To anybody who's scared of this wind, just imagine how those poor little spiders must be feeling.
And to anybody scared of spiders, now they can fly.
=====
Lady Gaga: I fear I'll die like Princess Diana.
I doubt you're important enough for the Queen to kill you.
=====
Definition of pointless.
When the newsreader says "Look away now if you don't want to know the score."
Then saying the score out loud.
=====
A wise man once told me: "Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long if your morbidly obese."
=====
Distance from Manchester to Buenos Aries 6935 miles.
Distance from Milan to Buenos Aries 6934 miles.
Closer to home Carlos?
Wanker.
=====
If you want to freak out the cleaning lady.
Leave your used condoms in the cat litter box.
=====
When my wife dies she's going to hell.
She suffers from photosensitivity so won't be able to go into the light.
=====
I showed my mate my home made advent calendar today.
He called me an idiot.
We'll so who's the idiot come February when I'm still getting a chocolate every morning.
=====
I tell people my dad is a postman who only does special deliveries.
It sounds better than "he puts his cock in letterboxes".
=====
Man Utd fans are facing the prospect of a long journey up the M6 after they were handed an FA Cup third round tie against Manchester City.
=====
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach his wife to fish and he can spend several hours on the sofa watching Sky Sports.
=====
Eurozone is in crisis.
Oh, so it's my ozone now is it?
=====
During lunch break at school once I took a cricket ball to the head.
He said, "What have you brought me this for?"
=====
"OH OH OH!"
Dyslexic Santa
=====
You know it's cold, when you open the fridge and it feels like the heating has just come on.
=====
I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'.
So I dodged into a field of sheep and managed to escape when he fell asleep.
=====
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
They should throw parties, with strippers!
=====
I sell drugs to fat people.
It sounds better than, "I work at McDonald's."
=====
"Have you considered an alternative religion?" said the Jehovah at the door.
"Have you considered an alternative house?"
=====
BBC News: John Terry wishes for a white Christmas.
Police have been notified.
And to anybody scared of spiders, now they can fly.
=====
Lady Gaga: I fear I'll die like Princess Diana.
I doubt you're important enough for the Queen to kill you.
=====
Definition of pointless.
When the newsreader says "Look away now if you don't want to know the score."
Then saying the score out loud.
=====
A wise man once told me: "Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long if your morbidly obese."
=====
Distance from Manchester to Buenos Aries 6935 miles.
Distance from Milan to Buenos Aries 6934 miles.
Closer to home Carlos?
Wanker.
=====
If you want to freak out the cleaning lady.
Leave your used condoms in the cat litter box.
=====
When my wife dies she's going to hell.
She suffers from photosensitivity so won't be able to go into the light.
=====
I showed my mate my home made advent calendar today.
He called me an idiot.
We'll so who's the idiot come February when I'm still getting a chocolate every morning.
=====
I tell people my dad is a postman who only does special deliveries.
It sounds better than "he puts his cock in letterboxes".
=====
Man Utd fans are facing the prospect of a long journey up the M6 after they were handed an FA Cup third round tie against Manchester City.
=====
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach his wife to fish and he can spend several hours on the sofa watching Sky Sports.
=====
Eurozone is in crisis.
Oh, so it's my ozone now is it?
=====
During lunch break at school once I took a cricket ball to the head.
He said, "What have you brought me this for?"
=====
"OH OH OH!"
Dyslexic Santa
=====
You know it's cold, when you open the fridge and it feels like the heating has just come on.
=====
I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'.
So I dodged into a field of sheep and managed to escape when he fell asleep.
=====
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
They should throw parties, with strippers!
=====
I sell drugs to fat people.
It sounds better than, "I work at McDonald's."
=====
"Have you considered an alternative religion?" said the Jehovah at the door.
"Have you considered an alternative house?"
=====
BBC News: John Terry wishes for a white Christmas.
Police have been notified.
Many contestants from this years I'm a celebrity have been quoted as saying they've 'found themselves' in the jungle.
It's good to know they didn't have a fucking clue who they were either.
=====
I see Justin Bieber has a new fragrance out.
The advert says, 'Smell like Justin Bieber'
Not bloody likely!
If he's anything like I was at 17, it'll smell like sweat, cider and semen, with a faint whiff of fanny.
=====
Women are much like volcanoes.
They could blow any time they want but they probably never will.
=====
The world is a terrible place; full of cheats, liars and conmen. Maybe we should all listen to what my dad always told me: "Honesty is the best policy, son".
It's worthwhile listening to him, because he was the first man to walk on the moon.
=====
Just been sacked from my Job in A&E.
Apparently shouting weyhey! at the patient's relatives after the surgeon says "she's got a really deep gash" is "insensitive"
=====
Why's the Irish budget is taking 2 days to read out rather than just one?
It can't take that long to translate German.
=====
When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate.
Soup was a nightmare.
=====
Last Christmas, my wife said she didn't want a present, so I didn't get her one. She went fucking mental.
"I know what I said," she moaned, "but when a girl says she doesn't want something, she means the opposite. Don't you know anything about women?"
Anal it is then!
=====
Just had an email from Sainsbury's with the subject "Did you know you could be going to the Paralympic Games?"
Is this because I went to Waitrose yesterday?
Fucking hell! What sort of thug is running Sainsbury's now?
=====
I went to see the doctor. He asked me if I'd ever given myself a prostate examination.
"Not deliberately, but the wife always buys cheap toilet roll."
=====
I've nicknamed my penis 'Elbow'.
It's flexible, It's hard,
And my mum doesn't like it on the table during dinner.
=====
Boyfriend- Give me a blow job.
Girlfriend- Could you be a little bit more romantic?
Boyfriend- Give me a blow job in the rain.
=====
The toy maker Milton Bradley are releasing a new version of Buckeroo based on Petr Cech's face.
=====
I've always been a very creative person.
Which is why I didn't last very long as an accountant.
=====
Why did the emo kid go to the toilet ?
For a slash.
=====
Appartently, to save time at the bar you can order a 'SoCo' instead of a Southern Comfort and Coke.
The barman can also save time by calling you a 'CoCo' instead of a Complete Cock.
=====
We're all mature until someone brings out the bubble wrap.
=====
X-Factor: "This week no ones safe."
Now that's my idea of TV entertainment, release the fucking tigers!
=====
I was telling my fiance about the guys at work and how they're always putting me down, saying timing just isn't my strong suit.
"If you could just recite your vows, please" interrupted the vicar.
=====
SKY News: Natasha Giggs is to go on Big Brother.
Again?
=====
My wife's striking today.
She'll go back to being fuck ugly once the beer wears off though.
=====
I opened door number 3 of my Eurozone advent calendar and found that 7 families had moved in.
=====
Does the Mute Society have a spokesman?
=====
I joined a salsa class recently.
I thought it would be something that I could dip into.
=====
I've just heard that Kate & Gerry McCann have put an advent calendar on sale to raise funds.
You just leave the windows open and let any stranger take what they want.
=====
My wife asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.
I thought that was an excellent suggestion, so I put FIFA 12 on and played in snowy conditions.
=====
The Church of England has said it will not allow civil partnership ceremonies to take place in any of its church buildings.
Surely they could let them use the rear entrance.
=====
Research shows that better looking people are more likely to cheat on their partners.
Obviously they've never watched Jeremy Kyle.
=====
This Christmas naughty children will be getting some Euros instead of that expensive lump of coal.
It's good to know they didn't have a fucking clue who they were either.
=====
I see Justin Bieber has a new fragrance out.
The advert says, 'Smell like Justin Bieber'
Not bloody likely!
If he's anything like I was at 17, it'll smell like sweat, cider and semen, with a faint whiff of fanny.
=====
Women are much like volcanoes.
They could blow any time they want but they probably never will.
=====
The world is a terrible place; full of cheats, liars and conmen. Maybe we should all listen to what my dad always told me: "Honesty is the best policy, son".
It's worthwhile listening to him, because he was the first man to walk on the moon.
=====
Just been sacked from my Job in A&E.
Apparently shouting weyhey! at the patient's relatives after the surgeon says "she's got a really deep gash" is "insensitive"
=====
Why's the Irish budget is taking 2 days to read out rather than just one?
It can't take that long to translate German.
=====
When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate.
Soup was a nightmare.
=====
Last Christmas, my wife said she didn't want a present, so I didn't get her one. She went fucking mental.
"I know what I said," she moaned, "but when a girl says she doesn't want something, she means the opposite. Don't you know anything about women?"
Anal it is then!
=====
Just had an email from Sainsbury's with the subject "Did you know you could be going to the Paralympic Games?"
Is this because I went to Waitrose yesterday?
Fucking hell! What sort of thug is running Sainsbury's now?
=====
I went to see the doctor. He asked me if I'd ever given myself a prostate examination.
"Not deliberately, but the wife always buys cheap toilet roll."
=====
I've nicknamed my penis 'Elbow'.
It's flexible, It's hard,
And my mum doesn't like it on the table during dinner.
=====
Boyfriend- Give me a blow job.
Girlfriend- Could you be a little bit more romantic?
Boyfriend- Give me a blow job in the rain.
=====
The toy maker Milton Bradley are releasing a new version of Buckeroo based on Petr Cech's face.
=====
I've always been a very creative person.
Which is why I didn't last very long as an accountant.
=====
Why did the emo kid go to the toilet ?
For a slash.
=====
Appartently, to save time at the bar you can order a 'SoCo' instead of a Southern Comfort and Coke.
The barman can also save time by calling you a 'CoCo' instead of a Complete Cock.
=====
We're all mature until someone brings out the bubble wrap.
=====
X-Factor: "This week no ones safe."
Now that's my idea of TV entertainment, release the fucking tigers!
=====
I was telling my fiance about the guys at work and how they're always putting me down, saying timing just isn't my strong suit.
"If you could just recite your vows, please" interrupted the vicar.
=====
SKY News: Natasha Giggs is to go on Big Brother.
Again?
=====
My wife's striking today.
She'll go back to being fuck ugly once the beer wears off though.
=====
I opened door number 3 of my Eurozone advent calendar and found that 7 families had moved in.
=====
Does the Mute Society have a spokesman?
=====
I joined a salsa class recently.
I thought it would be something that I could dip into.
=====
I've just heard that Kate & Gerry McCann have put an advent calendar on sale to raise funds.
You just leave the windows open and let any stranger take what they want.
=====
My wife asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.
I thought that was an excellent suggestion, so I put FIFA 12 on and played in snowy conditions.
=====
The Church of England has said it will not allow civil partnership ceremonies to take place in any of its church buildings.
Surely they could let them use the rear entrance.
=====
Research shows that better looking people are more likely to cheat on their partners.
Obviously they've never watched Jeremy Kyle.
=====
This Christmas naughty children will be getting some Euros instead of that expensive lump of coal.