I think from this point on, Whitney Houston's family should refrain from taking baths and stick to showers instead.
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The inventor of Trip Advisor has died.
He's gone to a better place.
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BBC News: Jordan has just executed a female suicide bomber.
Personally, I think these Celebrity Big Brother challenges are getting a little bit too extreme.
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> Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist,
> While you were all arguing over the glass of water, I drank it.
> Sincerely, the Opportunist.
Dear Opportunist,
Before you drank the glass of water with that smug grin on your face, I pissed in it.
Sincerely, the Sadist.
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There are 104 keys on a computer keyboard.
And I think I've failed my IT exam.
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My doctor put me into a drug induced coma last month.
He's so irresponsible when we go out clubbing.
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I just did the wages calculator on the BBC Sport website to find out how my earnings com,pare to a footballer.
It showed that it would take Cristiano Ronaldo 38 minutes to earn what I earn in a year, Lionel Messi 33 minutes to earn the same amount and 14 seconds for John Terry to shag my girlfriend if he met her.
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I went bobslieghing last night.
I killed seven bobs.
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The inventor of the red card has died.
He had a good send off.
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At least when he's in prison Gary Glitter will get to do his wide-eyed stare.
Chiefly in the showers.
Twat.
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"Red Lorry, Yellow Lorry, Red Lorry, Yellow Lorry"
A tongue twister, but also Clarke Carlisle's thought process.
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I've just seen the video of Robert Mugabe falling down some steps.
It didn't end well.
He's ok.
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I put all of my wages on a race horse today.
It didn't go as I expected.
The horse just stood in the stable looking very confused.
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Exclusivity is great, but it's not for everyone.
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When I was a boy, my father told me that masturbation was a normal, healthy part of growing up.
Tesco's thought differently though.
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Some religious people claim that atheists are amoral, and morality can only come from believing in God.
You don't see atheists starting wars over which is the one true bugger-all though.
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The inventor of the time machine has died.
His funeral's last week.
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I excitedly watched David Cameron take part in a Hindu ceremony in London on BBC News yesterday.
I was massively disappointed when I realised that the red dot on his forehead wasn't from a sniper after all.
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Nice to see Emile Heskey looking so smart in the Match of the Day studio.
My guess is he was going for casually dressed, and missed.
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Harper Lee has announced that the sequel to her classic novel To Kill A Mockingbird is out soon.
I've put £10 on it being called, To Cook A Mockingbird.
Waterboarding at Guantánamo Bay sounds super fun if you don't know what either of those things are.
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Entertainment Today: Fifty Shades of Grey is set to be the sexiest film ever.
Unless you're Welsh, in which case it's the Shawn the Sheep movie.
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I got kicked out of our local Burns night fancy dress party last week.
I went as Simon Weston.
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"If Cancer has touched you or anyone you know, please show your support"
Did I miss something?
Which 70's BBC show did he host?
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BBC News: Greek PM offers olive branch on debt.
Nice try Alexis, but I don't think that will cover it.
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I got a bill in the post yesterday.
I wasn't bothered until I received the wings, body and feet.
=====
I'm not over the hill.
I'm just can't be bothered to climb it
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I find in my line of work, massages always leads to sex.
I guess that's the perk of working in a morgue.
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I've just completed my 117th OCD awareness course.
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In a massive win for irony, Gary Glitter's conviction this week will result in him taking it up the Gary Glitter.
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Anyone here with one leg?
I have a ton of socks you can have.
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Where's can you have the most fun in the universe?
The Milky Wahey.
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How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thousands if you have any oil.
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It's always a good feeling in winter, the day I leave work and it's still daylight outside.
Except for that year when I got sacked at lunchtime on Christmas Eve.
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For those of you who enjoyed the Superbowl, it may interest you to know that the men's version starts tonight.
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What go German lesbians and German vegeterians have in common. They both fear the wurst.
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You know things are bad when your uncle calls you "son,"
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I've just bought my first American antique.
I love the 1970s.
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BBC News: A Doncaster man has appeared in court after allegedly having sex with a Shetland pony.
How sick, perverted and depraved do you have to be to have sex with a man from Doncaster?
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"...but whatever you do, just make sure you keep them away from water."
"What, Gremlins?"
"No, Whitney Houston's family."
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The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.
As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor and and feeble ones.
Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here."