The Scouser who invented the bullet proof vest died today.
R.I.P Kev lah.
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I called in sick to work today and went straight to have a few drinks with my mates.
Should have really gone to a pub I didn't work in.
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I remember my first time I had sex.
Halfway through, the girl stopped and asked, "Is this your first time?"
I replied, "No, I've cried loads of times."
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Not saying my house is unkempt or anything, but the cockroaches wear hard hats.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say:
"Hey, look, that one is shaped like an idiot!"
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Teach a man with Alzheimer's to fish, and he'll eat for a day.
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"My parents must really hate me. They forced me into one of those arranged marriages" I was saying to my friend.
"That doesn't sound all that bad, they just want what's best for you mate" he replied.
"Really? But I'm not gay"
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I've just been watching the very first Ronald McDonald TV commercial. Amazingly it's about 50 years old.
It's easy to see it's that it must've been the first one, though, because all the kids are so skinny.
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I've developed a new cigarette that's 60% filter, 40% tobacco.
For those who like big butts.
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Sky Sports News: Sick of FIFA and it's corruption, Gary Lineker has urged England to boycott future tournaments.
With the current players, I wouldn't worry about needing to boycott, Gary.
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I woke up this morning and my penis was about the size of a baby's finger.
God knows what's happened but I've never seen it so swollen
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Micheal Jackson can release an album with 8 new songs when he's dead, and I can't even wipe my arse without getting shit on my hand.
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I don't understand why Israel hates Hamas, it's so tasty, especially on toast.
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I'm not saying the Commonwealth Games Closing Ceremony was bad, but I accidentally recorded an episode of Doc Martin once and I contemplated watching it.
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What does Lulu have in common with the Bee Gees?
They both contain the same number of people.
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I'm glad my work doesn't do drug tests.
Everyone would find out I'm a loser, who doesn't party.
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When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It's pain only for others.
It's the same thing when you are stupid.
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As a test, I turned right at a busy 'T' junction today with my eyes closed.
Then drove slowly into the first lane, cars slammed their brakes on.
Into the second lane, more cars slammed their brakes on, with one 'rear ender'. Lots of honking!
Accelerated away gently to 28 mph, even though the limit was 50.
Result: Aviva Drive App score = 9.7
Excellent!
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Laziness is mother of all bad habits.
But ultimately its a mother, so we should respect it.
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Old MacDonald was an Army conscript.
G.I, G.I Joe.
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What do you call a Polish grocery thief?
A Skleptomaniac
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Just a tought.
If someone is best known for appearing on Celebrity Big Brother, they shouldn't have fucking been on it in the first place.
Joker: "Knock, knock!"
Batman: "Who's there??"
Joker: "Not your parents."
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Entertainment News: "Katie Price gives birth to fifth child two weeks early"
I'm shocked it didn't fall out of her earlier along with MH370
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It was very moving to see Prince Charles laying a wreath in memory of the millions who fought during the Great War.
It was also a nice touch by him to take the trouble to wear all of their medals.
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I've nearly finished the 'sexy wordsearch' in my girlfriend's magazine.
I just can't find 'the clitoris' anywhere though.
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Anyone else think that Bernie Ecclestone getting off bribery charges by paying the prosecutors has the same meaning as someone getting off paedo charges by sleeping with the Judge's 10 year old daughter.
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You know your new born child is ugly when they put it in an incubator with tinted windows.
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Fool your friends on social media into thinking you have lost loads of weight.
Simply buy a huge pair of jeans and take a selfie standing inside them.
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If I was to make an educated guess...
Then I'm clearly not from Essex.
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Apparently the new FIFA game has all 20 premier league stadiums.
It's so realistic that it automatically mutes when you play at The Emirates.
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I've just been taken to Court and fined £1000 for not haing a TV licence.
Apparently, 'Not wishing to fund paedophilia at the BBC' isn't a valid enough excuse
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When I saw them lying there bleeding from every orifice, under the blazing hot sun, with people crossing to the other side of street in fear of the bloated, sweaty bodies, I asked my guide 'Ebola?'.
'No' he replied, 'It's always like this at a Real Ale Festival'.
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My girlfriend gave me a shopping list to do in my lunch hour:
Minced beef
Dog poo bags
Clothes pegs
Washing up liquid.
I'm really not looking forward to dinner tonight.
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What's the best way to see Slough?
On a map.
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Employee: "I made you a friendship necklace."
Boss: "This is a fucking noose!"
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A man goes to the doctors. He said, "Doc, I can't stop buying raffle tickets drawn from a hat."
The doctor's eye's widened, "I'm sorry Mr Jones we'll need to put you in an isolation unit straight away."
"Whys that doc?" stuttered the man.
"I'm afraid you've got the British strain of a highly contagious virus." Replied the doctor donning a mask.
"What is it doc?" gulped the man.
"Tombola."
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A man with an egg addiction goes to see a therapist.
"Ok, inhale for me." Asks the therapist.
The man inhales.
"Exhale..."
The man springs up and shouts, "EGG SALE? WHERE?"
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I've got an underarm throw.
Bit pointless really, my underarms never get cold.
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Road Safety News : The Government's latest proposal will involve using the face of a celebrity to help motorists immediately associate it with a particular danger.
However it is currently undecided if the face of the 'Think Bike' campaign will be Kerry Katona or Katie Price.
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BBC News: North Korea has a summer camp open to children from around the world.
It's the first camp where kids tell ghost stories to feel safer.
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Never tell a chav your heart's not in it.
They always reply, "Your heart's not what?"
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A man goes into a pub and starts chatting to some of the local darts players when they ask him if he wants a game.
He says "I have never played a game of darts before but I will give it a go if you tell me what to do."
After playing for about an hour he has not lost a single leg and has hit some fantastic shots.
One of the players says to him "I thought you had never played before?"
The man replies "No I haven't, but there are a lot of flies in my flat and I have got some old darts which I throw at them and pin them to the wall."
"No wonder you are so good then if you can do that. But doesn't it make a mess on the wall?"
"Not really" replies the man "Because I only pin them by their back legs."