My partner has a husky voice.
Probably because she's a husky.
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Seeing as President Obama has three years left for his presidency I can't understand why he's so insistent on a Korea change.
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It's true what they say that you can't polish a turd.
What they don't say is that you should never use that brush on your shoes.
Ever again.
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I had a much better Good Friday than Jesus did.
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Just tried a Harlem wank in the park.
Nobody joined in but there was a lot of screaming.
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Easter is great, it's the only time of year when shouting 'Your Egg Hunt' is allowed in public.
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I walked up to a gorgeous blonde in a club, "Would you like me to show you what an incredible orgasm is like?"
"Oh yes please!", she giggled.
"Excellent", I said as I started wanking.
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I've been watching so much porn lately, I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in.
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The man who invented Velcro has died.
RIP.
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Just watched a Movie called, "No satellite signal is being received".
Boring is not the word.
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You know when you get that urge to eat something just because its there?
Thats why i'm no longer a gynaecologist.
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I'm auditioning for a part in a Japanese porn film next week.
To save them the bother I've already had a load of pixels tattooed on to my cock.
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I had a one night stand with a contortionist last month.
She knocked on my door this morning claiming to be pregnant.
"It can't be mine," I said, "I specifically remember ejaculating in your mouth."
"I know you did," she said, "But I specifically remember finishing myself off when you went to the bathroom."
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I couldn't make up my mind whether I'm a tit or a leg man.
Then I realised I'm just an overall pervert who lacks commitment to one thing.
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A fit blonde walked over to me in a club last night, "What do you do for a living?" she asked.
"Accounting specialist," I said.
"Wow!" she replied, "What can you go up to?"
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I must be one ugly fucker.
I asked a leukaemia sufferer out on a date last night and she said she was washing her hair.
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Paulo Di Canio has vowed "Sunderland will conquer Europe".
Starting with Poland first one presumes.
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"I can see for miles."
Said Miles's guide dog.
Quite unexpectedly.
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I'm so tired even the sheep I'm counting can't make it over the fucking fence.
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Apparently the idea of the judges turning their back on the action in the voice was developed at the BBC in the Seventies, by producers visiting Jimmy Savile's dressing room.
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My ex is such a slut, when she took a picture of herself on my laptop it became infected with a virus.
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Jokes about time travel are so next year.
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I've just been accused of being 'a plagiarist.'
Their words, not mine.
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BBC News: Queen's funding to rise by £5m under new Sovereign Grant.
I'm assuming she will lose most of that to the bedroom tax.
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Ian Duncan Smith has called an online petition to make him live up to his boast of being able to live on £53 a week a "complete stunt."
Which is very similar to what many people call him.
Pain is the part of the tattoo process that makes you appreciate them more.
I love mine.
Even though it tore off some ball hair when I peeled off the paper.
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I've had sex with 100's of women in my life and never even had to take their feelings into consideration.
That's the beauty of necrophilia.
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What's brown and smells of pine?
Rolf Harris's knob in a Radox bath.
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My girlfriend's so posh, when she gets drunk she gets her carafes out for strangers.
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I recently spoke to a woman who is looking for a new relationship. She said her ideal man would be kind, caring, compasionate and be able to connect with her on an emotional level.
So basically a woman.
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"I don't have to worry about my cat having kittens anymore", I said to my girfriend, "She's been spaded."
"You mean spayed", she replied.
"No", I said, "I caught her shitting in my shed."
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"I see you've woken up on the wrong side of the bed", said my wife.
"Shut up, and get this fucking mattress off me."
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Doctors have said that men who are balding are at a higher risk of getting cancer.
Time to go for a screening then Clare.
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When I was younger a priest told me that God watches me when I masturbate.
I've just been and seen Operation Yew Tree about that.
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Wife said last night "You treat our sex life like some kind of game!"
She was even unhapier when I informed her that had cost her 12 blow job points and a cunnilingus bonus chance.
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Certain memories always stay with you as you're growing up; your first kiss, losing your virginity, seeing another man naked...
Unfortunately for me, they all happened at the same time.
Thanks Uncle Rolf.
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I'm not saying my ex is fat.
But the rare times she walks anywhere, Morgan Freeman narrates.
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All women are mermaids.
If we go by smell alone.
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I've Just read "Heidi Klum saves her son from drowning".
Ironic considering his dad is Seal.
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I was constipated for weeks until I swallowed a watch.
Now I'm shitting like clockwork.
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If Kim Jong-Un wants to nuke someone, can I suggest he starts with his hairdresser.
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The first rule of Anagram Club is mug Alan Crab.
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Two sailors are at a bukkake party.
One asks the other, "Why is there a girl pretending to be a biscuit?"
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All these different sexualities confuse me.
As I understand it, transvestites are the ones that grow down from the ceiling and transsexuals are the ones that come up from the floor.
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I'm a huge underachiever.
My bucket list begins with 'buy bucket'
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Just saw Mick Philpott on Jeremy Kyle repeat and I have to say that he is the most disgusting piece of shit excuse for a human being I've ever seen.
Mick Philpott's just as bad.
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"Do you fancy trying anal tonight?" My girlfriend asked.
"Only if you take off that fucking strap-on."
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Sky News: President Obama states "We Americans are not worried by the threats that North Korea have made. And we don't take them seriously at all"
From a bunker somewhere in Europe.