Facebook just sent me a personalised video.
All I could see is me rejecting Farmville requests in the last 7 years.
=====
I was peeing blood this morning.
Any vampires want to give me a blow job?
=====
I persuaded a woman not to jump off a bridge earlier.
The bloke selling bungee jumps was fucking livid.
=====
I hopped on a bus today.
After five minutes, the driver told me to sit down.
=====
Katie Price has said that she's a bit like Marmite.
I tend to agree.
Half the country loves her, and the other half thinks she's choc full of yeast.
=====
I was so ugly as a baby, when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.
=====
How does a German finish a joke?
Efficiently.
=====
What's the difference between a dead junkie on a council estate and a dead junkie in Hollywood?
About six million sanctimonious status updates.
=====
I'm currently building a time machine so I can travel 50 years into the future and see if Wagon Wheels are the size of ten pence pieces.
=====
My Doctor seemed a little uneasy during my prostate exam, when I slid my finger in alongside his.
=====
What's black, has bite marks and isn't needed any more?
Philip Hoffman's belt.
=====
So I found out today that 'natural selection' is now spelled 'neknomination.'
=====
I threw a 10th birthday party for Facebook this lunchtime.
I only invited 20 people but 300 turned up.
=====
I got thrown out of my son's Laser Quest party today.
Nobody told me that I couldn't use the pistol as a melee weapon.
=====
So, Facebook is ten years old.
Technically then, Facebook isn't allowed to be on Facebook.
=====
Anyone else curious why a woman carries a child for 9 months, makes her way through the raging hormones, morning sickness, swollen ankles to go through all the pain, hold it in her arms, and end up calling it Laquisha?
=====
You know your life is at a low point when you're welling up watching your Facebook video montage.
The girl in the club agreed to come home with me when I told her I lived in a light house.
"It's a fucking tent." she said, as we went inside.
=====
Prince Charles says he has a good idea of how bad things are in Somerset.
His family are bunch of incestuous genetic mutants as well.
=====
My mate told me he was born with two cocks.
"Pull the other one"
"Yeah.........sometimes."
=====
"Full steam ahead!" I shouted as I got ready to pull away, on my first day as a train driver.
The rest of the day mostly involved learning about how I shouldn't put water in the diesel tank.
=====
If genius really is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration, there were a lot of geniuses on the bus yesterday.
=====
I can't believe the bad luck that I'm having lately.
I was at my Uncle's funeral yesterday.
And I caught the wreath.
=====
Sometimes the neighbors on my floor invite me to get togethers because I'm a loner and they feel sorry for me. Like today there was a sticky note on my door that said, "Come for the fun, stay for the friends <3"
How did she know I have less than three friends?
=====
I wish I'd found the Genie's lamp before I got stoned.
Now I've got two dune buggys and a penguin that keeps asking me how to drive a dune buggy.
=====
George Galloway was on Question time last night, discussing rape.
He said "No man has ever told their partner "We are having sex tonight"
He's clearly never spent a week in prison.
=====
As a teacher I'm really concerned about my class, 85% of my pupals can't spell.
And the other 25% are shit at maths.
=====
BBC News: UN tells Vatican to remove all paedophile clergy.
There's more chance of Michael Barrymore being on the panel of Splash.
=====
I've been really pissed off at work recently so I decided to tell my boss a thing or two yesterday.
Well, my ex boss that is.
=====
4 out of 5 voices in my head agree I am not schizophrenic.
=====
So, if nice guys finish last, then Usain Bolt must be a complete twat.
=====
According to astrophysicists, old stars collapse when they exhaust their supply of fuel.
I disagree.
I reckon Old stars collapse when they see the folks from Operation Yewtree coming up their driveway.
=====
I was making some jam today but it blew up in my face.
Turns out I'd used radicalised muslin.
=====
My girlfriend told me that she thinks the world of me.
I'm assuming that its because I'm polluted, poor, and generally prone to disaster