My new blow up doll is so realistic.
It texted me this morning and told me it just wants to be friends.
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I'm not the guy a woman meets in a club and shags in the bathroom.
I'm the guy in the stall next to him, trying to have a shit.
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When one door closes, another one opens.
I fucking hate my OCD.
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The minute the great man dies, cryogenics should be employed until a cure is found for old age and his chest problems.
Freeeeze Nelson Mandela!
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I've watched so much porn that my internet pages are starting to stick together.
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My blind date asked me if there was anything she should know about me:
"Well, to be honest, I'm a bit over sensitive" I told her.
"Don't worry" she said, stroking my arm, "that's not a problem."
"I'm glad you think so, pass me a tissue please."
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My wife was very pleased when I mastered mind control.
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"Have you met the young lesbian couple who've moved in next door?", I asked my wife.
"No, have you?", she replied.
"Yeah, I popped round to borrow some sugar" I said.
"When?"
"Three times this morning and twice this afternoon"
"So far."
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Cops (noun) - People who are given permission to break the law in order to catch people who break the law.
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I went home with a girl last night and just as things were getting steamy she stopped and said, "Before we do this, there's something you should know"
"What is it?", I said,
"Well ... I'm married"
I said, "Er ... oh right ... and is he OK with this?"
She said, "Judging by the size of the knife he's holding ... I would say no"
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"Daddy, what are little girls made of?"
"Same as little boys sweetheart, spunk and an egg."
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Here's the weather forecast for Hip Hop City.
Cloudy with a Lil Wayne.
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I now have enough money to pay for a month long cruise in the Bahamas.
Now to work out how to get out of this fucking vault before morning.
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I've decided to take the law into my own hands and have just beaten to death the some sick bastard.
Can you believe someone would actually advertise the fact that they groom dogs.
Fucking perverts.
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For decades the conspiracy theory has been that America did not land on the Moon.
Well, they must have just look at all those bomb craters on it's suface.
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If I had the chance to switch bodies with one person for a day it would have to be Mandingo.
Not because I want to experience having a huge cock, I just want to see the look on his face when he sees how small my dick is.
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I said to my wife, "Where have you been?"
"At my Mother's sitting her lovely garden. She's got green fingers."
"Why, has she been fingering herself again?"
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God it was hot last night.
I was so sticky.
Mind you I should have stopped my cellmate wanking all over me again.
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Oscar Wilde once said: To love oneself is a life long relationship.
Fuck knows what he was on aboout. I tried it last night, but mine only lasted 2 minutes.
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Just caught my cat licking a slug behind the shed.
I know he's Ginger, but surely he can do better than that.
Behind every great man there lies a great woman.
And one in front of him as well if he's lucky.
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I told my son that if anybody ever tries to take his lunch money at school then he should headbutt them.
He was sent home today for breaking the dinner lady's nose.
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I'm a proud, upstanding member of the 'double entendre appreciation society'.
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I have just made my very first porn movie and must say I even impressed myself as it is 58 minutes long.
Mind you it took me 57 minutes to fix the fucking leaking tap.
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I was walking my dog in the park when this grumpy old bastard shouted,"Oi son,I've just treaded in your dog's shit!"
"That's not my dog's shit" I said.
"Ok then" he said,"Sorry about that."
"It's mine"
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I've watched every day of Wimbledon so far.
Still not seen a Womble.
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"Dad, I would like you to meet my boyfriend , Paul."
"Oh dear, I think your mother will be very disappointed. You can do much better than this."
"Dad, that is outrageous and very rude."
"I wasn't talking to you."
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Despite having OCD, I don't let it stop me enjoying my life.
I'll try anything twice.
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Honestly, only America could have a day off to celebrate a film.
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I saw a woman walking down the street shouting today.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"No, I've lost my dog." she replied, "He answers to Ben."
"Perhaps you should get Ben to look for him then."
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My girlfriend was putting her hair into a French plait earlier.
It looks quite attractive, but if I'm honest, I'd prefer it if she just plucked her nipples.
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I've spent days studying the periodic table and I still can't find the element of surprise.
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I started up a business selling drawing boards, but it didn't work out.
So I started selling drawing boards again.
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A guy walks into a sex shop to return a dildo. "Excuse me, I don't think this is going to be any use to me."
"Why, not?" Said the assistant. "did you put it where you would normally put your penis?"
"Yes." He replied, "and now my dog has fucked off and won't come back."
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Question everything.
Except this, the whole premise sort of falls apart if you do that.
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Give me an M!
Give me a U!
Give me an R!
Give me another R!
Give me an A!
Give me a Y!
What does that spell?
A disappointment waiting to happen.
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I don't know why people buy night vision goggles.
Who wants to go swimming in the dark?
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I think it's safe to assume which one of Ant & Dec eats all the food at picnics.
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I threw a stick into the woods and my dog came back out with a human arm.
I'm just glad I didn't throw a ball.
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My wife says she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober.
Fucking hell, I got married?
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Just arrived for Glastonbury.
I seem to have avoided the rush.
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I bought a wireless mouse the other day.
Fucking useless, I can't get any stations on it.