I've been thinking of writing a mystery novel.
Or have I?
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What would it take to reunite "The Beatles"?
Two bullets.
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One of my mates told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space,
Which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say, and it ruined our bath.
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I don't know why everyone's going crazy about the photo of a weasel riding on the back of woodpecker.
Isn't that what happened at the last election?
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Say what you like about the Polish, but they're a hard-working lot.
In the flats where I live there's a family upstairs.
Before they moved in there was no upstairs.
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My girlfriend told me to hurt her with anal sex.
So I used crunchy peanut butter as lube.
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I pissed the bed last night.
"Oh god" said my girlfriend "How have you managed this at your age?"
"I must of had too much to drink." I said.
"You can say that again" She said "You slept on the sofa."
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My mate was telling me how he's planning to get his own back on his wife for having an affair.
"You know what they say about revenge, eh?"
"Yes, it's a dish best served reheated to at least 75 degrees in the centre" I said.
Apparently, being a Food Safety Inspector makes me boring.
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I held her hand, looked her in the eye and whispered, "Before we go on, do you have any STDs?"
Then for some reason she put down the menu, got up from the table and left.
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BBC News: Greggs profits have jumped 41%.
Ironically, 41% of their customers can't jump.
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My girlfriend went to a job interview at Nivea but they knocked her back.
They told her the best thing to do is not to give up and apply daily.
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If I wasn't meant to wear my Batman outfit then you should have been more specific on 'wear black' in the funeral invite.
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Adam Johnson has been released on Bale.
'Get that fucking paedo away from me!' screeched the Real Madrid forward.
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So, Danny Dyer.
His name or a description of his acting ?
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Maths works in mysterious ways.
2x2 = 4
1x1 = 1
0x0 = a small brown square that can be added to a casserole.
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I'm such a bad singer that deaf people can't even look at my lips when I'm singing.
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A mate of mine always used to brag at school that he had the biggest cock when we were in the showers after PE.
Wasn't really a fair contest though, he was the only one with a hard on.
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Not sure why everyone's so surprised at a photo of a weasel grabbing a bird.
Just go to the 'gallery' on any Essex nightclub's website.
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Bad news for ISIS.
Jihadi John has just met Jihadi Yoko Ono.
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If elected, Ed Miliband has promised to reduce student fees.
'I was lucky enough to go to a paid school' he said, 'and I want the same kind of excellent education to be available to 80% of youngsters, leaving the other 30% going to state schools.'
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The only marathons I've ever finished are now called snickers.
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Johnson's boast 'No More Tears'
Let's find out in the showers,
Love Big Dave, Cell 4 E Wing
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On the Jeremy Kyle Show yesterday, there was a nice-looking woman of average weight with no relationship problems, a full set of teeth and not wearing leggings.
Turned out she was supposed to be on This Morning but got lost.
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Three things to do before I die:
1) Swim with Piranhas
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"I'd grab stars from the sky for you. Of course, they're 3000 degrees balls of burning gas so you'd die instantly"
- Why I don't write love letters.
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My baby daughter cries if I don't play her favourite six songs over and over. Still can't complain too much, it's a more varied playlist than Radio 1.
Anabolic steroids give you big muscles but shrink the penis.
So I reverse engineered it.
Now I have a massive 20 inch cock, but no strength to wank it off.
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I was in the pub when a bloke came up to me and said, "Have you seen my old man?"
"Sorry pal, I don't swing that way."
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BBC Sports News: Sunderland to appeal brown red card
It's like that dress bullshit all over again.
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I've always wanted to start an annual 'Precedents Day'.
But I don't know how, because there's never been one before.
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A few years ago, I caught my son masturbating.
I told him to save it till he was 18.
Now he's 18, I caught him again and he had 9 jars full.
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As of the other day Justin Bieber can legally go to a bar and drink away the pain of knowing he'll spend the rest of his life being Justin Bieber.
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Selfies are getting out of control now.
My car keeps sending them from times we've been driving really fast on the motorway.
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BBC News: Scientists say that the most complex computer in the known universe, the human brain, uses only 20 Watts of power.
So I'm off to wire my head up to the mains socket and become a super-genius.
Can't believe no-one's thought of this before.
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"Mark my words" generally means you're in trouble.
Particularly if you're Mark, the easily-distracted autocue operator.
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"Apparently I suffer from ADHD."
"What is that?"
"What is what?"
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I went to answer a knock on the door yesterday morning.
Outside was a very small man leafing through a paperback book.
"You're a little chap, how tall are you?" I questioned.
"I'm 3 feet, 3 and 3/8 inches tall," he replied.
"Well, why have you knocked on my door?" I asked him.
"Because I'm the metre reader."
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"Do you know what happens when you die?"
"Well yes, the kids will argue over my shit, the wife will probably shag my brother again, and everybody who thinks I am a proper twat will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was."
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A curry and sex does not speed up the delivery of a baby.
It just causes everyone else in the restaurant to call the Police.
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I saw an advert on TV showing what a person looks like after having a stroke.
I was surprised when I realised that's my come face too.
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I'm not saying I've got a hairy arse.
But my shits hit the water filtered.
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Body language tells us a lot about a person's feelings.
For example, my boss hates surprise headlocks.
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My girlfriend just came home with yet another new bag.
Fucking hell, she's spending a fortune on this colostomy.
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I get my love of music from my Father, who was a conductor.
He and the driver always had the radio on.
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"I want this investigated Dmitry, 4 bullets....4 fucking bullets in his back....What's Russia coming to, it's a fucking disgrace Dmitry!"
"Sorry Mr Putin, you're right, next time we'll go back to using Polonium."
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A world without adjectives would be..........
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What's got no teeth and smells?
The gearbox in my car.
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So Spock died aged 83.
So young for a Vulcan.
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Last night I saw Godzilla's son.
Jesuszilla.
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Pornhub's new gadget called 'Wankband' allow it's wearer to harnesses the energy one produces from masturbation to charge electronics.
With the way my sex life is going I'll be able to power a small village in Africa for an entire year after only using it for a month.
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Anyone who says, " I'd love to be a fly on the wall"
has obviously over-estimated the intellectual capacity of flies.
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Did you know that if you collect all the sperm that comes out of your penis for your entire lifetime.
Then you're single.
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What do you call a man with a kid on his dick?
Cliff.
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A human couple and an alien couple are having dinner when the discussion inevitably comes to sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" Asks the Earth woman.
"Pretty much the same as you guys do," reply the aliens.
Eventually they decide to swap partners and the human woman leads the alien male to her bedroom. To her shock when he undresses she sees he has a tiny member.
"What on Earth could you do with that?!" she asks, "it's tiny!"
"Not a problem," he replies as he slaps his head, and with each slap it becomes longer and longer.
"That's amazing!" she gasps, "but it's still pretty thin..."
Without saying a word he starts pulling his ears, and with each pull it grows thicker and thicker and the two have the most incredible sex of their lives.
Afterwards her husband asks, "how was it?"
"I hate to say it," his wife replies, "but it was pretty incredible. How was it for you?"
"Weird, all night long she was slapping my head and yanking my ears"