Found a box of Viagra last night.
Bloody things didn't work.
Turns out they were well past their swell by date.
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A new study reveals that when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal.
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman.
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I stopped smoking last week.
Now I've discovered I'm actually addicted to standing around meaninglessly in the
cold.
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BBC news: Russia invades Ukraine,years after they broke away from them,
Be warned Scotland, be warned.
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I was invited to a party by a friend.When I got there I threw my keys into the bowl.
Everyone just stared at me.
I'd ruined the trifle.
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I burnt the pancakes on Tuesday.
They were so black and thin I've had Angelina and Brad on the phone to adopt them.
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I took that 'Are you left brained or right brained?' test.
The result was, 'No'.
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"I wouldn't mind if you were to blow in my ear," whispered my new girlfriend whilst cuddling on the sofa.
How considerate of her to say that, I thought, considering that I'm coming down with cold and I've forgotten my handkerchief.
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We've got Comic Relief.
We've got Sports Relief.
How about Hand Relief?
I'd sign up for that.
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In his new book 'Finding the Barn Door', Emile Heskey suggests he would have been England captain had he not been so shit.
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Putin persecutes homosexuals in his own country, then goes and enters another country through the back door.
Very mixed messages from Russia.
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There's a man going around our town raping other men.
I really hope it doesn't happen to my dad, he's out to all hours every night of the week.
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12 Years A Slave - Oscar winner
12 years in prison - Oscar Pistorius
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I stole a TV from my next door neighbour's kitchen but I think it's broken.
Every channel is a slow spinning bowl of porridge.
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I've just decided to open a bookies.
I hope this crowbar works.
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I don't know why people in the US are so afraid of World War III.
Even if it started tomorrow, we are still at least three years away from the States joining the war.
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BBC News: Armed men described as Russian troops, took control of key airports in Crimea where the Russian Black Sea Fleet is based.
Vladimir Putin denied the men were his soldiers and that they could have bought the Russian uniforms anywhere.
In other news: The French army were quick to react to the cheeky camouflage claims and have been spotted in Paris fancy dress shops, vigorously snapping-up maid's outfits.
If a gay guy jumped on you, would you toss him off?
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Vladimir Putin has denied that he wants to burn Kiev.....and that the aircraft bombing it with golden breadcrumbs are merely precautionary.
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I went to a swingers party in Liverpool and tossed my keys into a bowl.
I thought I had hit the jackpot when this sultry blonde picked them out.
Never saw my car again.
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I love that British tradition where, after Shrove Tuesday, everyone in the country gives up pancakes for an entire year.
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My girlfriend and I were on the beach when she said, "Let's make love in the sea."
"Only if we don't go very deep," I replied, "because I can't swim."
A little while later she giggled and asked, "Do you think anybody realises what we're doing?"
"Probably," I said, as another wave broke over my ankles.
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After Wales 3-1 victory over Iceland, a delighted Chris Coleman said they are looking forward to playing Farm Foods next week.
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When I used a public toilet today and there was a handwritten sign on the top of the hand dryer.
It read "Press button for a short speech from David Cameron"
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Everyone is working out what will happen if Scotland gets independence, like can they keep the pound? Or how hard will it be for them to get into the European Community?
But no-one is asking if England will be allowed to keep the Scotland Yard.
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My neighbour reckons he can hear me masturbating to internet porn late at night,
I told him it was just my dog scratching it's ear with it's foot.
No idea why I find that sexy.
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Jeez, kids really do ask some tough questions.
One just came up to me and said "what's Miley Curus's worst film?"
I mean, how the fuck do you even start to answer that?
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My mate claimed that onions couldn't make him cry providing he had a teaspoon in his mouth.
I told him that this theory was absolute nonsense and challenged him to prove it.
So he smiled at me, got a teaspoon from the drawer and put it in his mouth.
Then I smiled at him, got an onion from the side and threw it at his head.
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I'm giving up abnegation for Lent.
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You know your pissed when you've just spent the last 20 minutes trying to take your contact lenses out, and your not even wearing them.
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Why does Batman wear a mask?
Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.
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What's the worst thing about sucking 12 raw oysters out of your grandma's vagina?
Realising you only put in 11.
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BBC News: A man from Louth has been convicted of performing an act of sexual penetration with a Staffordshire bull terrier.
I can sympathise with him.
I've seen a picture of his girlfriend, its an easy mistake to make.
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So, Oscar Pistorius has been accused of firing a gun in a Johannesburg restaurant, he claims it was an accident.
To be fair, if I were married to a blonde FHM model I'd constantly be saying, "Sorry, it went off in my hand." too.
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It was stated recently in an article that all of the American flags on the moon have been bleached completely white by the sun.
Shit, now it looks like France has a really good space programme.
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Fed up with being told what to do, I decided that I'd no longer work for a boss,so I started my own business.
Bad idea.
I've already sacked myself twice.