A security guard stopped me as I walked out of Tesco this morning.
"I believe you've got a bottle of champagne inside your jacket," he said, "Would you mind opening it for me?"
"Not at all," I replied, "Have you got a couple of glasses?"
=====
I just walked into a Barclay’s branch, shot everyone who works there and stole all the money from the safe.
And somehow I still have the moral high ground.
=====
My girlfriend was looking through some holiday brochures & asked me "What would you say to a little cruise, darling?"
"I'd probably say 'Keep your bent Scientologist hands to yourself, shortarse'" I replied.
=====
I was sat before the doctor. “Do you practice safe sex?" He asked.
“Always." I replied.
He looked at the piece of paper in his hand and said, " Well, you're not very good at it are you."
=====
I read that 50 Shades Of Grey years ago.
Except It was called Razzle back then.
=====
I said to my new girlfriend "How come I spend a fortune when I'm with you?"
"Because I'm a prostitute".
=====
I was getting up for a piss in the night when my wife woke up and said, "You can't walk round naked like that, what if the kids see you?"
"OK, I'll put some pants on." I said.
"I should think so. I don't want them knowing their dad's got a tiny cock."
=====
I thought I heard my two cats having sex earlier, turns out it was Jimmy Carr laughing.
=====
I was in the library looking through a book when the librarian came up to me and said,
"Are you going to borrow that book or not? This isn't a newsagents you know."
=====
Thanks to '50 Shades of Grey', my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna.
=====
There's nothing worse than hearing a different name screamed out during sex.
I would love to find out who this Dave is, and why I shouted his name.
=====
Tom and Jerry never fully prepared me for the death of my cat.
Or for how heavy a mallet is.
=====
I bought my wife a Lego dildo for while I'm away at work for the weekend. It's got 100 pieces and she claims it's as good if not better than the real thing.
She even made a jewellery box out of the other 97 bricks.
=====
So that Higgs-Boson particle wasn't really lost at all.
It was in the Hadron Collider all the time.
=====
Barack Obama's in training for a second term of office.
He says if he's elected president he will also consider hunting vampires.
=====
I was speaking to an athlete.
"I'm the 100 meter champion," he told me.
"Really?" I replied, "What do you do it in?"
"Shorts, a t-shirt and some trainers.
=====
When you have one of those annoying tickly coughs, why not join your fellow sufferers at the theatre and have a fucking good cough throughout the performance.
=====
Did anyone see the joke about ninjas earlier?
=====
The funniest thing to do using Google+
Step 1. Randomly divide everyone you know into two separate circles.
Step 2. Post to circle 1 that you just got an awesome new job
Step 3. Post to circle 2 that you just contracted some disease
Step 4. Post to your extended circles the message: 'Tomorrow is my last day'
Sit back and watch resulting comment battle unfold.
=====
My wife complained, “I’m fed up with you masturbating all the time."
"Talk to the hand."
=====
I flew with BA on a holiday to the Seychelles.
"So you're not really scared of flying?" I said to him.
=====
The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse I was a sperm.
=====
Just got my tickets to the Olympic women's beach volleyball final!
Unfortunately, it's Iran versus Saudi Arabia.
=====
As I waited to be taken down to start my prison term, I was allowed a final minute with my wife.
I said "Listen Susan, prison is a horrible place that changes people for the worse, and when I come out I doubt I'll be the same man you know and love. For that reason, I don't expect you to wait for me, so get on with your life and try and meet someone else who can hopefully be a father to our children. Most of all though, just stay strong and be happy."
"Stay strong?" my wife snapped, "You're only doing a week for an unpaid parking ticket you fucking prick!"
=====
Wayne Rooney will be returning his copy of 50 Shades of Grey after discovering it wasn't a brochure for his local brothel.
=====
They say a dog is a man's best friend.
But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a shit on my carpet.
=====
Unbeknownst to my daughter, I was sat a few rows back from her on the bus and I was shocked to hear the language she was coming out with.
I didn't even know she could speak Croatian.
=====
I'll say one thing about Barclays Bank.
They've made the banking system in Nigeria a much more attractive investment opportunity.
=====
Victoria Beckham has said she's been very lonely since Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise split up.
She has no one to talk to when Tom and David are upstairs 'playing video games'.
=====
So it's okay for women to read 50 Shades of Grey on the train,
But when I whip out my "Finally Legal" magazine, I'm being inappropriate.
=====
My best friend told me that I shouldn't do drugs.
I would stop, but anything that makes my dog give advice like that has to be good.
=====
My mate was named after his father.
They called him "Dad".
=====
I said, "A hip hop hippie to the hip, you don't stop banging to the bang bang boogie."
And that's when the officer insisted on a breathalyser.
"I believe you've got a bottle of champagne inside your jacket," he said, "Would you mind opening it for me?"
"Not at all," I replied, "Have you got a couple of glasses?"
=====
I just walked into a Barclay’s branch, shot everyone who works there and stole all the money from the safe.
And somehow I still have the moral high ground.
=====
My girlfriend was looking through some holiday brochures & asked me "What would you say to a little cruise, darling?"
"I'd probably say 'Keep your bent Scientologist hands to yourself, shortarse'" I replied.
=====
I was sat before the doctor. “Do you practice safe sex?" He asked.
“Always." I replied.
He looked at the piece of paper in his hand and said, " Well, you're not very good at it are you."
=====
I read that 50 Shades Of Grey years ago.
Except It was called Razzle back then.
=====
I said to my new girlfriend "How come I spend a fortune when I'm with you?"
"Because I'm a prostitute".
=====
I was getting up for a piss in the night when my wife woke up and said, "You can't walk round naked like that, what if the kids see you?"
"OK, I'll put some pants on." I said.
"I should think so. I don't want them knowing their dad's got a tiny cock."
=====
I thought I heard my two cats having sex earlier, turns out it was Jimmy Carr laughing.
=====
I was in the library looking through a book when the librarian came up to me and said,
"Are you going to borrow that book or not? This isn't a newsagents you know."
=====
Thanks to '50 Shades of Grey', my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna.
=====
There's nothing worse than hearing a different name screamed out during sex.
I would love to find out who this Dave is, and why I shouted his name.
=====
Tom and Jerry never fully prepared me for the death of my cat.
Or for how heavy a mallet is.
=====
I bought my wife a Lego dildo for while I'm away at work for the weekend. It's got 100 pieces and she claims it's as good if not better than the real thing.
She even made a jewellery box out of the other 97 bricks.
=====
So that Higgs-Boson particle wasn't really lost at all.
It was in the Hadron Collider all the time.
=====
Barack Obama's in training for a second term of office.
He says if he's elected president he will also consider hunting vampires.
=====
I was speaking to an athlete.
"I'm the 100 meter champion," he told me.
"Really?" I replied, "What do you do it in?"
"Shorts, a t-shirt and some trainers.
=====
When you have one of those annoying tickly coughs, why not join your fellow sufferers at the theatre and have a fucking good cough throughout the performance.
=====
Did anyone see the joke about ninjas earlier?
=====
The funniest thing to do using Google+
Step 1. Randomly divide everyone you know into two separate circles.
Step 2. Post to circle 1 that you just got an awesome new job
Step 3. Post to circle 2 that you just contracted some disease
Step 4. Post to your extended circles the message: 'Tomorrow is my last day'
Sit back and watch resulting comment battle unfold.
=====
My wife complained, “I’m fed up with you masturbating all the time."
"Talk to the hand."
=====
I flew with BA on a holiday to the Seychelles.
"So you're not really scared of flying?" I said to him.
=====
The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse I was a sperm.
=====
Just got my tickets to the Olympic women's beach volleyball final!
Unfortunately, it's Iran versus Saudi Arabia.
=====
As I waited to be taken down to start my prison term, I was allowed a final minute with my wife.
I said "Listen Susan, prison is a horrible place that changes people for the worse, and when I come out I doubt I'll be the same man you know and love. For that reason, I don't expect you to wait for me, so get on with your life and try and meet someone else who can hopefully be a father to our children. Most of all though, just stay strong and be happy."
"Stay strong?" my wife snapped, "You're only doing a week for an unpaid parking ticket you fucking prick!"
=====
Wayne Rooney will be returning his copy of 50 Shades of Grey after discovering it wasn't a brochure for his local brothel.
=====
They say a dog is a man's best friend.
But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a shit on my carpet.
=====
Unbeknownst to my daughter, I was sat a few rows back from her on the bus and I was shocked to hear the language she was coming out with.
I didn't even know she could speak Croatian.
=====
I'll say one thing about Barclays Bank.
They've made the banking system in Nigeria a much more attractive investment opportunity.
=====
Victoria Beckham has said she's been very lonely since Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise split up.
She has no one to talk to when Tom and David are upstairs 'playing video games'.
=====
So it's okay for women to read 50 Shades of Grey on the train,
But when I whip out my "Finally Legal" magazine, I'm being inappropriate.
=====
My best friend told me that I shouldn't do drugs.
I would stop, but anything that makes my dog give advice like that has to be good.
=====
My mate was named after his father.
They called him "Dad".
=====
I said, "A hip hop hippie to the hip, you don't stop banging to the bang bang boogie."
And that's when the officer insisted on a breathalyser.
50 Shades of Red - Bonus Anal Edition
=====
I don't have life insurance because I'm going out of this world the way I came in.
As a burden to my family.
=====
I was in line waiting to pay for my petrol and the guy at the front said, "Pump one."
Which got me thinking: "I wonder if the Queen ever says that to Prince Philip?"
=====
My brother has got Alzheimer’s.
I hope to god it doesn't run in the family, because my brother John has got Alzheimer’s.
=====
I just found out '50 Shades of Grey' is some kind of erotic book.
I had just assumed it was the weather forecast for July.
=====
The lads at football know me as a dead ball specialist.
I'd prefer if they said that I worked at the In Vitro Fertilization clinic.
=====
I've never actually seen two women scissoring but I'd bet you it sounds like an armpit farting contest.
=====
Have you seen that “Gordon Ramsey Behind Bars”?
He wants the prisoners to show they have the ability to give something back to society.
My TV and PlayStation would be a nice fucking start.
=====
I was checking for lumps and found a perfectly formed pair of testicles.
Fuck knows what they were doing in my mash.
=====
So what would "The Pretenders" tribute band be called ?
=====
After reading the Stieg Larrson books "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest" and "The Girl Who Played with Fire"
I can’t help but get excited for the next two books in the series.
"The Girl Who Swam After Eating" and "The Girl Who Ran With Scissors".
=====
Sky News: Barclays need a new manager.
Sporting News: Harry Redknapp’s dog is favourite with the bookies.
=====
Las Vegas and Blackburn don't have much in common, but they are the only two places on earth that you can pay for sex with chips.
=====
"So Katie, it's over to the Price family and you have a chance to steal. We asked 100 people to “name somewhere you might take a girl on a first date?"
You said, “Up the arse”.
Our survey says, you're a dirty slag."
=====
You’re so ugly, that even Susan Boyle turned you down for sex...........In a dream.
=====
My ex once decided to try and spice up our sex life with dirty talk. “Tell me something that will get me wet” she said one night.
“Showering removes cellulite?”
=====
My mate’s wife left him because he was cheating on her.
He doesn’t mind though. The hot new blonde he’d been dating behind her back just loves anal and is really into him.
He's from Sweden.
=====
The Higgs Bison, smallest known buffalo known to man.