_
My New Year's resolutions are:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
=====
I've won a year's supply of calendars.
One that is.
=====
An American asked me, why do you call it "maths?"
"Because we were taught more than one equation"
=====
I just rang Alcohol Concern and told them I was worried I didn't have enough beer in the fridge.
They're quite rude, aren't they?
=====
If I was a teacher I would staple McDonald's application forms to any failed exams.
=====
A salesman phoned me today.
He said, "I'm ringing to talk to you about over 50 life insurance plans."
"Over 50 life insurance plans?" I said, "That'll take all day, can't you just talk to me about the best one and forget the other 49?"
=====
The TV programme 'One Foot in the Grave' has a very misleading title.
I thought was an obituary for Heather Mills.
=====
I asked my wife today, "If you had a pound for every time you had sex, what would you do?"
"Get a new pimp" she replied.
=====
Would the people in the front row of the cinema please have consideration for those of us who are watching a pirate DVD.
You're in the fucking way!
=====
My sex life is so bad I fake an orgasm when I have a wank.
=====
My new years resolution is 1920x1200.
=====
For Fucks sake.
You run the gauntlet of Lily Allen's womb and the poor bastard gets called Ethel.
=====
Apparently, librarians don't go for a poo.
They go for a sssshhhhhhhit.
=====
Boy: If I had £1 for every girl that I've met as beautiful as you, I'd have £1.
Girl: If Inhad some cheese for every line I'd heard as cheesy as that, I'd have your cock.
=====
What's red, small, round and melts in your mouth?
A leper's clitoris.
=====
I wonder what Morgan Freeman's face says in Braille.
=====
Apparently 2012 is going to be the year for change.
Yeah, because no-ones got enough fucking money for notes.
My New Year's resolutions are:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
=====
I've won a year's supply of calendars.
One that is.
=====
An American asked me, why do you call it "maths?"
"Because we were taught more than one equation"
=====
I just rang Alcohol Concern and told them I was worried I didn't have enough beer in the fridge.
They're quite rude, aren't they?
=====
If I was a teacher I would staple McDonald's application forms to any failed exams.
=====
A salesman phoned me today.
He said, "I'm ringing to talk to you about over 50 life insurance plans."
"Over 50 life insurance plans?" I said, "That'll take all day, can't you just talk to me about the best one and forget the other 49?"
=====
The TV programme 'One Foot in the Grave' has a very misleading title.
I thought was an obituary for Heather Mills.
=====
I asked my wife today, "If you had a pound for every time you had sex, what would you do?"
"Get a new pimp" she replied.
=====
Would the people in the front row of the cinema please have consideration for those of us who are watching a pirate DVD.
You're in the fucking way!
=====
My sex life is so bad I fake an orgasm when I have a wank.
=====
My new years resolution is 1920x1200.
=====
For Fucks sake.
You run the gauntlet of Lily Allen's womb and the poor bastard gets called Ethel.
=====
Apparently, librarians don't go for a poo.
They go for a sssshhhhhhhit.
=====
Boy: If I had £1 for every girl that I've met as beautiful as you, I'd have £1.
Girl: If Inhad some cheese for every line I'd heard as cheesy as that, I'd have your cock.
=====
What's red, small, round and melts in your mouth?
A leper's clitoris.
=====
I wonder what Morgan Freeman's face says in Braille.
=====
Apparently 2012 is going to be the year for change.
Yeah, because no-ones got enough fucking money for notes.
_
Dear World,
In my younger days I was a bit of a hot head, very vengeful. A bad ass mother-fucker. I gave people who cared about me diseases, and I watched people die while they begged my for mercy. An eye for an eye and all that.
Then I had a son. I mellowed out a lot. Started to turn the other cheek. I wasn't always out stirring up shit, in fact I tended to stay home and live through my child. I taught him well, to be a kind and gentle human being.
Which was all the more terrible when he was brutally murdered. After that I became a bit of a recluse, nobody's seen or heard from me in years. Sometimes I yearn for the good old days. But it's a different world now.
Yours sincerely, God
=====
I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I've got twelve fridges.
=====
I've just adopted a snow leopard.
Can't wait for it to arrive so I can skin it to make a nice coat for my girlfriend.
=====
I just bought cluedo: the bandwagon edition.
The knobhead did it, with no imagination, on the Internet.
=====
'The Iron Lady' has been classified PG.
Unsuitable for miners.
=====
You know, some women would be over the moon to be woken up on their birthday with flowers, a lovely cooked breakfast in bed and twenty minutes of amazing oral sex.
But oh no, not MY mum.
=====
They say "Life's a bitch".
Beause if it was easy it would be a slut.
=====
iCondom app?
I think they've targeted the wrong people.
We all know iPhone users are wankers.
=====
Just text my new girlfriend.
"Hi, shall I bring some protection out with me tonight?"
She said, "what for, you cheeky bugger!"
"You never know, we might get attacked.
=====
ITN News: A walker has found human remains in woodlands on the Royal Family's Sandringham estate.
After further inspection, it was revealed a mistake has been made and the walker
had actually found Prince Phillip, who was out on his morning stroll.
=====
I was having sex with my girlfriend last night when I suddenly stopped and didn't move.
"What are you doing?"
"Don't worry, I saw this on Pornhub earlier, its called Buffering.
=====
The house was empty so I put porn on full volume and started masturbating.
This is why I got arrested Your Honour.
=====
2012.
The year to get rich or die Mayan.
=====
5 star hotel room with king size bed.
£375.
Champagne on ice for two.
£137
Gorgeous woman to complete the evening.
Pricele...........Actually, she made me pay in cash.
=====
I've been seeing these two psychics.
One of them is manic all the time, the other is really depressed.
There's no happy medium.
=====
A man and a stunningly beautiful woman sit at a table in a 3 Michelin Star restaurant.
"I'll have the Oysters Rockefeller, the Braised Venison and a glass of Louis Roederer Cristal Champagne" says the man.
"Excellent choice sir" says the waiter "And your wife?".
"Just give her a call and tell her I'm having a fucking great time".
=====
"I now pronounce you husband and wife.......... You may update your Facebook status."
=====
My KiK name is hawthy27 so if you can't contact me by Text, Call, What'sapp, IMessage, Facetime, Email, Facebook, Twitter, Skype, MSN, Blackberry Messenger, Morse Code, Smoke Signals, Sign Language, Posted letters or Messenger Pigeon....you can now contact me on KiK but if KiK fails, fuck it and light the beacons Of Gondor.
=====
Surely they can just call it "Zealand" by now.
=====
If size doesn't matter, the why do my girlfriend's dildos look like they're missing a lamp shade.
=====
My Sat Nav kept taking me to gay bars.
It was stuck on Cruise control.
=====
I've had daily sex for as long as I can remember.
Sorry, dyslexia
=====
I live by the moral code that it doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more beer.
=====
My wife tells people, "My son was just another mixed up kid who died in the hood."
He wasn't a gangster though.
He put his cagoule on back to front and suffocated.
=====
Why is it there are 'No bombing' signs at swimming pools but not airports?
=====
I want my last words to be "I'd rather die."
=====
Have you ever noticed how the angle to which somebody wears a baseball cap on their head, in relation to pointing forward, is inversely proportionate to their intelligence?
=====
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Mimes must be the most hateful people on earth then.
=====
SKY News : The Salford Shooter just gave his name as 'Psycho Stapleton' in court.
I move that an extra charge of 'being a total cock' is added to the indictment.
=====
Last night I had such a good wank that when I woke up, my cock was in the kitchen making me breakfast.
=====
Kick racism out of football..........for 8 matches..........on full pay.
=====
During sex you burn as much calories as running for 8 kilometers.
Who the fuck runs 8 kilometers in 30 seconds?
=====
The Korean version of Marley and Me was probably a lot shorter.
=====
What Orchestra instruments do Meerkats play?
Cymbals.
=====
A lady says to her doctor "My husband has a bad habit of talking in his sleep, what should I do?"
"Give him a chance to speak when he's awake."
=====
My sex life is unbelievable.
Whenever I tell people I have a sex life, they don't believe me.
=====
I've just been banned from an online fashion forum.
Apparently my threads weren't cool enough.
Dear World,
In my younger days I was a bit of a hot head, very vengeful. A bad ass mother-fucker. I gave people who cared about me diseases, and I watched people die while they begged my for mercy. An eye for an eye and all that.
Then I had a son. I mellowed out a lot. Started to turn the other cheek. I wasn't always out stirring up shit, in fact I tended to stay home and live through my child. I taught him well, to be a kind and gentle human being.
Which was all the more terrible when he was brutally murdered. After that I became a bit of a recluse, nobody's seen or heard from me in years. Sometimes I yearn for the good old days. But it's a different world now.
Yours sincerely, God
=====
I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I've got twelve fridges.
=====
I've just adopted a snow leopard.
Can't wait for it to arrive so I can skin it to make a nice coat for my girlfriend.
=====
I just bought cluedo: the bandwagon edition.
The knobhead did it, with no imagination, on the Internet.
=====
'The Iron Lady' has been classified PG.
Unsuitable for miners.
=====
You know, some women would be over the moon to be woken up on their birthday with flowers, a lovely cooked breakfast in bed and twenty minutes of amazing oral sex.
But oh no, not MY mum.
=====
They say "Life's a bitch".
Beause if it was easy it would be a slut.
=====
iCondom app?
I think they've targeted the wrong people.
We all know iPhone users are wankers.
=====
Just text my new girlfriend.
"Hi, shall I bring some protection out with me tonight?"
She said, "what for, you cheeky bugger!"
"You never know, we might get attacked.
=====
ITN News: A walker has found human remains in woodlands on the Royal Family's Sandringham estate.
After further inspection, it was revealed a mistake has been made and the walker
had actually found Prince Phillip, who was out on his morning stroll.
=====
I was having sex with my girlfriend last night when I suddenly stopped and didn't move.
"What are you doing?"
"Don't worry, I saw this on Pornhub earlier, its called Buffering.
=====
The house was empty so I put porn on full volume and started masturbating.
This is why I got arrested Your Honour.
=====
2012.
The year to get rich or die Mayan.
=====
5 star hotel room with king size bed.
£375.
Champagne on ice for two.
£137
Gorgeous woman to complete the evening.
Pricele...........Actually, she made me pay in cash.
=====
I've been seeing these two psychics.
One of them is manic all the time, the other is really depressed.
There's no happy medium.
=====
A man and a stunningly beautiful woman sit at a table in a 3 Michelin Star restaurant.
"I'll have the Oysters Rockefeller, the Braised Venison and a glass of Louis Roederer Cristal Champagne" says the man.
"Excellent choice sir" says the waiter "And your wife?".
"Just give her a call and tell her I'm having a fucking great time".
=====
"I now pronounce you husband and wife.......... You may update your Facebook status."
=====
My KiK name is hawthy27 so if you can't contact me by Text, Call, What'sapp, IMessage, Facetime, Email, Facebook, Twitter, Skype, MSN, Blackberry Messenger, Morse Code, Smoke Signals, Sign Language, Posted letters or Messenger Pigeon....you can now contact me on KiK but if KiK fails, fuck it and light the beacons Of Gondor.
=====
Surely they can just call it "Zealand" by now.
=====
If size doesn't matter, the why do my girlfriend's dildos look like they're missing a lamp shade.
=====
My Sat Nav kept taking me to gay bars.
It was stuck on Cruise control.
=====
I've had daily sex for as long as I can remember.
Sorry, dyslexia
=====
I live by the moral code that it doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more beer.
=====
My wife tells people, "My son was just another mixed up kid who died in the hood."
He wasn't a gangster though.
He put his cagoule on back to front and suffocated.
=====
Why is it there are 'No bombing' signs at swimming pools but not airports?
=====
I want my last words to be "I'd rather die."
=====
Have you ever noticed how the angle to which somebody wears a baseball cap on their head, in relation to pointing forward, is inversely proportionate to their intelligence?
=====
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Mimes must be the most hateful people on earth then.
=====
SKY News : The Salford Shooter just gave his name as 'Psycho Stapleton' in court.
I move that an extra charge of 'being a total cock' is added to the indictment.
=====
Last night I had such a good wank that when I woke up, my cock was in the kitchen making me breakfast.
=====
Kick racism out of football..........for 8 matches..........on full pay.
=====
During sex you burn as much calories as running for 8 kilometers.
Who the fuck runs 8 kilometers in 30 seconds?
=====
The Korean version of Marley and Me was probably a lot shorter.
=====
What Orchestra instruments do Meerkats play?
Cymbals.
=====
A lady says to her doctor "My husband has a bad habit of talking in his sleep, what should I do?"
"Give him a chance to speak when he's awake."
=====
My sex life is unbelievable.
Whenever I tell people I have a sex life, they don't believe me.
=====
I've just been banned from an online fashion forum.
Apparently my threads weren't cool enough.