What's black got three holes and always has a cock in it?
An EDL balaclava.
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So, Michael Douglas is blaming Cunnilingus for his throat cancer.
Fuck me ... that's the last time I fly to Dublin with them if that's going to happen.
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According to a recent study, people will believe anything you say if you say it is from "a recent study".
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My mum is terrified of rodents. The other day she saw a mouse and immediately pulled a knife on it.
Now we're banned from Disneyworld.
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When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.
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I popped into the 'Wonga' shop next door to borrow a pen.
I've got to give them seventy pens back by the end of the week.
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Brazil's new Maracana stadium looks good, though I expected the pitch to just be a strip of turf on the edge of the box.
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Anyone else thing that balloons are so weird?
"Happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath"
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"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"
"Hearing aids."
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"Surprise yourself - Visit Scotland"
Marketing Language for:"Scotland - Probably not as shit as you think."
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BBC News: Starbucks Bans Smoking Within 25ft Of Stores.
And paying tax within 50 miles of the UK
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Pope - "Homosexuality is a sin"
And Jesus died for our sins, so go right ahead and gay it up.
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What do you get if you inject antifreeze into oranges?
Sacked from Asda.
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According to the laws of gravity, four small attractive girls will always rotate like moons around their one fat friend at a nightclub.
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When I took my items to the till in a spiritualist shop earlier I saw a sign that said 'Queue from the other side'.
So I killed myself.
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My dentist told me he needs to give me a prostate exam tomorrow.
He can fuck off, I may not be the sharpest tool in the box, but I know that can't be right.
It's only been a few weeks since he gave me the last one.
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"Are you ready to give me an anal bartering?" asked my wife.
"Don't you mean battering?" I laughed.
"There are some very expensive shoes I want," she replied, "I know what I mean."
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My MP likes his women like he likes everything else.
Paid for by the taxpayer.
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I put my left leg in. My left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. I shook it all about. I did the Hokey Cokey and I turned around.
And that's when the taxi driver said, "Just get in the fucking car, pal".
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On holiday in Thailand, I got drunk one night and chucked the TV out of my hotel room window.
Now I've been charged with attempted murder.
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Sky News: Meat should only be a treat, insist MPs
Treat? it's more like a fucking lucky dip nowadays.
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Little Johnny is sat in class.
"Johnny," his teacher says, "if it takes your dad seven minutes to walk to the shop, what is the combined time it takes him to get there and back?"
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"Judging by last time," Johnny replies, "four years and counting."
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My wife was reading about Michael Douglas contracting throat cancer from performing oral sex on his wife.
"I suppose you think you're lucky there's no chance of you catching that," she said sarcastically.
"I think you're lucky the dog can't read," I replied.
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Do not tell your little girl, "He's only being mean because he likes you" and then wonder why she only dates arseholes when she gets older.
I shave my bum hole to stop poo getting caught in the hairs when I have a dump.
Is not the best opening line at speed dates.
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Don't die a virgin!
There are terrorists up there waiting for you.
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I feel for Michael Douglas thinking he got cancer through cunnilingus.
I'll never forget the time I thought it had given me a nosebleed.
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Being blind my mate finds it hard to judge the weight of women he dates.
That's why he keeps a see-saw in the front garden.
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It was the wife's birthday today, but the present I bought her only made her sad.
It was a hula hoop.
And it fits.
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I see David Cameron forgot to take his passport for his recent holiday and someone had to get it for him.
I guess he figured other countries are like ours where you don't need a passport to get in.
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BBC News: Drinker killed dwarf friend by putting 27 anti-depressant tablets into beer as a joke.
In his defence he said he was only trying to make him Happy but instead he became Dopey, then Sleepy and finally Deady.
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I was in a large queue for the checkout in Tesco earlier.
"Excuse me sir, would you like to use the self-service checkouts to save time?" a woman asked me.
"Fine, but if I'm doing it myself I want a fucking staff discount."
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The big-titted blonde from next door lent over the garden fence earlier dressed in just a see-through negligee, and asked if I could pound her pussy.
Shocked, I phoned my mate Dave from the animal shelter, and he popped round.
He was there for three hours, and left with a big smile on his face, but no cat.
Strange.
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F Scott Fitzgerald.
And F The Great Gatsby as well.
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Couldn't believe what I was hearing the other day, when the wife said:
"Darling, I fancy a nude whore."
My mind went into overdrive imagining a steamy threesome.
Then she continued: "Do you think we should get a upvc one, or a traditional wooden one?"
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I discovered today that hairspray makes an ideal substitute for flyspray.
It doesn't kill them, but they're easier to swat while they're checking themselves out in the mirror.
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Prince Philip has fallen unwell on the eve of a service marking the Queen's 60 years on the throne. A spokesman said," It was not due to throat cancer."
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Thesaurus.com is down which is inconvenient and also incommodious.
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Last night I slept with a woman who had fake tits.
Her cock was real though.
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£100 fine and three points for driving too close to the car in front.
Bit harsh. I was being towed by the AA.
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I've just been fined £100 for being in the middle lane for too long.
Fucking most expensive swim I've ever had.
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Police spokesman: Too many people are driving off without paying for petrol.
I can't help but think Formula One drivers are setting a bad example.
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Scientists have discovered a fungus that eats plastic which they hope can tackle the world's plastic waste problem.
They warn, however, that if it got loose, it could render the entire population of Liverpool naked.
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The next Doctor Who will be played by a woman.
So every four weeks, there'll be an episode where the Doctor is the villainess.
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"We are not amused."
Queen Victoria lost her sense of humour after being diagnosed with schizophrenia.
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If I threw glitter over David Cameron would that count as a vagazzle?
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If money can't buy you love then why do dating websites charge?
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As a sweet, sensitive guy, I never wank.
I make love to my hand.
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I'm not saying my ex-girlfriend is ugly, but my parents thought I was in a gay relationship.
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"That's just sick" I said, pointing at the pavement outside the kebab shop.