Went to the Barbers and asked for a Liverpool FC haircut.
Mess at the back, nothing on the sides and nothing up front.
Then he charged me £130 million.
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I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.
I'm now the main stake holder.
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Whenever my wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear...
"Let's order a pizza."
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My penis is a lot like a hosepipe
It's not going to be used very much this Summer.
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I popped my head in to a cockpit yesterday.
Or, as her fans like to call her, 'Katie Price'
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Moses' diary : God spoke to me today from inside a burning bush.
He said I should be more careful about what kind of mushrooms I eat.
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My best mate is so self concious about the size of his cock he won't even leave the house, ''What if a girl sees it and laughs?'' he says
''Don't be silly.'' I replied, ''Now tuck it into your sock and lets head out!''
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A load of long-haired, overpaid guys crashing to the ground without being touched.
Wrestlemania in the US, The Premier League in the UK.
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If dyslexics see properly arranged words as jumbled and out of order, wouldn't that make them professionals at Countdown ?
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You know you're an addict when you lick your credit card before you stick it in the ATM.
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I've always wanted to go on a rowing holiday.
I've heard the Germans are a bunch of argumentative bastards, so I'm going there.
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My slapper of a sister walked in looking rather happy the other day.
She said, "Oh my god, I've lost 5 pounds!"
"Finally you took off your make-up then."
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Next time you get a call from an unknown number say,
"Hi, Big Daves Sperm Bank. You squeeze it, we freeze it."
I Bet they hang up.
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I tried to overdose with paracetamol last night.
It never worked.
After the first two I felt much better.
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Women are like a Rubik Cube.
They look pretty and fun but they are impossible to figure out.
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I think I scared off my first date in ages last night.
To make conversation I asked, "What's your worst fear?"
She said, "I hate the thought of my parents dying, do you ever think of your parents dying?"
In hindsight "Only when I'm wanking" probably wasn't the best answer.
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I'd already had a few drinks as I nervously waited for a blind girl I was going on a first date with, but then she walked into the pub with her guide dog.
She looked gorgeous.
I got her a drink and as I spent more time with her, she slowly started to rub herself against me.
At the end of the night, after perhaps I'd had too much booze, I tried a move on her.
She seemed to want it as much as me and soon we were in a toilet cubicle having sex.
I might take her out tomorrow, if her owner lets me.
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This young chav turned up for work experience at our site today.
I said "Can you paint that wall for me?"
He replied "I'll have a stab at it."
"Use a fucking paint brush like everyone else!"
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'Imogen Thomas to star in Manchester show, Shameless'.
A run down area full of scummy Mancunian's.
But that's enough about her vagina.
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My parents were always having sex while I was growing up.
When I moved out, to help me fall asleep, I had to play a cassette of a squeaky bed.
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Radio 1 "Chris Brown beats Sean Paul to claim this week's UK number one single."
For fucks sake, wasn't Rihanna not enough?
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The glass is always half full with me.
Which probably makes me the world's shittest barman.
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Two prisoners in their cell:
"And why are you here?"
"Er... The bastards won't let me out."
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I just heard that the new Angry Birds cartoon will explore the "deeper thoughts and feelings of the characters."
I can't wait for Nokia to release a series of short films based on Snake to help explore the issues around eating disorders and obesity.
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"I see people" - The Fifth Sense.
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I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
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Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of whelmed?
Where's the warmest part of a room?
The corner, because its 90 degrees.
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I had a wank under the covers today.
I've been told I'm not allowed at my local cricket club again.
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I was playing a round of golf today.
On the 17th I walked into the long grass and took out my wood.
The green keeper shouted, "What do you think you're doing?"
"Having a piss mate."
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I was given tablets to help me stop being immature.
The packet said "69 tablets for oral use only."
I'm still immature.
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Out of work I decided to call round to my Grans out of boredom.
"So son, how did your exams go?" she asks
Presuming she's went senile I replied laughing , ''Granny, I left school ten years ago!''
''I know!'' She said, ''I just like reminding you how useless you are!''
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Back in my day, the only thing we used to search for porn was local hedges.
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They say a drop of brandy can help if the baby's crying at night.
Did it fuck.
I had to drink the entire bottle before I stopped caring.
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When it comes to Easter I'm a very generous man.
I gave four eggs to the family next door.
All those chav fuckers need to do now is scrape them off their front door.
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'Five killed in California by crazed gunman'.
As Boyband comeback's go , it was still more successful than East 17's.
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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and use the profits to buy an assault rifle.
Then see if life makes the same mistake twice.
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So McDonalds are the official Olympic partner?
Next we'll have Ian Huntley presenting Children in Need.
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While staying over at my girlfriend's house I was watching Tulisa on my laptop in the back room.
Half way through watching I realised that my headphones where disconnected and the volume had been up to full through the whole thing.
I was so embarrassed.
Now she knows I watch the X-Factor.
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"Doctor, my wife has severe pain in her appendix!"
"Nonsense!" says the doctor. "I removed her appendix three years ago. Not a single person in the world has a second appendix."
"That may well be true, but some people have second wives."
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If only I had an iPhone I could take part in this Draw Something craze.
As it is I'm stuck showing strangers my etch-a-sketch.
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I'm not saying Glasgow is rough but I got beaten up in a bar last night and ended up with a nasty gash on my nose.
Their women like to have sex after a good fight.
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James Murdoch has stepped down as the head of BSkyB..
Apparently he couldn't hack it.
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I was in the toilets of a pub, when someone occupied the cubicle next to me and said, "Hey up, you winning in there?"
I answered reluctantly, "Er, yea. I think so fella."
He said, "Don't mind me, I just like to make conversation. Do you come here often?"
"Just when I want a shit."
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I felt too ill to make it to my work at the Samaritans, so I rang in sick and explained I couldn't come in.
They convinced me otherwise.
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My sexy neighbour left her curtains open slightly, and I was watching her masturbate with my telescope.
I couldn't see very well, though.
If only I'd had my telescope.
Bitch
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Asda advert: How would you like £5 off a £40 shop?
Just spend £40 & we will give you a voucher for £5 off your next £40 shop.
Surely that's £5 off an £80 shop?
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I had a good clear out in the attic yesterday.
No toilet paper up there though.
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BREAKING NEWS. JUSTIN BIEBER DEAD!
It might not be true but let's all be honest with each other.
We all got a little feeling of warmth reading that .
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I think my wife is having an affair.
She told me that she only enjoys sex when it's like my DVD of 'Pussy Pounders 2'.
Which is round at my mate's house.
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"On 05/04, we tried to cast out a demon, but you weren't home."
- The Fed Exorcist
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Breasts are proof that men can multi-task.
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I always like to bring a bit of humour to my work as a doctor.
Apparently playing a drum roll before revealing test results is a step too far.
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When the Wife has a bath and a bottle of wine it's "therapy" and "relaxation."
When I have 6 pints in the shower I'm a "raging" and "alcoholic."
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I saw Sarah Jessica Parker and Camilla talking and smoking in London yesterday, so I rang the police.
Turns out it's not a horse pipe ban.
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I hate having a cold.
Women can hear me sniffing their hair on the bus.
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If Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother & Two & A Half Men combined.
The show would be: How I Banged Your Mother with Two & A Half Men.
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A horse walks into a bar and the barman says, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "All horses have long faces, it's a common adaptation found in many creatures evolved for long-distance running in an open-plains environment."
Barman, "You've ruined this joke."
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You think your job sucks?
Just think, someone got up today and assembled dildos with a straight face.
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So there's an Eastenders star up for an acting award?
Surely thats a bit like presenting Whitney Houston with a swimming award.
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I went to the corner shop today.
Fucking hell it was hot in there.