RIP Michael Clarke Duncan
Does that mean it's safe now to say Sandman three times?
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1 Bear.
That's the bear minimum.
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BBC News: Tulisa finds it difficult to get a man because they all find her too intimidating,
I think its just because they know that they will be getting a shit blow-job.
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What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
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I hate it when new parents ask me who their baby looks like.
It was born 2 days ago, and it's cute but it looks like a fucking potato.
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I remember the first time I went down on an escalator.
It ripped half my tongue off.
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I came home late from the pub and my suitcase was on the door step.
There was a note attached from my wife saying, 'All of your belongings are in here and the locks have been changed'
"Fuck," I thought to myself, as I called my mate Dave.
"Dave, sorry to trouble you so late, but have you got anything that can help me break into a suitcase?"
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My girlfriend's kindle reads to her "Fifty Shades of Grey.
She said that it's like having a obscene phone call from Stephen Hawking.
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I can't believe my mates are still taking the piss out of me for that time I shagged a 15 year old.
Who cares about age anyway?
It was 105 in human years.
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What's red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick.
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I had Michael J Fox call round for a surprise visit this morning.
Impatient twat!
One knock would've done.
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25.81.
The root of all evil.
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Am I a modern thinking environmentally conscious man?
Of course I am!
You only have to open my dustbin to see I use Bags for Life.
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Why did 80,000 people boo George Osborne?
Because that's the maximum capacity of the Olympic Stadium.
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I've just had a gagging order placed on my local 'bondage club'.
They fucking loved it.
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To all Cats.
Gobbing on your foot and wiping your face with it shouldn't count as taking a bath.
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My wife is a lot like Oscar Pistorius.
Always complaining about those 4 inches.
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I came for the first time in a month yesterday. Safe to say my ejaculation hit the ceiling.
Which may not sound impressive, but I was in a cinema at the time.
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An irritating friend took a drink from my wife's beer and said, "Ha,Ha, this is one step from kissing your wife!"
"Yes it is," I replied, "and two steps from sucking my dick."
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My wife was reading the paper and became upset;
"Isn't it shocking about that lady who had a concrete window fall on her?"
"Yes. Awful." I said,
"Do you think she died in pain?" she said sadly,
She then glared at me. Disgusted at my offer of a high five.
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I've just found out the old lady across the road has parkinsons.
I'm quite relieved really.
I've been trying to work out why she's been calling me a wanker for the last 3 months.
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I was at a wedding last week and the vicar said, "Now place your finger halfway inside the ring. Isn't that lovely?"
It wasn't until my girlfriend elbowed me in the ribs that I realised I was the only one laughing out loud.
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Insomnia: A condition for people who don't know about beer and wanking.
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Getting timeline on facebook is like having sex with Katie Price.
You don't want it but you know someday it will inevitably be your turn.
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Cabinet reshuffle?
Its like shitting on a shit to hide the fact that it's a shit.
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I went to see a puppet tribute act last night who had a suicidal glove puppet.
It was Rod Hull and Emo.
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I designed a new diet for the missus after she gained a lot of weight, it details when she is and isn't allowed to eat sweets.
She's gotten very bitchy with me ever since I made it.
I checked the chart and it's her Minstrel cycle.
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My boss walked up to me today and said, "So you're not feeling very well then, Dave?"
"No," I replied, "I can't stop being sick and I've got diarrhoea."
"Right, and you expect me to believe that?"
"Why wouldn't you believe it?" I asked.
He said, "Because you're sat here in my local pub with a pint."
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I wrote 'Clean Me' on the back of a white van today.
The driver saw me and started going mental.
"It's only a joke mate," I said, "Calm down."
"Calm fucking down?" he screamed, "You've used a fucking permanent marker."
I used to be in a band called 'The Dyslexics'.
We had a whole string of shit.
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I got chatting to a bloke in the pub last night who works for an insurance company.
"So you're one of those scamming bastards then?" I said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
I said, "I've just paid £650 for my insurance for the year, don't you think that's a bit expensive?"
"It depends," he replied, "What have you got?"
"An iPhone 4."
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
I played a wall once.
They’re relentless.
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio.
I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
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I often wonder if the first coherent line ever spoken was: ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
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I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’
So we stopped playing chess.
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I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
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I was in bed with this woman and she said, ‘Hey, not in the ass.’
And I said, ‘Hey it’s my thumb, it’s my ass. If you don’t like it, go in the other room.’
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I was walking along today, and on the road I saw a small, dead baby ghost.
Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief.
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The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job.
Especially if you’ve got hay fever.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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I’ve just read a book about Stockholm syndrome.
It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it.
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My girlfriend said she was leaving me unless I got rid of my childish tattoos.
"For the last time!" I snapped, "They're called transfers!"
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I called my son AAA.
So that he can claim to be the world's best arcade gamer.
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Despite serving in the army for 12 years, I never saw one bit of action.
I guess that's what you get for being ugly.
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It's so embarrassing the way my ex spoke to me in public.
She's a scouser.
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Mo Farah wants to help his beloved Arsenal team by becoming their new fitness
coach.
I think it's a good idea that people from other sports want to offer their advice.
Maybe Olivier Giroud can show our British tennis players how not to hit the net.
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C'est "batteur de femme".
Not "wife beater".
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IPhone 5 is launching on September 12.
In just one week, we'll get to know what the Samsung Galaxy S4 will look like.
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A woman was giving me a hand job the other night.
"You're really good at this," I said, "what's your secret?"
"Years of practice," she giggled.
"You've done this to loads of guys then? I asked.
"No" came the reply, "my name used to be Eoin."
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They say that the average man ejaculates at 20mph.
I'm clearly not average then.
My new girlfriend has been with a lot of guys and according to her, I definitely cum much quicker than all of them.
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I was really embarrassed when I found my mums porn collection..
I was in a sex shop at the time.
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Joan Jet is remixing 'I Love Rock and Roll' for The Jeremy Kyle Show...
She's calling it 'I Love Cock and Dole'
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The dog had just finished licking peanut butter off my cock.
When he dipped his balls in my beer and gave me a sexy look over his shoulder.
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A blonde walks into a chemists and asks for condoms.
"Certainly Miss," says the chemist, "If you'd just like to follow me into the back for your fitting"
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I've just subscribed to a new website: constipation.com.
NOw I can't log out.
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I tried being a vegetarian today.
Worst two hours of my life.
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An American, a Frenchman, a Turk and an Englishman are talking about pride.
"I'm proud of our CIA," says the American. "They know things about the world before they even happen."
"I'm proud of our women," says the Frenchman. "They are the most elegant and self-confident women in the world. It's not easy to get them to fuck you."
"I'm proud of our carpet-weaving," says the Turk. "We produce the best quality of carpets in the world. Not everyone can afford them, which is why they have a special place in mansions, hotels and palaces."
The Englishman is silent.
"Is there nothing you're proud of?" asks the American.
"Yeah," says the Englishman, "I'm proud of myself!"
"Why's that?" says the American.
"Last week I fucked a Frenchwoman on a Turkish carpet in a grotty bedsit in Putney - and the CIA don't know about it yet."