First Prince Phillip has a bladder infection.
Then the Queen is in hospital with a tummy bug.
Which proves one thing.
She swallows.
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Iain Duncan-Smith: In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.
I think he's referring to Buckingham Palace.
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I was chuffed to bits when I found I'd gotten my grandfather's watch in his will.
That soon passed when I remembered he used to wear a fifteen quid,plastic piece of crap from Argos.
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Apparently there are more germs on a door handle than on a toilet seat.
From now on I'm opening the door with my arse.
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I hate washing up liquid.
Washing up solids is much simpler.
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I phoned up the NHS Helpline in a panic.
"My wife's complaining that her throat is swollen up and she can't breathe. What should I do?"
"Calm down and try to get her to swallow," he advised.
"You're going to have to come up with something else," I said a few seconds later, "It was a nice idea, but she's definitely not in the mood for oral sex."
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My Dad is the kind of guy who never goes down without a fight.
Probably why they won't let him near elevators anymore.
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When arguing with women I found out that I can either be right or happy.
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I went to the dentist today and had two fillings. Before I left he asked if I would like some advice.
I said, "I know what you're going to say. Cut down on sugar and floss regularly."
"No. Trim your nose hair. It's fucking disgusting."
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I think the Catholic Church has fallen out of favour with God.
The first Pope "Ascended to the heavens among a host of Angels."
Benedict needed a helicopter.
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I've just watched 'Interracial MILF Orgy 9' and to be honest it doesn't do the book justice.
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That university of life must be shit.
Most people that put they went there on Facebook are unemployed single mothers.
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Asked my Welsh mate how many lovers he's had.
He replied "Loads probably. 1..2..3..4..5..6" and then he fell asleep.
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A technical issue is being blamed for Justin Beiber going on stage two hours late.
Yeah, because technically he's a cunt.
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Plenty of girls get busy with me.
I ask them out, and suddenly they're busy.
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I used to think maths was boring.
Then someone explained that playing pool is just applied maths.
Now I think pool is boring.
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I got so tired of the cramped overfilled Buses in London, that I grew a beard, started to wear military fatigues carry a backpack and a Koran, every time I need to Travel.
It's Just me and the driver now.
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BBC News: There are only two thousand pandas left in the world, and they're on the brink of extinction.
Kung-Fu is obviously shit.
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We will never get rid of the class system as long as the Queen has gastroenteritis and I get the shits.
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My girlfriend seems to think I've "serious mental issues."
Fucking bitch sounds just like the toaster.
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I was pulled over by the police yesterday.
"Do you know why I've stopped you sir?"
I said "Listen mate I already pay your wage, I'm not doing your fuckin' job for you as well."
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My wife said, "I think it's time for you to have a talk with our son about the birds and the bees."
"Why?"
"Because he's 37 years old and he thinks he's pregnant."
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I walked into Tesco with a horse.
The manager said, 'You can't bring that in here!'
'Oh yeah? You want to make something of it?'
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I saw an advert for a sex line that promised to make you cum in under sixty seconds so I gave it a call.
The poor woman on the other end of the phone must have felt like a right amateur when it ended up taking two hours.
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Love the new Three advert with the dancing pony.
It's only missing the part where it backs up into a truck with 'Findus' written on the side.
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My 14 year old daughter has been receiving sex education lessons at school.
This evening she walked into the kitchen, hitched up her skirt, pulled down her knickers, lay on the floor, opened her legs and brazenly pointed out the exact position of her clitoris.
Imagine my embarrassment when I realised that I've mistakenly been licking my wife's piles for the last three years.
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The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to take a shit as soon as you get out of the shower.
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So Cardinal Keith O'Brien admits in a statement that his sexual conduct "fell beneath expected standards"
As a Catholic the expected sexual standards for a member of the clergy are easy to remember.
Use your cock for anything other than a piss and it's a sin.
Though having a piss should still make you feel dirty.
After months of research into the effects of a .177 air rifle pellet on living tissue, I've reached a definitive conclusion.
Cats don't like it.
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What is the most common sleeping position of a married man?
On the couch.
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Dear Katie Price, getting Dwight Yorke to shove a can of Mr. Sheen up your arse does not constitute being raped by a household name.
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I believe our brains, just like a computer can only hold so much information, that when you learn a new thing an old thing you used to know will be forgotten.
For example I spent months learning about brewing beer at home, now it seems I've forgotten how to drive.
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Ever since my wife left, I find myself lying on the sofa watching mind numbingly boring TV shows.
She went to the shops and can't be arsed getting the remote.
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First rule of paedo club is do not try and fuck other members of paedo club.
Eh, Cardinal O'Brien.
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So Cameron reckons the UK's getting more productive.
Yeah, Dave, about as productive as an anorexic in a scat movie.
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If I didn't spend so much of my wages on expensive, highly specialist pornography..
I'd be able to buy an albino, amputee horse of my very own.
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Anyone else's ears pricked up when they heard something about the late Justin Bieber on the BBC news.
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I slammed the car door on my fingers today.
In related news: There's an 83% chance that my 4 year old just added "Motherfucker" to his vocabulary.
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My mates are massive pranksters.
I had my 40th birthday party last night, and none of them turned up.
Classic.
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So it appears that not even Justin Bieber wants to go to a Justin Bieber concert.
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When one door closes, another opens..
Or you can open the door that just closed. That's how doors work.
Dick
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In a recent survey it was found that 'Closed' has taken over from 'The Red lion' as the most common pub sign.
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For years, my greatest sexual fantasy was to bed a set of identical twins.
That was spoiled when I met Jedward.
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I once wrote a very creative and detailed suicide note.
Now it's the #1 selling country music song of all time.
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My mate Dave is terrified he's going to die a virgin.
I reassured him though.
I told him even if he does, there's plenty of Muslim extremists there waiting for someone just like him.
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"When one door closes, another one opens"
Which is why I won't ever hire that shit carpenter again.
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I walked into the gym today and my instructor said, "Wow, you've definitely got bigger."
At least my penis enlargement is working.
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So she can slam all the doors, throw knives around violently, kick the cat while screaming insults incessantly and still call herself a "victim".
I tell her to shut the hell up and I'm an "insensitive twat".
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It's been reported that during the two hours he was late to go on stage,Justin Bieber lost half his audience. That's because they hit puberty whilst waiting,realised he was shit and went home.
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The catholic church doesn't believe in sex before marriage.
Sex before puberty however.
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People think the United States was opposed to Hugo Chavez, but they had made up before his death from cancer.
In fact only 18 months ago the CIA gave him a glow in the dark paperweight as a make up present.
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I took my daughter to see Justin Bieber on Monday night
I was surprised that the first two hours of the gig were pretty good
Then it was ruined when some irritating whiny little cunt came on.
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Sky News: Scrap metal salvaged from the World Trade Center was used to build an aircraft carrier.
Who says Americans don't do irony?
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After we had sex, she walked funny for a week.
That's how hard she was laughing.
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My Boss told me that if I'm late again, he'll shove his foot up my arse.
I know someone who's having a lie-in tomorrow.
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I invited my new chav neighbour around last night.
I offered him a beer, but he said no.
"Why? I see you on the corner drinking all the time" I asked.
"It's not that, I saw you in the kitchen pissing in ithe empty bottle."
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We'll we'll we'll if it isn't autocorrect.
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A bunch of chavs started throwing popcorn at me in the cinema the other day,so I turned to them and with an angry stare said "Do I look like the type of bloke you want to be fucking with"
Two hundred quid for new dental work suggests yes.
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My pornstar friend recently passed away.
As a mark of respect we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.
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2012 was such a great year. We hosted the Olympics and celebrated our monarch's Diamond Jubilee.
2013 was starting to look decidely dull, until the Queen shat herself.
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Why is it my wife loves her 12 inch studded dildo yet I get shouted at when the warts break out on my cock?
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It's brilliant how quickly the staff come to help you out at B&Q Warehouse when you start climbing up the shelves.
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My mum dropped a hint she'd like a rabbit for Mother's Day.
Now I just need to guess if she means out of the pet shop or Ann Summers.
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I had to go to the urology clinic today and was seen by a young, blonde nurse.
"What seems to be the problem?" She asked.
"Well I had sex with a prostitue a couple of days ago." I began. "And now whenever I urinate, my piss buzzes as it leaves my penis."
"Hmm, that's different." She pondered. "Does it sting, too?"
"No, love. It only SOUNDS like a wasp."