At this rate, the only food not containing horse will be horseradish sauce.
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"Don't make a mountain out of a molehill."
Human idioms - undermining ambitious moles for millenia.
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The Royal Family have been declared bankrupt after receiving Richard III's car park fine.
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I was checking out at tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one thing on the conveyer belt.
A box of condoms.
Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.
So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"
=====
I'm a realist.
So when I heard the news that Emma Watson had started a relationship, I didn't curse the heavens, like a lot of guys.
Instead, I'm patiently awaiting the inevitable leak of the sex tape.
=====
In the land where milk and honey flows, the lactose-intolerant diabetic is likely to have a fucking hard time.
=====
I was listening to an old song from the 50's called, 'Big Girls Don't Cry.'
Obviously hey never tried taking a half eaten kebab away from one.
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BBC News: Deadliest Sniper in US History Murdered.
Thank fuck for that!
Now I might actually win an auction on ebay.
=====
My wife has taken up Tai Chi lessons.
She says not only is it a great form of meditation and focus, but also a form of self defence.
Yeah, if you're preparing to get mugged by a sloth.
=====
BBC news: Chris Huhne wishes he could turn back time.
To before he married someone who looks likes like ET's ball sack.
=====
My next door neighbour came to my house this morning.
He said 'Did you hear me pounding on the wall last night?'
'Don't worry about it, we were making quite a bit of noise ourselves.'
=====
Sky Sports News: Former BBC radio presenter David Oates has died suddenly at 50 years of age.
Clare Balding said, "He was a great football commentator, but I'm just thinking about his two young daughters"
What a dirty lesbian she is.
=====
My dad had a really skillful way of avoiding arguments in our house.
He left when I was 2.
=====
What separates men from animals?
A bucket of cold water.
=====
Adele has just launched her own brand of lingerie.
It's called Victoria's Sponge.
=====
Ever since my wife left, I've had this weird feeling in the bottom of my stomach.
So, this is what an erection feels like.
=====
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Twilight.
So I've ordered all the films.
=====
I've been feeling like shit recently but my chav neighbour's really cheered me up.
He's been diagnosed with swine flu.
=====
I bet the Richard III found in Leicester doesn't smell half as bad as the bastard I just let go down the pan.
=====
Everyday I cut myself.
I'm not depressed, I'm just shit at shaving.
ITV News: 'Darkness halts Superbowl for 35 minutes'
I didn't even know those guys were still around, yet alone had enough songs to fill 35 minutes.
=====
I forgot my mobile when I went to the bathroom, but I did have a copy of The Guardian.
I can only imagine this is what it feels like bringing a knife to a gunfight.
=====
How do you find a needle in a Haystack?
Throw Lance Armstrong in there.
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Woman: 'Doctor, my husband thinks he's a trauma helicopter!'
Doctor: 'That's odd... but I think he should come to me himself.'
Woman: 'Yes, he wanted to, but there's no place to land here.'
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I was really drunk last night in a bar, and while chatting to a woman I did one of those farts.
You know, one of the solid type.
=====
I don't see what the fuss is about same sex marriages.
Me and my wife have the same sex all the time.
Boring.
=====
I'm sure I had a book of instructions for women somewhere.
Ah, there it is, between my streetmap of Atlantis and my plane ticket to Utopia.
=====
Is it too soon to say that King Richard III touched me when I was a child?
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Why is it that when the power went out at the Superbowl the person who operated the Tanoy didn't attempt to talk in a Bane accent?
Great Opportunity wasted.
=====
How can you possibly explain the concept of death to a young child?
Well, you need a hamster and a hammer.
=====
My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay.
if my nails weren't drying I swear to god.
=====
BBC News: Gloria Gaynor is remarrying a businessman called Jerry Stitts.
I wonder if she'll take his name.
=====
What do cows use to shoot people?
Ammoo.
And a chilling lack of empathy or remorse.
=====
After their success in identifying the Royal DNA of Richard 3rd, Leicester University are preparing for their next challenge.
Identifying the father of Prince Harry.
=====
Being ginger my mate gets a lot of shit from people.
So he sells them his pubes and tells them it's saffron.
=====
Chris Huhne wishes he could 'turn back the clock'. Which let's face it is yet another serious motoring offence.
=====
My doctor told me I was extremely sick today.
I only asked him to add another finger during the prostate examination.
=====
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
If the fridge, TV and Playstation are still working, why bother?
=====
Apparently the cost of a prescription isn't the sort of drug problem Frank wants you to talk about.
=====
I can see why Americans want to own guns.
It's the only way to win an argument with a woman.
=====
Sky News: Tests reveal Findus frozen beef lasagnes contain 'more than 60 per cent horse.
The other 40 per cent is jockey.
=====
My uncle just committed suicide, he was 42 years old. Everyone says it was because of a mid life crisis.
I just don't get it.
How can you be so upset about something that happened 21 years ago?
=====
I once had a dyslexic pen pal who would send me a couple of lettuce every month.
=====
In light of the latest horse meat scandal, Findus spokesman, Mr Ed, is reported to have been gutted.
And then made in to a lasagne.