BBC News: Boy is missing from a hospital in Southampton.
First place I'd have looked would have been Anfield.
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The instructions on flatpack furniture should just be a picture of a bloke screaming at the pieces on the floor.
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My psychologist suggested I quit being suicidal and do something positive.
Worst advice ever.
Now I've got Aids.
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BBC News: Erik Weihenmayer, the first blind man to reach the summit of Mount Everest has said the hardest part of his climb was the last two hundred metres.
"Dragging a frozen labrador's a fucking nightmare."
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I've started to wear a balaclava when I go to bed.
That way, if there's ever a break in, the burglars will think I'm part of the team.
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President Obama: We will continue to hunt down I.S. terrorists.
UK Police Chief: We will continue to hunt down parents who take their children for better treatment elsewhere.
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The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies, you'd almost think it was built on thousands of Indian burial grounds.
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I finally stopped caring what other people think.
I hope everyone's OK with that.
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I forgot to take one of my antibiotics today.
Now I'm shitting myself in case Southampton Hospital issues an international arrest warrant for me.
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Tony Blair being "Philanthropist of the Year" is frankly no more ironic than him being Middle East peace envoy.
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Following the huge amount of publicity generated by the celebrity nude photo's leak, Katie Price has changed her password to 1234567.
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Arsenal didn't train today.
Danny Welbeck brought a league winners medal with him and the squad took turns holding it.
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So, Joan Rivers has passed away.
At least she died doing what she loved.
Having surgery performed on her.
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It looks like Noel Edmonds is the only BBC Radio DJ of the 70s and 80s who didn't molest kids.
I always knew there was something strange about that fucker.
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My ex is a huge Bruce Springsteen fan.
She only owns one of his albums, but she weighs 25 stone.
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A woman on Jeremy Kyle yesterday admitted to being jealous of her neighbour's garden.
The burned out car on their front lawn once had a 2 litre engine.
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I don't know what I hated more as a child.
Growing up in a naturist camp, or playing twister with my parents
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Latest from the Skywalker Cup
Obi 1 Kenobi O
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My R.E teacher told me that the Bible was something to draw on in times of sadness.
So I did Jesus with a big willy.
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I saw a bloke picking berries from a bush. "Wouldn't eat those if I was you mate" I said.
"They're blackberries" he replied, while shoving another one in his mouth.
"I know that" I laughed "but my dog just pissed on them."
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"I take a plane to work and back every single day."
"Wow,you must be wealthy."
"Everything but, I'm just a carpenter."
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"10 litres of wine please."
Did you bring a container for this?
"You're speaking to it."
The man who released nude photos of celebrities from the cloud this week is admitting he's on the run.
But apparently he's been given asylum by a shadowy group
known only as "Blokes".
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As I was stood in venue at an AC/DC concert I saw a man walking in with a shotgun.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked him.
"I'm sick of them reading my thoughts, I'm gonna end this once and for all" he replied.
After remembering tragic stories about on stage shootings I realised this man had schizophrenia. If I reasoned with him I could maybe turn this potential tragedy into something good.
"Listen mate, AC/DC aren't stealing your thoughts" I began. "It's Justin Bieber."
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GQ naming Tony Blair as "Philanthropist of the Year" is like giving Jihadi John an award for his work on curing migraines.
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The World Sheepdog Trials begin today.
Is there anything that British police won't get a warrant for?
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I've got an Emo pet whale.
Mopey Dick.
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In light of recent events, Cliff Richard has released a new wine from this Portuguese vine yard.
It's called Pedo Grigio.
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It really pisses me off how much movie franchises lose their originality, the more sequels they make.
I watched Xmen the other day.
Fuck all like The Omen.
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Sometimes I forget how amazing my memory is.
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Breaking News - The inventor of the Anagram has died.
May he "erect a penis".
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BBC News: The Oxford English Dictionary has named 'selfie' the word of the year, narrowly beating out 'twerk'.
In related news, the funeral for the English language will take place this Saturday.
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Not long now until we can invade Scotland, and reclaim our land.
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I like the idea of "nurses being privatised South of the border", but only because it sounds really dirty.
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Various charities are saying the £800 million spent during the transfer window should have been on starving children, not footballers.
Seriously?! How's a starving child going to score a thirty yard screamer?
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Stereotypes.
Those that shun television in favour of music.
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Middle Age.
When you finally get your head together, only to find your body is falling apart
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My ex once put on a lot of weight.
Closest I ever got to a threesome.
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"Being famous, I need to be careful where I store these naked pictures of myself. Where should I keep them?"
"How about on your smartphone?"
"Brilliant!"
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"I see Piers Morgan made himself look a bit of a dick in Liverpool this weekend."
"Why? What did he do?"
"He went to Liverpool."
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Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a drive when they get stopped by the police. The policeman asks Heisenberg, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am! Confused, the officer says "Sir, you were doing 80 mph", and Heisenberg throws his hands in the air and huffs "Great, now I don't know where I am anymore."
The policeman thinks something is going on, and orders the pair out of the car so that he can search it for contraband. He looks under the seats, in the glove compartment, in the back, and then walks around the car and opens the boot.
He stares into it for a moment, turns to Schrodinger and says "Sir, did you know there's a dead cat in here."
Schrodinger rolls his eyes and snorts "Yeah, I do now!"