All my wife does is rabbit rabbit rabbit.
It's costing me a fucking fortune in batteries!
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I was going to write a joke about Max Clifford.
Then I remembered that I'd have no-one to represent me if I got sued.
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I don't know what is so exciting about being third in line to the throne.
I'm in that position every bloody morning and usually close to shitting myself by the time I get there.
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BBC News: Kate McCann has commented today that the system doesn't work.
She should be fucking thankful, if it did, her and Gerry would be in prison.
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My mate told me that he sits on his wife for 10 minutes before sex.
Just so it feels like somebody else's wife.
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My girlfriend has recently started to look up at me while she's giving me a blow job.
I think she's been watching porn and not telling me.
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The only reason Kate Middleton is pregnant is because she doesn't have tits worth finishing on.
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This Argos pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths.
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Telling someone to 'eat shit and die' can be a rather harsh insult.
Unless your telling it to a fly, then you've just laid out it's entire journey through life.
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Is a bulimic orgy a pukkake?
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Give an man a potato and he will eat for a day, but teach him to grow potatoes and he'll eat for a lifetime.
However, teach him how to distill a potato and he won't care either way.
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Marks and Spencer's "Dine in for £10" are offering different products depending what area in the UK you live.
In Scotland you get 3 bottles of wine for £10.
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My mate told me that the Undertaker did an amazing job at his mother in law's funeral.
The highlight was when he performed a tombstone pile driver on her cold, lifeless corpse.
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I was sat in the pub with a mate of mine when he said:
"I've had my ear pierced."
"I noticed" I said, "but isn't that the gay ear?"
"What?" he laughed, "what makes you think it's the gay ear?"
"Tarquin's rubbing his cock in it."
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Now that William and Kate are expecting that makes Diana a dgilf.
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Yahoo! News: Child Abuse on decline in 2012
That's because Jimmy Saville died in 2011.
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was squirted in my face with pepper spray and then the handcuffs were slapped on me, before I received a couple of blows with a truncheon.
"Stop!" I pleaded. "Stop!"
Three more times I was hit and as I lay on the bedroom floor sobbing, I turned to my wife and said, "You bitch! I've forgotten the safe word. You can fuck off if you think you're dressing up as a policewoman again."
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Stuart Hall has been charged with three counts of indecent assault.
It would only have been two but the police played their joker.
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I desperately pleaded with my step-daughter- "Making false accusations of sexual abuse can destroy relationships, end careers and ruin lives- please reconsider your decision!".
"I know" she said, "but I'm still not willing to say that Piers Morgan interfered with me".
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For once in my life,
I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my cock.
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'He's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty and nice'.
Head of Operation Yew Tree.
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Acronym Dictionary Corner
BOBFOC = Body Off Baywatch Face Off Crimewatch.
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As I put our pints down on the table I said, "That fucking barman could barely understand English"
"One of them Eastern Europeans was he?"
"No, he was a chav"
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Usain Bolt can run the 100m in 9.58 Chelsea Managers.
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If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
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To a woman, everything is 'cute' when it is small.
Except for cocks and bank balances.
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What do you call a woman who's trying to get to the front of a crowd? Jocelyn.
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Darts, the only sport where the players have bigger tits than the promo girls.
Sorry Mayan's the world won't be ending on the 21st of December, because it already ended this morning when i left the toilet seat up.
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Dear vegetarians,
Stop fucking eating my food's food!!
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What's got four legs and doesn't move?
Half a spider.
=====
I won big at the weekend.
You realise what a shit raffle it was when 1st prize was an old Tom Hanks video.
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me a thousand times, you are a bastard weatherman.
=====
Sometimes I like to draw a giant cock on my forehead before I go to bed.
Just so it feels like I've got a social life.
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So Kate Middleton is pregnant..
I thought that it was government policy to discourage people who don't work from having kids.
=====
One of the worse things about being an identical twin, is knowing that you both have the same cum face.
=====
Did you know that if you counted up all the pies bought at football matches every weekend in the UK, the chances are, you're a boring twat.
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BBC News: Prince Phillip has been seen shopping for a new Mercedes.
Just in case Kate, just in case.
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If ever you see a guy walking funny, there's a chance that he's injured.
But there's also a much greater chance that he's unsticking his scrotum from his leg to avoid having to put his hand down his pants in public.
=====
From time to time I like to get in touch with my feminine side.
So every now and again I'll throw something with my left hand.
=====
The wife and I were opening our Christmas presents, when I unwrapped a giant pink dildo.
I said to the wife, "This is obviously for you."
She laughed, "How do you know?"
"I asked for a black one."
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My ex showed no interest in any of my hobbies.
I made a foot stool once and she flushed it without a glance.
=====
"What the fuck is your problem?" He snarled at me.
My new GP seems unnecessarily aggressive.
=====
I can't wait to see the royal special of Jeremy Kyle with William and Kate
Holding a ginger baby.
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"So," I asked, "Are you still on for a cock up your arse later?"
My wife looked shocked, "I can't believe you just asked me that in front of the whole pub!"
"Really?" I replied. "I can't believe you thought I was talking to you. Come on Ron. Let's get out of here."
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My air guitar face and my orgasm face are the same.
In that when I make them there is nobody around to see.
=====
When I was a kid, if I had a sore throat I was given a Hall's soother to suck on.
My uncle Stuart kept them in his pants.
=====
My Aunt always gives me a £5 cheque for my birthday, which is a bastard.
It costs me six quid in buses to get to the bank and back.
=====
I took my son to see Santa yesterday, but as soon as he sat on his lap he started crying.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"It's this job mate, I fucking hate it."
=====
My girlfriend left me because I've put weight on. She even said that my thumbs were too fat.
Botch.
=====
I asked members of the angry mob who had gathered outside Max Clifford's house, burning effigies and screaming "Scum", whether they were overreacting to unproven child abuse allegations.
"What child abuse allegations?" they asked.
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Max Clifford: Putting the PR in Paedophile Ring
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My girlfriend just called me a smug arrogant selfish wanker.
I nearly fell out of my BMW and broke my iPhone 5.
=====
I had one of those creepy moments today when I was side by side with someone at the traffic lights, we both looked at each other at the same moment and made eye contact.
And realised we were both masturbating.
====
Although Bing Cosby was very successful, think of how much better he'd have been if he'd called himself Google Cosby.
=====
Sky News: Disaster was narrowly avoided after a bomb was thrown at the X factor judges.
Quick thinking Gary Barlow handed the device to Tulisa.
He knew it would never go off in her hands
=====
Non smoker: Do you smoke?
Smoker: Yes
Non smoker: How many packs a day?
Smoker: 3 packs
Non smoker: How much per pack
Smoker: £10.00
Non smoker: And how long have you been smoking?
Smoker: 15 years
Non smoker: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Smoker: Correct
Non smoker: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Non smoker: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Smoker: Do you smoke?
Non smoker: No
Smoker: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?