I was sad to hear that Nelson Mandela died at 95.
Respect where it's due though.
That's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker.
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The Scottish national party have said that if Scotland gets independence it will want the following:
To keep the Pound
To keep the Monarchy
To keep BBC programmes.
That's like divorcing the wife but telling her you'll be home for tea every night and still expect sex.
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The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about.
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I just bought some Frazzles & it's true - they really are just like strips of bacon.
Only fucking eight in a packet.
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When I opened the 2nd door of my advent calendar on Monday I wasn't expecting Tom Daley to come out.
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When I was growing up I used to spend hours taking things apart.
That's when my parents stopped getting me pets.
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'Rocky' is my favourite film character of all time.
I hate Bullwinkle, he can fuck off.
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If 'Jesus Shaves', why does he have a beard in all the paintings?
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After weeks of being nagged , I finally started work on my children's tree-house today.
Now I can rest until the acorn grows.
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Fans of the Fast and Furious franchise are worried the next film won't be the same without Paul Walker.
Movie critics have already confirmed it will be just as shit as the rest of them
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I met this girl last night...we were both so horny....we stumbled into the alley behind the club...our tongues in each others mouths.....my hand pulled up her skirt and I slid my hand inside her knickers.....'you're so fucking wet' I breathed in her ear.
'Not really' she said, 'that's from the last guy,'
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I met a gorgeous woman and we went back to mine.
I held her in my arms for 20 minutes and She thought I was so caring and sensitive.
I'm fine with that.
It was better than her knowing I couldn't unclasp her fucking bra.
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BBC:News Dappy recovering after being kicked in face by a horse.
Even animals think he's an annoying twat who makes shit music!
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My friends all seem to think I'm some kind of pervert, but I wouldn't say so.
In fact the kinkiest thing I've ever done is smear peanut butter on my girlfriend's testicles.
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The landlord has changed the way he gets everybody out. He doesn't ring a bell any more, he plays a tape of an approaching helicopter.
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I was shocked when I heard "Diving sensation Tom Daley, 19, has admitted to being in a relationship with a man".
I thought he was older.
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I went to see a fortune teller today and she looked into her crystal ball and said, "This Christmas you'll be exploited and abused."
"Really?"
"Yes, that'll be 50 quid and then fuck off."
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Pedant's Corner
When a goal is scored in football, commentators say, "The ball's hit the back of the net."
Technically, the ball's hit the front of the net.
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The great thing about Chihuahua's is they're the one dog you can flush when they die.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say.
Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel".
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Talk is that the government are thinking of lowering the age of consent to 15.
Poor fuckers won't even be able to smoke a cigarette afterwards.
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I've never wanted to do anything for charity.
Then I found out how much skydiving costs.
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Why is there no international day of orgasm?
I'd come.
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I bought a brand new Dyson vacuum cleaner after hearing that it was the most powerful vacuum cleaner in its class.
After a frustrating hour of trying to clean my carpets, I realised that it was still under-powered and that a little modification was needed.
Carefully, I stripped down the multi-cyclone components and removed them from the cleaner.
Next, I popped in a Justin Bieber CD and reassembled it.
Now it sucks like a bastard.
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What smokes and has 2 eyes?
Pompeii.
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My neighbour painted BEWARE OF THE DOG on his garden gate yesterday.
So , having had recent experience of being in said garden , I added SHIT.
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Southampton boss Mauricio Pochettino told the press he couldn't say how long Arthur Boruc would be sidelined for.
Probably because he can't speak fucking English.
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"So you're able to carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning.
"Yes." he replied.
"Can you carry mine for me?"
He said, "Sure."
As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I stopped beside my motor and said, "I could've carried it myself but I'm a lazy bastard."
"I gathered that. Here's your KitKat."
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After a night out clubbing my mate complained his buzz was beginning to wear off.
"Mine's the same." I said. "I'm not buying those 'Toy Story' tattoos again.
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1980s: Pacman - a bunch of pale white idiots with no personality and names like Pinky and Binky relentlessly pursue a guy who eats lots of pills and has no personality.
2000s: Made in Chelsea.
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"You must have been alone for quite some time", said my new girlfriend as she was getting naked in front of me.
"How do you know", I asked her.
"Because you just tucked a tenner in my panties."
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I asked my grandad if he could still do a handstand against a wall.
He only lasted about two seconds before unintentionally tea bagging himself.
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BBC News: Schizophrenic jailed for beheading flatmate.
I am sure I am not alone in thinking that jail is not the correct place to be sending this person.
Adding him to the Celebrity Big Brother house will immediately generate understanding and support for the guy if he becomes a repeat offender.
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What's the singular of 'werewolves'?
'I'm a wolf'
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Texter: Who's this are you a boy or a girll?
Me: I'm a girll.
Texter: What's your name?
Me: George Foreman
Texter: I thought you said you were a girl!
Me: I lied, I'm a grill.
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I've been reading about sensory deprivation chambers where you float in water at body temperature in a completely dark, sound-proofed room. The idea is that you are unable to receive any sensory stimulus until someone comes to get you.
Which sounds an awful lot like Slough.
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Everyone hates it when I go for a shit with the door open.
I don't know what their problem is.
I still keep my eyes on the road.
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"That's what I want" she said pointing to a fur coat in a catalogue.
"Well that was easy" I thought tearing out the page and wrapping it up.
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David Beckham has said if a film was made about his life he'd like Brad Pitt to play him.
With Joe Pasquale providing the voice, no doubt.
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Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt.
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Daily Mail online: "Quantity of urine expelled can determine person's state of health."
I must be pretty sick, I've almost filled the kettle.
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When I have a kid, I want to call them George.
It'd save a fortune in labels for his clothes.