BBC News: Refugees from Syria are streaming across the border.
It's not my favourite Bruce Springsteen song but each to their own.
=====
I've spent a great afternoon shooting hoops in the park today.
I fucking hate Celtic fans.
=====
"Two little boys had two little toys"
Sang Rolf with a big erection.
=====
I work for a shit detective agency.
You've probably seen me.
=====
I worry about what else my memory foam mattress can remember.
=====
I think Henry the Hoover is gay.
He doesn't like the carpet but has great suction on the hard wood.
=====
Has anyone else noticed that right now all you need to type in Google is "Does" and it immediately suggests "Does Syria have
oil?"
=====
My mate told me that Pluto wasn't considered a planet.
He must think I'm stupid or something,
Everyone knows he's a dog.
=====
Cosmopolitan magazine says there's 21 ways to arouse your man.
I'm pretty sure all you have to do is touch his dick.
=====
So, Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary.
Future and Optimism have been removed.
=====
Look son, every man is nervous the first time he does it with a woman, but we all end up going through with it.
Just be strong.
Now go up to that nice young lady, and ask her for directions.
=====
I shaved all the hair of my girlfriend's cat.
Hopefully she takes the hint.
=====
Yesterday, I did a shit on Jay-Z's front door step.
Just so he has a nice round number of problems.
=====
She looks like a toaster,
She walks like a toaster,
She talks like a toaster,
And I know why...
She's a Breville in disguise.
=====
I pointed out to my friends the other day that Facebook is full of losers and a complete waste of time.
It got 156 likes.
=====
If history has taught us one thing, then we haven't learnt much have we.
=====
Rising demand for primary school places could soon see two pupils fighting for every place in some areas of the country.
My money's on the chav kids, they carry knives.
=====
My Grandad lived by The Sword and died by The Sword.
He fucking loved that pub.
=====
Transfer deadline day is the footballing equivalent of Christmas Eve shopping for most blokes.
Panic buy as much shit as possible while you have the chance.
=====
I was out repairing my garden fence when I heard the news my elderly neighbour had died.
Poor dear, she was a lonely old woman whose family never visited her.
When they come to clear out her house I think they will be astonished at the size of her garden compared to mine.
=====
This vodka tastes a lot like I'm not going into work tomorrow.
=====
A blond woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off bananas"
I can always tell if they use fake dinosaurs in films.
=====
BBC News: "Rapist discovers his victim had HIV"
And people laugh at the idea of karma.
=====
I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
They'll never fully appreciate the comfort and coolness of their bathroom floor.
=====
It was pitiful to watch. The poor babies covered in flies, desperate for water and so hungry.
It did make me think though.
Maybe I wasn't cut out to run a creche.
=====
I saw a woman had broken down at the side of the road.
I didn't stop to help her.
What?! I'm not a psychiatrist.
=====
"Do you want to hear a really good batman impression?" asked my mate Dave.
"Go on then," I replied.
"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" he screamed.
"That's superman,"
"Thanks! I've been practising."
=====
The Japanese flag is actually a pie chart of how much of Japan is actually Japan.
=====
Went to the opticians today. He turned off the light and said "What do you see?"
I whispered, "Dead people."
=====
They say "no news is good news."
Either that or your paper boy is a lazy little bastard.
=====
I watches a blind man drowned today.
I only wanted to see if I could throw a tennis ball over the Thames.
=====
My wife had a face like thunder when I came home from work. "You left a DVD in the player last night."
"Oh shit," I grimaced, "Please don't tell me Jack turned it on by accident."
"He did. Then I'm the one having to answer all the questions about it." She carried on, "God knows what he's going to blurt out in school."
"I'll talk to him," I said.
"You better had. He wanted to know why his dad was watching 'Strictly Come Dancing' when all his friends' dads watch porn."
=====
Just saw this on the "Campaign For British English on the Internet" website.
"This site uses biscuits. By using the site you consent to our use of biscuits"
=====
Leboo bragged how he was descended from a long line of brave Masai warriors and crawling through the long grass, we all watched bewildered at his speed and skill in spearing the male lion dead on such a hot day.
So now, with or without an exchange student , our school is never allowed to go back to Woburn Safari Park.
=====
"Your dick's a weird shape," said my girlfriend.
As she was wonking me off.
=====
I used to be in a band call The iPhones.
We only lasted two hours.
=====
I took a Bullet today.
Now the Japanese police said I face 20 years.
=====
Even though Obama says no boots on the ground in Syria that still doesn't mean he wouldn't send troops there.
They just won't be wearing boots.
======
An English man, a Scotch man and a Irish man have just performed a robbery.
While running away from the police they enter a dead end.
The three men hide in a sack each, confused the police kick the first sack "woof woof" says the English man. "Must be a dog in that one"
So they kick the second sack "meow" says the Scott's man "must be some kittens in that one" says the police.
So they kick the last sack "POTATO!"
=====
Muammar al-Gaddafi, Bashar al-Assad, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Ladena and Barack Obama.
One thing's clear, to be a top ranking tyrant or terrorist these days you've got to have two letter A's in your first name.
=====
As I sat down on my stool in the pub last night, I thought to myself, "I should really go home and change my pants."
=====
Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.
As if "Fuck off you loser" was going to get me into bed.
=====
I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
Apparently I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.