She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Seems like a misguided business venture to me.
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I'm concerned.
U2 just announced a world tour. Are they going to sell tickets, or just break into my living room and start playing?
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I bought a new snapping turtle today.
I'm going to be more careful with this one.
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My girlfriend said that I'm boring, dull and I never do anything extreme.
I wiped the smug look off her face as I sprayed myself with deodorant from less than 15cm away.
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How did Scrooge win the football match?
The ghost of Christmas passed.
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My ex looks exactly like a Bond girl.
Judi Dench.
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A voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that the doctor's fucked up my mouth surgery.
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I hope that it turns out I'm an optimist.
=====
I was kicked out of an aerobics class earlier.
It's not my fault that I can't get this fucking one man band outfit off.
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I'm finding it very difficult to write a school essay about my pet stick insect.
He keeps trying to shag my pencil.
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"I think there's something wrong with my testicles Doctor."
"OK, let me have a look."
"Shit, I left them in the car."
=====
Porn is so unrealistic.
I just took a shower with my girlfriend & stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos.
=====
I once took a ski away from an Eskimo.
Then he dressed in black, got really depressed, and started cutting himself.
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"Why the fuck am I a telephone?"
"Whatever you do, don't answer him."
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'I'm looking for a book on lack of empathy'
'Do I look like I give a fuck?'
"Yes, that's the one'
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The guy who invented Twister died this week.
Fitting him into the coffin took 27 spins.
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World: We're gonna use the scale where 0° is freezing and 100° is boiling.
America: Cool, we're gonna use the one that doesn't make sense.
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"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Kim Kardashian."
"Kim Kardashian who?"
"Exactly."
=====
People are criticizing Peter Andre for his appearances in those Iceland adverts, but I think they're wrong.
They should be criticizing him for being a pointless fucking arsehole.
=====
Bungee jumping is just practice for people who want to commit suicide.
=====
I bought a pair of Skis today.
One was strawberry flavoured, the other was peach and apricot.
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"It wasn't me sir, it was him" he protested.
"I watched you hit him, it's your fault."
"But sir, he hit my nape, scratched my vertebrae and kicked my lumbar."
"Enough! I've made my decision. I'll have no more of your back-chat."
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Bono once sang, "Tonight thank God it's them instead of you."
I still feel sorry for ipad owners though.
=====
My girlfriend thinks it's seductive to bite her lip.
I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
Anyone else wondered what the fuck was the conversation about that led to the first circumcision?
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BBC Sports News: The FA are set to ban Balotelli for 10 matches for his racist Instagram message
Liverpool declined to comment but the other 19 clubs are preparing to appeal the ban
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At Christmas time I have "Fairy-tale of New York" as my mobile ringtone, I love the song so much.
Once it starts I can't stop singing along.
On the down-side, I have 62 missed calls.
=====
I just got a big stocking for Christmas.
It's going to take quite a while to stiffen that fucker up.
=====
I'm so unlucky.
When I was playing air guitar, I broke a string.
=====
Mario Balotelli's goal was to be anti-racist.
Another goal he's missed.
=====
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
=====
A woman got her nipple pierced at the pub last night.
I'm not very good at darts.
=====
What do ISIS want for Christmas?
Turkey apparently.
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"As you know we are trimming staff, I want you to give me three reasons why I should keep you. "
"Well I'm a good worker. "
"Yes, but there are better workers. "
"I'm reliable, "
"Yes, but there are staff who will work for nothing should I ask, come on, give me that killer reason that will ensure I keep you on. "
"I've hacked and saved your browsing history. "
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Only weeks after declaring the Christmas special will be her last show, Miranda has called time on doing stand up, saying she doesn't enjoy it.
I'm definitely buying a lottery ticket this week!
=====
What's the difference between a balloon and a terrorist?
A balloon can't blow itself up.
=====
If you type "Tilt" into Google the page tilts.
I've been typing "pay your taxes" for the last fucking hour.
Nothing.
=====
Prince Harry has confessed his deepest fear is public speaking.
What a liar.
I reckon it's Kate and William's unborn baby being born with ginger hair.
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I was massively disappointed by Cyber Monday.It turns out it's not about having on-line sex after all.
Guess I'll have to hold out till Palm Sunday now.
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2008 - U2 want people to stop downloading their music for free. New measures are proposed to prevent it.
2014 - People want U2 to stop giving away their music for free. New measures are proposed to prevent it.
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I remember telling anyone who'd listen, after seeing Paul Gascoigne at the age of 15, that he'd never make it
I was always a pretty shrewd judge of those in my Alcoholics Anonymous group.
=====
For every action, there is a social media overreaction.
=====
I used to be in a band called "Erectile Dysfunction".
We never made it big.
=====
"As you grow older, you become forgetful." My son said to me today.
"Who told you that?" I laughed.
"You."
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I don't see why people are criticizing Save The Children's decision to give Tony Blair an award.
After all, he did generate a lot of work for them.
=====
BBC News: A man has been sentenced to 13 years imprisonment for punching a four year old girl in the intestines.
"It was worth it", said a triumphant Audley Harrison.
=====
Thanks goodness Neo didn't take the blue pill in The Matrix.
He would've woken up next to Bill Cosby.
=====
I was in a band called, Instant Mashed Potato.
We had one Smash hit.
=====
First, Phillip Hughes tragically died after being hit by a cricket ball, now four days later Israeli cricket umpire, Hillel Oscar, dies after being hit by one.
Does Piers Morgan play?