If Euro 2012 is being held in Poland, shouldn't England have qualified as co-hosts?
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The first thing a man notices in a woman are her eyes.
And when her eyes aren't looking, he notices her tits.
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An Asian man goes to the doctor complaining of a sharp pain when he masturbates.
The doctor says, "Fuck off, Mr Hamza."
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Porn Spoiler.
The plumber doesn't fix the leak in the kitchen sink.
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Will.I.Am
Proof that 3 syllables are far too many for Americans to comprehend.
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A very strict farming father is hearing suitors to see which one he will let take his daughters on a date.
One boy arrives at the house and says "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer approves of the boy, and lets his daughter leave.
A second boy arrives and says "Hello, I'm Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready"
Again, the farmer approves, and lets his daughter leave.
A third boy arrives, and says, "Hi, my names Chuck"
And the farmer shot him.
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People seem to think a tortoise is a boring animal. Mine gave me hours of fun when I was younger.
I used to turn him upside down, stick a plunger on his belly and use him as a spinning top.
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To invoke evil spirits you use an ouija board.
To invoke a bus you light up a cigarette.
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I'd hate to be a dragon.
I'd get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles.
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I said to my doctor, "Would you like to go out for a drink some time? I find you really attractive."
"Sorry, I'd love to, but I can't," she answered.
I said, "I understand, it's the doctor/patient thing, isn't it?"
"No, it's not that," she replied, "I've just got your test results."
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I haven't seen this much fuss about a Queen floating on the water since Michael Barrymore's pool party.
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So there are six Liverpool players in the England squad..
It'll be interesting to watch a team come 8th out of a group of four.
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My mates call me 'The Cat' when we go out on the pull.
I'm not sleek or stealthy, but whenever I appear the birds always scatter.
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FACT: There is a town in the north of Norway called Hell and it regularly freezes over.
Looks like I'll be having some sex and that pay rise afterall.
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If you saturate a plaster with vodka, it will come off painlessly. The vodka dissolves the adhesive.
If you drink the vodka, who fucking cares if it hurts?
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I'm gonna hang around the Greek team during the Olympic medal ceremonies with a pop-up Cash 4 Gold stall.
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You can tell Mario is just rescuing Princess Peach so he can have sex.
Why else would he be dressed as a plumber?
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As I walked along the high street with my wife I stopped and said, "Look, that dry cleaners seems cheap. £1.50 a shirt? Two suits for £6?"
She said, "That's not a dry cleaners you silly bastard, that's Primark."
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Katie Price has said that when she dies she wants to be buried in her favourite place.
So that's anywhere on her back with her legs open.
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I was flirting with this girl at the bar of my local pub.
"I call my cock The Dragon." I said with a wink.
"Why, because it's always dragging along the floor?" She asked with a smile.
"No." I replied. "Its red, scaly and the end is on fire."
=====
The first thing a man notices in a woman are her eyes.
And when her eyes aren't looking, he notices her tits.
=====
An Asian man goes to the doctor complaining of a sharp pain when he masturbates.
The doctor says, "Fuck off, Mr Hamza."
=====
Porn Spoiler.
The plumber doesn't fix the leak in the kitchen sink.
=====
Will.I.Am
Proof that 3 syllables are far too many for Americans to comprehend.
=====
A very strict farming father is hearing suitors to see which one he will let take his daughters on a date.
One boy arrives at the house and says "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer approves of the boy, and lets his daughter leave.
A second boy arrives and says "Hello, I'm Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready"
Again, the farmer approves, and lets his daughter leave.
A third boy arrives, and says, "Hi, my names Chuck"
And the farmer shot him.
=====
People seem to think a tortoise is a boring animal. Mine gave me hours of fun when I was younger.
I used to turn him upside down, stick a plunger on his belly and use him as a spinning top.
=====
To invoke evil spirits you use an ouija board.
To invoke a bus you light up a cigarette.
=====
I'd hate to be a dragon.
I'd get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles.
=====
I said to my doctor, "Would you like to go out for a drink some time? I find you really attractive."
"Sorry, I'd love to, but I can't," she answered.
I said, "I understand, it's the doctor/patient thing, isn't it?"
"No, it's not that," she replied, "I've just got your test results."
=====
I haven't seen this much fuss about a Queen floating on the water since Michael Barrymore's pool party.
=====
So there are six Liverpool players in the England squad..
It'll be interesting to watch a team come 8th out of a group of four.
=====
My mates call me 'The Cat' when we go out on the pull.
I'm not sleek or stealthy, but whenever I appear the birds always scatter.
=====
FACT: There is a town in the north of Norway called Hell and it regularly freezes over.
Looks like I'll be having some sex and that pay rise afterall.
=====
If you saturate a plaster with vodka, it will come off painlessly. The vodka dissolves the adhesive.
If you drink the vodka, who fucking cares if it hurts?
=====
I'm gonna hang around the Greek team during the Olympic medal ceremonies with a pop-up Cash 4 Gold stall.
=====
You can tell Mario is just rescuing Princess Peach so he can have sex.
Why else would he be dressed as a plumber?
=====
As I walked along the high street with my wife I stopped and said, "Look, that dry cleaners seems cheap. £1.50 a shirt? Two suits for £6?"
She said, "That's not a dry cleaners you silly bastard, that's Primark."
=====
Katie Price has said that when she dies she wants to be buried in her favourite place.
So that's anywhere on her back with her legs open.
=====
I was flirting with this girl at the bar of my local pub.
"I call my cock The Dragon." I said with a wink.
"Why, because it's always dragging along the floor?" She asked with a smile.
"No." I replied. "Its red, scaly and the end is on fire."
Apparently, if you go and see The Avengers, and wait after the credits at the end of the film,
They kick you out.
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Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away,
Or is it just one of Granny's myths?
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Masturbating makes your dick smaller.
Don't believe me?
Asians have really fast internet. Africans don't.
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"Look," I said to my wife, "this kind of thing has always gone on in the building game. Nailing someone's boots down, putting glue in their hard hat, holding them down and rubbing creosote and sawdust under the foreskin, taking a shit in their lunch box. It's all part of growing-up."
"But he's only six-years-old, and he never wants to play with his Lego again," replied my wife.
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Solicitor is an anagram of clitoris.
True there is an O leftover, but they just put that on the end of your invoice.
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Disney World.
A people trap operated by a Mouse.
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I've recently got a new job as a postman.
I was worried that all my friends down the pub would take the piss, but they seemed really impressed when I told them that I'm a mail escort.
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Andy Murray has a new phone number 6-3 6-2 6-1.
Don't bother phoning.
He's out.
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Sky Sports News: Jermain Defoe has left the England squad to be with family after death of his father.
Turns out Ferdinand will do anything to get back in.
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Jessica Biel should have lots of kids and call them Batmo, Popemo, Exxonmo, Playmo and Ian.
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My ex was a ventriloquist, which meant she had the ability to complain about having to give me a blowjob, whilst actually giving me a blowjob.
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I walked into a pet shop this morning and said, "I'll have that cute little kitten over there please."
"A present for somebody?" asked the assistant.
I said, "Yes, it's my pitbulls birthday."
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I'd just like to congratulate Stoke On Trent on receiving 'The Flame'
Shortly to follow in Stoke - 'The running water' and 'The electricity'
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Flies only live for 24 hours.
Except for the ones that get in your room.
Those little fuckers live forever.
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I was in the supermarket earlier with a full trolley, when a man behind wanted to get in front of me.
So I let him through seeing as he had only two items.
A note and a gun.
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Last week my car broke down, so I gave it a cuddle and told it everything would be okay.
It still won't start.
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I can't help but feel that "Game of Thrones" would have been a lot shorter series had the Starks brought out their secret weapon earlier.
Tony.
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I think we should stop using the phrase "Never eat yellow snow"
Anybody who chooses to eat snow at all deserves a mouth full of piss.
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So Big Brother has started again.
Where's Mick Philpott and his wife when you need them?
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I like to stare at myself in the mirror when masturbating.
I'm not completely weird though.
I wear make-up and a wig then I think I'm looking at a girl.
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I got in late last night, with my shirt ripped & my hair all messy
"What happened?" harped my wife "It looks like you've been to hell & back!"
Turns out she was right, Helen Back is the prostitute who lives at the bottom of our street.
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Someone who says they're 99.9 percent sure is really not sure at all.