"We have to go back, I've forgotten to bring my tablets."
"For fuck's sake Moses."
=====
How many Elliot Rodgers' does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Elliot Rodgers can't screw anything.
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As a music fan, I was devastated to see footage appearing to show One Direction smoking cannabis.
If they're going to fuck around with drugs I'd far prefer it if they chose contaminated pharmaceutical grade heroin.
=====
Microsoft are to announce the self-driven Bing Car.
It's much slower than Googles, breaks down every time you use but at least you know you'll be one of only 10 people in the world who have one.
=====
My Dad advised me that if you use your head you can succeed at anything.
I hate cleaning the toilet
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Dear co-worker that just microwaved hobo feet for lunch.
I hate you.
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On average, British couples have sex 2-3 times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex only 1-3 times a month.
hich is upsetting news.
I had no idea that I was Japanese.
=====
I've just watched a film about a really disinterested superhero.
Meh of Steel.
=====
Just bought some barbecue flavoured crisps,
They taste like bricks and wire mesh.
=====
Does Dr Who's Tardis have a toilet inside it, or does he just travel back in time, to a time when he didn't need a shit?
=====
I was rubbing an old lamp earlier when a genie popped out and granted me a wish.
I asked him to make me irresistable to all women.
Bastard turned me into a pair of shoes.
=====
As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
=====
Apparently the McCann's are assisting the police manhunt for Madeleine through a live video link to the search site.
So basically it's Gerry muttering: "Cold....colder.....warm....... cold......warmer.......red hot!".
=====
I was chatting to my mate, about his midget girlfriend.
I said, "I can see how it would be handy for blow jobs, but how do you have sex with her, she's tiny?"
"I just pick her up, get her on it and move her up and down." He replied.
"Isn't that just like having a wank though?" I asked.
"I suppose so, but at least I've got someone to talk to."
=====
My girlfriend says I watch so much lesbian porn that it's becoming an obsession.
Or at least I imagine that's what she and her hot roommate talk about in the shower.
=====
Sky Sports News: Steven Gerrard reveals that England are preparing for World Cup penalty shootouts.
By practising shaking their heads while looking dejected.
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I was rubbing an old lamp earlier when a genie popped out and granted me a wish.
I asked to have whiter teeth.
Bastard gave me a sunlamp.
Ever since my daughter started dating, all her boyfriends have had a funny little red dot on their forehead.
Thanks to the laser scope on my rifle.
=====
I'm not keen on bedding plants.
My knob gets covered in soil.
=====
I took my daughters bra shopping today.
Fuck knows why, I should've probably left it at home.
=====
I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night.
"This is my dad Roger," I said, "And this is my twin brother Dave."
"Nice to meet you," she smiled. "Who's the oldest?"
"My dad."
=====
Among mammals, bats have the highest rates of homosexuality.
I guess that explains Robin and all the leather.
=====
Good luck getting Hodgson to get England to 'play like Liverpool'.
He couldn't even get Liverpool to play like Liverpool.
=====
My boss told me to put up a road sign immediately to warn people of the work ahead.
An hour later he asked why it hadn't been done.
"I couldn't find any with a picture of a dozen managers in brand new high-visibility coats watching one bloke work."
=====
As I sat down opposite my date in a restaurant last night, she stared at me and said, "You look nothing like you do in your photo."
"That's because I'm not wearing a gimp mask." I replied.
"So why are you wearing one now?"
=====
I felt very disappointed to read that Macaulay Culkin was forced off stage by people throwing pint glasses at him.
They should have shown him what it's like to be smashed in the face with a tin of paint instead.
=====
My mate opened the door and caught me wanking.
"Don't you fucking knock?" I yelled.
"Get out of the fridge!"
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Professor Stephen Hawkin has revealed a formula for England's chances at this year's World Cup finals.
Apparently their chances increase by 25% if they play at 3.00pm,
by 33% if they wear red and by a massive 100% if he plays up front instead of Danny Welbeck.
=====
My mum showed me my baby photos earlier, they were shit.
I couldn't hold the camera properly with my little hands, so all the photos were just the inside of my cot.
=====
Sky News : Jacques Cousteau's grandson is aiming to set a new record by spending a month living underwater.
Too late, 600 people already did that last year in Somerset.
=====
Benefit office, magistrates, bookies, pub, Greggs, Anfield.
Scouse driver of a Google car adding their favorites.
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The BBC are going to stream World Cup matches in 4K.
Great, now we'll be able to see the disappointment on the England's players faces in ultra high definition.
=====
I wonder if Prince Philip has ever watched 'The Queen' starring Helen Mirren and thought.........."I'd do her."
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A Premier League referee has died after stepping out in front of a double decker bus.
Probably didn't see it.
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My son asked me to take him to the aquarium today, as he needed to find out about sponges for his biology homework.
When we got there, I was shocked to find that it would cost us 30 quid to get in.
So, I took him to the benefits office instead.