Apparently former News of the World editors Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson had a secret affair lasting at least 6 years.
If the News of the World couldn't even break that scandal first, it's no wonder they had to hack all those phones to get any stories.
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BBC News: Child Porn Man is Jailed.
Worst superhero name ever.
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Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler.
So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!"
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Sky News: Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide.
Sort of proves his point really.
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When someone pisses you off, stay calm and count to 10....but smack them in the face at about 7.
They won't be expecting that.
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The year is 2013.
There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped.
There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit.
However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my arsehole and wriggles it about a bit.
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The Iceman cometh.
He totally ignored my 'No Cold Callers' sign.
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Went to see Little Mix last night.
Turned out to be a bunch of 4ft tall Irishmen.
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I choked on a gobstopper once, and came up with a name for a Welsh village.
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Apparently the new Kindle paper white is light enough to hold in one hand.
So, like a book then.
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BBC News: Kim Jong Un wants a WWIII.
He can have mine if he likes, the controllers are fucked.
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"Have you not got a girlfriend?"
"No dad."
"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?
"No dad, not at all."
"Are you gay?
"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."
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My wife came back from town with Kerry Katona and Katie Price..
"I said get me a pair of slippers".
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My mate was complaining about his lap top smelling of piss.
'Was it a Dell'?
'Don't know, why, is she incontinent?'
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My mum used to teach us that "'I want' never gets" the hard way.
That came to bite her on the arse when it came to choosing a nursing home.
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I was on a date when I started showing her photos of my son.
"This is us on his eighth birthday."
"Wow, he certainly is impressive."
"And here he is on his tenth birthday, almost doubled in size."
"Yes, that's some kid you've got there."
As I showed her another picture, she let out a sigh.
"I'm sorry," I said. "Am I boring you?"
"It's not that," she replied. "Are there any where he hasn't got his cock out?"
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I often wonder what the world would be like if Hitler and the Nazi's had won WW2.
Oh yeah, America.
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Yesterday, I saw a youth with ADHD take an old lady halfway across a busy road.
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I think it should be compulsory for some women to wear makeup when
driving.
Just so they'll look in the fucking mirror occasionally.
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I asked my boss if I could work from home today, but he said 'no'.
I hate being a pilot.
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'Fuck it' - A common phrase used when something goes wrong.
Or five Welshmen egging each other on when they've caught a sheep.
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BBC News: Chris Brown is seeing a therapist to deal with his anger issues.
I'm sure he'll be fine.
He's already beaten everything else that stood in his way.
Twat.
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When my fingers got stuck together at primary school my teacher told me to say that I'd done it playing with Pritt Stick.
It sounded like the truth but looking back I think Mr Pritt might have been a paedophile.
Note to self: if someone invites you to a fireworks party and asks you bring bangers and a rocket, don't turn up with sausages and peppery
lettuce.
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I had a couple of American friends visiting me so I took them out for a walk to show them the beauty of the English countryside.
10 minutes into the walk they started to go into shock, one collapsed and the other one started to have a fit.
I rang emergency services who immediately sent an emergency vehicle, they were put on stretchers and rushed to the nearest McDonalds.
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Anyone else find it hilariously ironic that 1,000 men caught trying to pay a computer-generated child called 'Sweetie' to perform sex acts online.
Now shoot them all in the head. Fuckers.
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What's tThe difference between hamsters and gerbils?
Gerbils have more dark meat.
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If at first you don't succeed, bomb disposal is probably a bad career choice.
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My niece told me she wanted a rabbit for her birthday so I offered to send her one via special delivery.
"Well, it'll need lots of stamps!" She said.
It was great advice. Now it fits perfectly in the envelope.
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I've been doing my bit for cancer research.
So far I've discovered that wanking, ice cream and scalextric aren't a cure.
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"You're home from work early."
"I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is I've been promoted." He said
"That's brilliant," she beamed. "What's the bad news?"
"I was dancing around celebrating my promotion when Dave sacked me on the spot."
"What the hell for?" she asked.
"Playing Football Manager at work."
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Sky News: Piers Morgan has been receiving death threats.
I'd have thought, not receiving death threats, would have been news.
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I bought shares in Costa coffee today.
Or as they like to call it, a large.
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I've just bought Heston Blumenthal's new cook book.
"How To Piss Arse Around In The Kitchen For Two Days When All You Wanted Was A Fucking Omelette."
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BBC News: Research has shown that immigrants to the UK make a substantial net financial contribution to public finances.
Damned foreigners coming over here giving us their money.
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If I was a funeral director, I'd take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be fucking hilarious.
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I keep a second pair of shoes at work.
I don't want people to recognise me when I'm shitting.
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Fucking hell, Christmas must be close,
I've just seen my first Cadbury creme egg.
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I got my camera out when I spotted my 19-year-old next door neighbour washing the family car dressed only in a bikini.
He'll never live this down.
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Were 'The Pretenders', and 'The Real Thing', each other's tribute band?
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A Woman caught her husband throwing six meals worth of food in the bin.
"What on earth are you doing?" She asked.
"Saving us money," he replied, "fuck British gas, if we are throwing six meals a week away, I am not having it cooked first."
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I fell asleep watching the film Big last night.
I panicked this morning, when I woke up laying widthways across my single bed.
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I read today that we shouldn't believe everything that we read, I'm just so fucking confused now.
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BBC News: The navy drove some Somali pirates back by playing Britney Spears songs.
Apparently playing Justin Bieber would have contravened the Geneva Convention.
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A mate of mine tried to sell me a couple of E's last night.
I'm sure that's not how you play Scrabble.
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I've got an old 'Airfix' model of Jimmy Savile.
I found it a bit fiddly.
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So, Pride and Prejudice
A Jane Austen novel that the BBC remakes 3 times a year,
or
The greatest march scheduling fuck up in the world.