at Chelsea.
=====
My mate's an Aston Villa fan and is gutted at the news that AVB was sacked.
When he first read the headline, he thought it said Villa's boss.
=====
My mate got pulled over by a Policeman today.
"Have you been drinking sir?"
"No, course not" He replied
"Take a deep breath and blow onto this for me please." Said the Officer.
Moments later the Officer says, "You have been drinking, haven't you?"
"What makes you so sure?"
"You're been giving me a blowjob."
=====
My girlfriend's best friend has been going around lying, saying we have had sex with each other, just so she can spilt us up.
Thing is, she's absolutely gorgeous, so there is no way I am denying it.
=====
I said to my mate, "My wife opened the door in just her bra and knickers last night."
"That must have been good."
"Not really. She was coming home."
=====
Has it ever occured to you that you might be a nechrophiliac but you havent dug up the right person yet?
=====
I'll never understand dentists.
They stab you with little metal hooks and then tell you "Your gums wouldn't bleed if you flossed more".
=====
I was laying in bed with my girlfirend when I turned to her and cheekily said with a wink, "I have a raging boner."
"Well I'll just have to do something about that then," she smiled.
Then she pulled the covers over my head and farted.
=====
The Department of Justice says that more than 800 dangerous sex offenders have gone on the run.
I was going to enter the London Marathon next year, but fuck that.
=====
I hate it when my computer crashes for no apparent /corruptedfilefound:nan+shitting+on+wife's+tits.avi/ reason.
=====
I'd gladly give money to Wikipedia.
If they stop deleting my entry about Harvey Wallbanger inventing the glory hole.
=====
I was quite upset at being the last set of keys picked out of the bowl at last night's swingers party.
I suppose I should have removed the keyring with my photo on it before throwing them in.
=====
Don't tell me you have a "chocolate lab" if you're just talking about a type of dog.
Bastard.
=====
I don't understand these phone-up sex lines.
They cost a fortune and you don't get real sex.
Correct me if I'm wrong, that's a wife.
=====
To clarify, gay marriage is completely wrong and will be fought against.
However, raping small children is fine.
Regards
Cardinal Keith O'Brien
=====
As I sipped my whiskey I said to the man opposite me, "Would you rather be a man with two cocks or a woman with two fannies?"
The look on his face as the Anaesthetist put him under had me laughing all the way through the operation.
=====
The Government in Britain is to take steps to deal with the root causes of high unemployment.
Step one is to deport Roman Abramovich .
=====
Furious, I banged my hand on the table and shouted, "Woman! This tastes like SHIT!"
She said, "Yeah, well, it's my dildo and I'll do what I like with it."
=====
My motto has always been 'Always look forward never look back'
While it is a great way to live life, its also the reason I reversed over our cat in the driveway this morning.
=====
I once planned a special treat for my wife on her return from a hard day at work.
I laid out a trail of luxury chocolates, leading from the front door, up the stairs and then into the bedroom, where more chocolates, rose petals and scented candles were waiting, along with a note that read;
"Gone to the shop for some champagne. Make yourself comfortable and I'll be back for some fun soon xx"
When I returned from the shop, the chocolates had disappeared, so I walked up the stairs, stripping my clothes off on the way, to be greeted by the sight of my wife, naked, face down on the bed.
I didn't need an invitation. I jumped on her and pounded her for all I was worth.
I rolled off and lay next to her so I could look into her eyes, only to find they had rolled into the back of her head.
That was the day my wife reported me to the police for rape.
It was also the day we found out she's diabetic.
=====
I can't believe crocodiles were used to make handbags and shoes in the past.
Isn't that animal slave labour?
=====
What's the name of that reality show where rough looking people risk their lives while catching crabs?
Jersey Shore?
=====
God gave women mouths for a very good reason.
Then the sadistic bastard gave them vocal cords.
=====
Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon.
You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over all the pieces, shit on the board and strut around triumphantly.
=====
Some bloke was acting all hard in the pub tonight.
I thought "I'm going to take that bastard out!"
So I did and we had a lovely time.
=====
You know your wife is a miserable cow when you've got no idea when she's on her period.
=====
They say the best thing about Internet porn is that there's are no pages to get stuck together.
True, but I daren't close my laptop.
=====
A girl on my FaceBook put up a picture of her new Land Rover and said, "It's my new baby!"
I had to comment.
"Fucking hell, that must have destroyed your vagina."
=====
Guy 1: 'So, it's raining right, and you pass a bus stop and there are 3 people there: Your most trustworthy friend, A pregnant woman who needs to go to the hospital, and the girl of your dreams, your Smart Car only has 2 seats so what do you do?'
Guy 2: 'Oh I know this one, you give the car to your most trustworthy friend and he takes the lady to the hospital whilst you stay at the bus stop with the girl of your dreams!'
Guy 1: 'No, you re-evaluate your life! YOU BOUGHT A FUCKING SMART CAR!'
=====
Noah: The only one to successfully catch them all.
=====
Doctor: "Your wife's been through alot, but amazingly... she's come out on the other side!"
Man: "You mean... she's gonna be ok?"
Doctor: "Nah, Derek Acorah said she's a lesbian ghost."
=====
Torres is averaging 1.6 goals a manager at Chelsea.
=====
My mate's an Aston Villa fan and is gutted at the news that AVB was sacked.
When he first read the headline, he thought it said Villa's boss.
=====
My mate got pulled over by a Policeman today.
"Have you been drinking sir?"
"No, course not" He replied
"Take a deep breath and blow onto this for me please." Said the Officer.
Moments later the Officer says, "You have been drinking, haven't you?"
"What makes you so sure?"
"You're been giving me a blowjob."
=====
My girlfriend's best friend has been going around lying, saying we have had sex with each other, just so she can spilt us up.
Thing is, she's absolutely gorgeous, so there is no way I am denying it.
=====
I said to my mate, "My wife opened the door in just her bra and knickers last night."
"That must have been good."
"Not really. She was coming home."
=====
Has it ever occured to you that you might be a nechrophiliac but you havent dug up the right person yet?
=====
I'll never understand dentists.
They stab you with little metal hooks and then tell you "Your gums wouldn't bleed if you flossed more".
=====
I was laying in bed with my girlfirend when I turned to her and cheekily said with a wink, "I have a raging boner."
"Well I'll just have to do something about that then," she smiled.
Then she pulled the covers over my head and farted.
=====
The Department of Justice says that more than 800 dangerous sex offenders have gone on the run.
I was going to enter the London Marathon next year, but fuck that.
=====
I hate it when my computer crashes for no apparent /corruptedfilefound:nan+shitting+on+wife's+tits.avi/ reason.
=====
I'd gladly give money to Wikipedia.
If they stop deleting my entry about Harvey Wallbanger inventing the glory hole.
=====
I was quite upset at being the last set of keys picked out of the bowl at last night's swingers party.
I suppose I should have removed the keyring with my photo on it before throwing them in.
=====
Don't tell me you have a "chocolate lab" if you're just talking about a type of dog.
Bastard.
=====
I don't understand these phone-up sex lines.
They cost a fortune and you don't get real sex.
Correct me if I'm wrong, that's a wife.
=====
To clarify, gay marriage is completely wrong and will be fought against.
However, raping small children is fine.
Regards
Cardinal Keith O'Brien
=====
As I sipped my whiskey I said to the man opposite me, "Would you rather be a man with two cocks or a woman with two fannies?"
The look on his face as the Anaesthetist put him under had me laughing all the way through the operation.
=====
The Government in Britain is to take steps to deal with the root causes of high unemployment.
Step one is to deport Roman Abramovich .
=====
Furious, I banged my hand on the table and shouted, "Woman! This tastes like SHIT!"
She said, "Yeah, well, it's my dildo and I'll do what I like with it."
=====
My motto has always been 'Always look forward never look back'
While it is a great way to live life, its also the reason I reversed over our cat in the driveway this morning.
=====
I once planned a special treat for my wife on her return from a hard day at work.
I laid out a trail of luxury chocolates, leading from the front door, up the stairs and then into the bedroom, where more chocolates, rose petals and scented candles were waiting, along with a note that read;
"Gone to the shop for some champagne. Make yourself comfortable and I'll be back for some fun soon xx"
When I returned from the shop, the chocolates had disappeared, so I walked up the stairs, stripping my clothes off on the way, to be greeted by the sight of my wife, naked, face down on the bed.
I didn't need an invitation. I jumped on her and pounded her for all I was worth.
I rolled off and lay next to her so I could look into her eyes, only to find they had rolled into the back of her head.
That was the day my wife reported me to the police for rape.
It was also the day we found out she's diabetic.
=====
I can't believe crocodiles were used to make handbags and shoes in the past.
Isn't that animal slave labour?
=====
What's the name of that reality show where rough looking people risk their lives while catching crabs?
Jersey Shore?
My Nan just called me and said, "I'm at bingo with your Grandad and we've just bumped into your girlfriend, she told us that she was six weeks pregnant."
"It's not mine Nan" I replied.
"How can you be so sure?" she asked.
"Because she's laying here next to me."
=====
Some woman pulled up outside my garage and I said, "your timing is off love."
"Can you tell that without looking under the bonnet?"
"No, we closed half an hour ago."
=====
The porn industry needs to realize that a 42 year old woman in pigtails and knee high socks isn't "Barely Legal".
=====
This Policeman approached me and said,"Could you accompany me to the station sir",
I said,"Why,I haven't done anything",
"I know, but it's really scary round here".
=====
As I handed my mum her 50th birthday card today.
She said, "One would have done."
=====
If there's an energy crisis.
Why don't they wire up the grid to a revolving door in the manager's office at Chelsea?
=====
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
=====
I was going on a date with a really sophisticated woman this evening, so as not to embarrass myself I did some reading up on how to word things properly.
It was going really well until she said, "I've got a son, he's eight."
"Surely you mean he's eaten."
=====
I'm never going to a World Record Winking Attempt run by the Dyslexia Association again.
=====
Many wonder why the chicken crossed the road.
Turns out it was actually a pelican crossing.
=====
I just finished masturbating under the sheet.
I hope the barber didn't notice.
=====
Walcott (verb) - To start something with promise, but finish poorly.
Example: Arsenal have just Walcotted out of Europe.
=====
I came home from work early today and caught my girlfriend masturbating with a cucumber.
"That's disgusting" I said, "I'm meant to be eating that tonight, now it's going to taste like salad."
=====
"Please leave these toilets as you would wish to find them"
Where the hell am I going to find 10 page 3 girls, a chocolate fountain and a padlock?
=====
I don't like to brag about how rich I am.
So I pay someone else to do it for me.
=====
If you've got nothing nice to say, then come over here and we'll take the piss out of people together.
=====
My wife says she wants to go and see The Marriage Counsellor.
No thanks, that sounds like a shit film.
=====
Ironically, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are named after something which is rich and vibrant until it goes out of date, then becomes wrinkly, undesirable, and mellows out.
=====
Many people think that laptops are better than Desktops for a number of reasons: it's easy to carry around with them, they can sit in bed and use them and various other reasons.
However the main reason why laptops are better is because it allows me to do my two most enjoyable things in the day at the same time:
Reading this wonderful website..........While taking a shit.
=====
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Eyes and ears and mouth and nose...
This morgue is a fucking mess.
=====
God, the world's most famous absent Dad.
=====
I visited a farm and said to the farmer, "Why do I see lots of sheep, but no rams?"
"We're Welsh not gay!"
=====
Don't you just hate it, when you're driving along smoking a cigarette.
You flick your cigarette out the window, and you drive for a couple more miles.
Then you smell something funny, and you look over into the back seat, and Grandma's fingering herself..........again.
=====
Don't you just hate it when someone borrows your pen.
Then they forget to give it back and you lose all your pigs.
=====
During a visit to Jamaica Prince Harry has paid a personal tribute to his grandmother, describing her as a "wonderful, caring grandmother" to whom he is utterly devoted.
"I'm touched" Said Ethel Hewitt, 87.
=====
'tap' 'tap'
"Who's there?"
"The Brittle Bone Foundation."
=====
There has been a campaign to publicise a monster going round Africa who abducts children from their homes to serve in an ever growing army.
That can only mean one thing.
Madonna has a new album out.
=====
I just bought some new scales for the bathroom,
It looks like a fish now.
=====
If I thought Vladimir Putin was an election cheat, I wouldn't have voted for him 70 times.
=====
How the fuck does this work?
You take sodium, a highly reactive element that sets water on fire, and chlorine gas which breathing would most likely kill you faster than tempting to consume sodium.
Put them together and you get table salt, a delicious seasoning that is inside everyone's kitchen.
=====
The greatest lies of all time:
- I love you.
- This wont hurt a bit.
- It's in the post.
- I was going to call you.
- I wont come in your mouth.
- Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
- I'm from the goverment, and I'm here to help you .
=====
Foot (noun): Device used for finding lego in the dark.
=====
It's just taken me ten minutes to take my contacts out.
I'm the best assassin.
=====
What was the pirate's favorite letter?
Many pirates were illiterate and so did not know any letters, much less have a favorite.
However, even if this pirate were able to read, it is unlikely that we would be able to find out his favorite letter without asking him, since pirates were primarily in existence two to four centuries ago. In addition, most people don't have a favorite letter, and so a pirate would probably not be an exception.