So, the new Doctor Who is Glaswegian.
Apparently, the first episode will see him in his hometown, fighting hordes of Cidermen.
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My wife got home from work and was livid, "What the fuck have you done all day? No tea ready, the house is a pigsty, clothes are all over the place and you are still in your pyjamas."
"I just thought I would do what you used to do all day when you were not working," I shouted back at her.
"So, how was the milkman's cock, then?"
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When I played Sunday league football, my nickname was 'The cat'.
Not because I was a good goalkeeper.
I use to dig holes in the pitch and shit into them.
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I was in the gym changing room when I saw a bloke watching me dry my bum.
I warned my mate that there was a weirdo about.
He said that maybe it was innocent and he was just waiting to use the hand dryers.
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When I die I want my coffin to be made of onions.
My family don't love me very much.
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There are only two types of dancing;
Pole and boring.
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BBC News: "Bristol Zookeeper Suspended For 'Punching' Seal"
In fairness he deserved it, 'Kiss From A Rose' was a shit song.
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Argos are coming to drop a wardrobe off that I bought yesterday..
I'll have to make sure that I'm home between 7.30am tomorrow and the 28th of October.
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I'm not saying my mate Dave is clumsy or anything,
But he just managed to drop his air guitar.
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"Can you read that car's number plate from here?" asked my instructor today.
"Yes!" I shouted, "Now can you please open the fucking parachute!"
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My Gran said she can't remember the last time she had sex.
Phew.
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If I had to guess, I'm pretty sure the person that came up with the spelling of 'February', also had something to do with 'Wednesday.'
Dick,
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Sky News: A comedy club in North Yorkshire burned down last night.
There's no smirk without fire.
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If you have been affected by the issues raised in Hollyoaks.
You're beyond help.
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I work for a really shit advertising company.
You probably haven't heard of us.
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"And this is the reason I fucking drink." I thought to myself
As soon as I sobered up.
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A new Lamborghini showroom has opened in Wales.
It has received an unprecedented number of enquiries in its first week but mostly from confused locals trying to buy 2 piece swimming costumes for their partners.
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I just read a headline about an escaped python that killed two pet shop boys.
On closer inspection of the article, I was deeply disappointed.
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A dyslexic walks into a bra shop, purchases a bra and leaves.
Because they can still live an everyday life without constant confusion.
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My wife's quite a fat lady, but still manages to take an active roll in the theatre.
In last years production of 'Oliver Twist', she played 'London'.
My wife was abducted by a gang of black kidnappers who were demanding ten grand for her return.
On the phone they said, "If you don't pay by nine tomorrow morning, Winston with the twelve inch cock will help himself to your wife."
I replied, "Put her on so I know you have her."
My wife came on, "Pay the fucking bastards, I beg you, but leave it till half past nine."
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My wife walked into the bathroom and found me with my head in the toilet.
She said, "Stop pretending to be sick, you're still coming with me to my Mothers."
I said, "I'm not, I'm just getting use to the smell of piss."
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I got my mogwai wet and fed it after midnight but nothing happened.
I think my brother might be right.
It is just a gerbil.
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Simon Cowell is said to become a father.
I wonder how long it will be until he gets bored and makes Gary Barlow take over.
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Bukkake: When mommy & daddy & daddy & daddy & daddy & daddy & daddy & daddy really love each other.
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My condom split on me today.
I'm really scared now. Everyone would have seen my face in the bank that I was robbing.
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It's hard being a member of the innuendo society.
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A lot of things bother me.
Such as "Why are we here? Is there an afterlife?"
And "Who hung the poster back up at the end of The Shawshank Redemption?"
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My sock drawer is empty.
I'm pretty sure this qualifies as a relationship status update on Facebook.
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I was walking past a parked Volkswagen Beetle with my wife, when I ran over and lifted both its windscreen wipers up.
My wife looked quite surprised.
So did the car.
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"No tools are left in this vehicle overnight"
But have you considered trying your luck during the day.
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Spoiler alert.
Don't leave milk out of the fridge for too long in warm weather.
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How men have changed over the years:
1950: I want to show you a night out under the stars by the lake. Wouldn't that be fine?
2013: Here's a picture of my shaved cock.
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An increasing number of estate agents are being severely affected by a recurring problem.
The house is as good as sold, but then the customer buys petrol instead.
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I turned up to a McDonald's job interview riding piggyback on a Burger King employee.
"Could I just ask what the hell you're doing?" the receptionist asked curtly.
"Well the woman on the phone told me I should report to Reception on a rival."
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Brendan Rodgers has just came out and said he will never sell Luiz Suarez to one of his closest rivals, so that rules out a move to Swansea or West Brom.
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Murdered someone with a polyhedron.
Got sent to prism.
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BBC News: Simon Cowell has been admitted to hospital with a lower intestinal blockage.
Apparently Doctors are attempting pull his head out of his arse.
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So Arsenal have installed goal line technology at The Emirates.
You would have thought they would have signed a Striker that was capable of getting it over the line first.
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A new gym has opened next to mine called 'The Sword'.
Just to piss them off, I renamed mine to 'The Pen'.
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I was in a bar with my mate Dave last night when we noticed a group of fit girls sat in the corner.
So, without any hesitation at all, we started dancing near them.
After about 10 minutes I wiped the sweat off my forehead and said, "Dave, I don't think this is working."
"Me neither," he replied breathlessly, "Perhaps we should put on some music."
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I complained to my local MP about immigration.
"My brother and his wife were kidnapped by Somalian pirates!"
"I'm sorry to hear that," he replied, "But I don't see how you can blame that on our immigration policy."
"Really?" I retorted. "They were on Basildon boating lake at the time."
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How many McCanns does it take to change a lightbulb?
To be honest, It went that long ago I'm suprised anyone still gives a fuck.
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I got thrown out of a Singles Bar last night.
I only tried to order a double.
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If I opened a car repair shop, I would call it Auto Correct.
Then I'd paint the floor with red squiggly lines.
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I have just trod on a butterfly and now I am worried sick about the fate of humanity.