Global warming.
It's the kids I feel sorry for.
If sea levels do rise, they'll drown first.
=====
Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?
Because he said he wouldn't.
=====
My profile has been deleted by Facebook today.
Apparently, changing my username to Bill Gates and liking every "Steve Jobs R.I.P" post and commenting "Buahahaha" on them, is a direct violation of their terms and conditions.
=====
I bet you £567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
=====
Steve Jobs' funeral will be held next week, after which he will be reburied every six months in a slightly better coffin.
=====
I love the Justin Bieber Fan Club. It's perfect for hitting Justin Bieber fans.
=====
You can bet Steve Jobs' funeral won't be a flash affair.
=====
If Carlsberg did people...........my ex wouldn't be one of them.
=====
A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavour ice cream in the world."
"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavour ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of fanny flavoured ice cream please.
"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.
Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like fanny, it tastes like shit!"
"Take shorter licks"
=====
It's only fitting that women have the ability to give life.
Seeing as they're so good at sucking it out of you.
====
On a job Application: Describe yourself.
An informal Noun, 2 syllables.
=====
SKY News: 'Riot Police Called Amid Major Strike'.
Coolest Asian cop name ever!
=====
Who does Death think he is? Coming over here, taking our Jobs.
=====
I like to spend my free time at the park watching the children running around and shouting.
They don't know I'm only using blanks.
=====
A German, an Irish man, a Portuguese and a Greek walk into a bar.
The German pays.
=====
If swimming makes you slim, then what the fuck are blue whales doing wrong?
=====
One in three people suffer from Paranoia.
The other two are watching him.
=====
As I woke up earlier I thought I'd have a cheeky wank.
I was baffled as I had a little difficulty grabbing my cock. It wasn't until I opened my eyes I realised I had boxing gloves on and a referee counting over me.
=====
If your computer gets a virus off of a porn site, does it count as an STD?
=====
My new years resolution is to do things on time.
=====
Steve Jobs' wife goes into the hospital waiting room to tell her kids what's happened.
"There's good news and bad news," she says, "the bad news is that your father has lost his battle with cancer and passed away a short time ago."
"Oh Jesus, poor dad," they reply. "But what's the good news?"
"Well children," says mum, "you can finally have an Xbox for Christmas!"
It's the kids I feel sorry for.
If sea levels do rise, they'll drown first.
=====
Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?
Because he said he wouldn't.
=====
My profile has been deleted by Facebook today.
Apparently, changing my username to Bill Gates and liking every "Steve Jobs R.I.P" post and commenting "Buahahaha" on them, is a direct violation of their terms and conditions.
=====
I bet you £567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
=====
Steve Jobs' funeral will be held next week, after which he will be reburied every six months in a slightly better coffin.
=====
I love the Justin Bieber Fan Club. It's perfect for hitting Justin Bieber fans.
=====
You can bet Steve Jobs' funeral won't be a flash affair.
=====
If Carlsberg did people...........my ex wouldn't be one of them.
=====
A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavour ice cream in the world."
"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavour ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of fanny flavoured ice cream please.
"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.
Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like fanny, it tastes like shit!"
"Take shorter licks"
=====
It's only fitting that women have the ability to give life.
Seeing as they're so good at sucking it out of you.
====
On a job Application: Describe yourself.
An informal Noun, 2 syllables.
=====
SKY News: 'Riot Police Called Amid Major Strike'.
Coolest Asian cop name ever!
=====
Who does Death think he is? Coming over here, taking our Jobs.
=====
I like to spend my free time at the park watching the children running around and shouting.
They don't know I'm only using blanks.
=====
A German, an Irish man, a Portuguese and a Greek walk into a bar.
The German pays.
=====
If swimming makes you slim, then what the fuck are blue whales doing wrong?
=====
One in three people suffer from Paranoia.
The other two are watching him.
=====
As I woke up earlier I thought I'd have a cheeky wank.
I was baffled as I had a little difficulty grabbing my cock. It wasn't until I opened my eyes I realised I had boxing gloves on and a referee counting over me.
=====
If your computer gets a virus off of a porn site, does it count as an STD?
=====
My new years resolution is to do things on time.
=====
Steve Jobs' wife goes into the hospital waiting room to tell her kids what's happened.
"There's good news and bad news," she says, "the bad news is that your father has lost his battle with cancer and passed away a short time ago."
"Oh Jesus, poor dad," they reply. "But what's the good news?"
"Well children," says mum, "you can finally have an Xbox for Christmas!"
The makers of Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 say that they will be introducing new weapons to reflect their game players.
Out goes the Commando Knife, and in comes the Tactical Wank Sock.
=====
I used to think my father was a massive coke head.
Turns out it was dandruff.
=====
Scientists have found that dogs and humans share the same DNA.
This would explain why my wife's a bitch, my kids hate a bath and if I could, I would lick my own balls.
=====
The sound of children laughing makes me happy.
Unless I'm all alone in an abandoned hospital and my flashlight isn't working properly.
=====
This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier, "My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the Milkman" He confided, "What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes" He laughed, cheering up,
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"
=====
Breaking News: White Hart Lane set on fire.
Police suspect its Arsene.
=====
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
Nothing.
=====
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened.
=====
ITV Announcer: X Factor up next, if I were you I'd grab the tissues.
What? I thought Cheryl was in the US?
=====
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
=====
Bill Kenwright has said after the coin throwing at Goodison yesterday, Everton have £3.76 to spend in the January window.
=====
"If you want to live much longer" said the doctor gravely, "you'll have to stop smoking."
"It's too late for that," I said.
"It's never too late to stop."
"Well, then I have plenty of time left."
=====
I passed out drunk at a friends house last night, only to awaken this morning to find out someone had drawn a forehead on my penis.
I suspect my dyslexic mate.
=====
I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma.
There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve.
=====
"Daddy tell me a bedtime story!"
"Sure honey. Once upon a time a little girl wouldn't go to bed without a story. Then she died."
=====
BBC NEWS: Plane in Australia hits ferris wheel.
Police say the pilot is slowly coming round.
Out goes the Commando Knife, and in comes the Tactical Wank Sock.
=====
I used to think my father was a massive coke head.
Turns out it was dandruff.
=====
Scientists have found that dogs and humans share the same DNA.
This would explain why my wife's a bitch, my kids hate a bath and if I could, I would lick my own balls.
=====
The sound of children laughing makes me happy.
Unless I'm all alone in an abandoned hospital and my flashlight isn't working properly.
=====
This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier, "My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the Milkman" He confided, "What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes" He laughed, cheering up,
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"
=====
Breaking News: White Hart Lane set on fire.
Police suspect its Arsene.
=====
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
Nothing.
=====
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened.
=====
ITV Announcer: X Factor up next, if I were you I'd grab the tissues.
What? I thought Cheryl was in the US?
=====
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
=====
Bill Kenwright has said after the coin throwing at Goodison yesterday, Everton have £3.76 to spend in the January window.
=====
"If you want to live much longer" said the doctor gravely, "you'll have to stop smoking."
"It's too late for that," I said.
"It's never too late to stop."
"Well, then I have plenty of time left."
=====
I passed out drunk at a friends house last night, only to awaken this morning to find out someone had drawn a forehead on my penis.
I suspect my dyslexic mate.
=====
I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma.
There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve.
=====
"Daddy tell me a bedtime story!"
"Sure honey. Once upon a time a little girl wouldn't go to bed without a story. Then she died."
=====
BBC NEWS: Plane in Australia hits ferris wheel.
Police say the pilot is slowly coming round.