I told my boss I was handing in my gun and badge today.
"Fucking hell" he said. "You're only a security guard, why the hell have you got a gun?"
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Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless you're fat.
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Bob, the cleaner in our office won the employee of the month award last night.
We all stayed behind and had a massive party to celebrate and then went on to a nightclub in town.
It was a great night. Bob would have really enjoyed it if he didn't have to stay behind and tidy up.
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My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.
"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.
"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."
"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"
And that was all the invitation I needed.
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"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for an easy way to make money, I can tell you I haven't got it. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let this go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
"But, Mr Neeson, our records show that you are entitled to £2600 in PPI claims."
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My mum caught me on Pornhub this morning.
Serves her right for watching filthy home made porn.
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A Pakistani government minister has offered a $100,000 reward for the death of the maker of Innocence of Muslims.
Just wait until he sees Deal or No Deal.
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Optimist: The glass is half-full.
Pessimist: The glass is half-empty.
Pragmatist: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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The good thing about being dyslexic is if you don't like S&M you can take it back for a refund.
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My mate walked up to a blind man the other day.
"I think your dog could do with a bath."
"But I don't have a dog."
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I kept discovering new rooms in my house.
Then the Doctor said I had Dementia.
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I was licking out my girlfriends arse crack last night when she moaned, "Oh yes, that's it right there, just there"
"You like that baby?" I groaned
"Not really," she replied, "but you've just dislodged a bit of sweetcorn that was stuck up there."
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My girlfriend left me because most of my boxers are covered with skid marks.
I should probably stop buying my underwear from Oxfam.
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I was travelling to work this morning when an old lady came up to me and said, "Do you mind if I sit there? My legs are tired."
"Not at all," I replied, helping her onto the seat.
After 5 minutes I looked at her and said, "How long will you be sitting there for?"
"Until I need to get off," she replied.
"Well you need to get off now," I said, "I'm running late and I've still got to ride this bike another 3 miles."
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You have to hand it to apple....
They added an inch to the screen and still win the award for the hardest game of spot the difference'
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I took my clothes off and said to the girl, "check out the size on this."
"What a show-off," she replied
"Fucking right. There aren't many people blessed with a Samsung Galaxy S3," I said, while trying to hide my cock with it.
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Andrew Mitchell, 13/09/12, "The policeman who opened the gate is a pleb"
Daily Mirror, "At last, a politician who speaks the truth and puts an end to the establishment cover up over Hillsborough"
Andrew Mitchell, 20/09/12, "The policeman who opened the gate is a pleb"
Daily Mirror, "Outrageous, he should resign for insulting our beloved police service"
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Apparently Steve Jobs was in a band during college but he was thrown out because all he contributed was different versions of the same song.
So.. your changing your iPhone 4 just for a few more centimetres??
Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same.
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My new phone works brilliantly except for when I go to Paris, where it always crashes.
It's a diPhone.
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I went into a barber's, sat down in the chair and the woman said, "How do you want me to cut your hair?"
I said, "Like Liam Gallagher, please."
So she put on a parka and sang Wonderwall.
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BBC News: An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.
It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Margate has written in to Points of view.
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Last night I tried some role play with my girlfriend.
She was the teacher and I was the naughty school boy that needed punishing.
I think she took it a little far when she got my parents involved.
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If anyone's wondering how the future of humanity is going,
my 3 year old son can unlock my fucking iPhone but still can't figure out what a spoon is for.
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So there is a problem with the iPhone 5's mapping service. I didn't think iPhone users needed maps.
I assumed they just blindly follow everyone else.
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"Can you quit talking about sex for a change?" said my girlfriend.
"Sure" I said "Lets talk about cars then."
"Well even cars are fine by me if we have to" she said.
"Ok cool" I said "Have you ever fucked in a Ford Mondeo?"
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When someone yells stop, I don't know if it's in the name of love, it's hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
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On the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.
I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete fucking twats.
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The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.
The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.
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I said to a girl, "If you come back to my house and have sex with me tonight, I can guarantee an amazing orgasm within 40 seconds."
"What makes you so confident that you'll do that?" she asked.
"I suffer with premature ejaculation."
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My boss asked me to stencil out numbers 1 to 10 in the car parking spaces.
When he came out he asked, "Why is there a number 2 between the 5 and 6?"
"Sorry, I was desperate and there was someone in the toilet."
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Jimmy Savile statue torn down at Glasgow Leisure Centre after rape allegations.
Fulham FC owner Mohammed Al Fayed is having it put up outside Craven Cottage.
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We had a team building competition at work.
And I won!
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My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
.
.
.
.
But I laugh more.
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My boss called me into his office this morning and said, "I can't believe how late you are today, don't tell me, you're going to blame it on the bus again?"
"Yes." I replied.
"I told you yesterday to get on the one that comes before it!" he shouted.
"I did, but that bus had a different number on the front and took me to the wrong fucking town."
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If I was an evil wizard my horcrux would be an artificial heart in a sick child.
Your move Harry.
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I was waiting in the que at my bank the other day when I saw my friend come in.
He asked how I was, so I told him I wasn't doing so good cos my girlfriend had just dumped me cos I kept trying anal with her. "don't be too disheartened" he told me "I have a plan that will guarantee that your next girlfriend will love a bit of anal".
That sounds great, I said, what have I got to do?
At which point he pulled 2 guns out of his coat, handed one to me and screamed. "EVERYONE HIT THE DECK. THIS IS A ROBBERY.
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When I was only five I ran with a gang.
Unfortunately it was Gary Glitters gang, and I still have trouble shitting.