My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of matches,his little face lit up when he tried to walk.
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
=====
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did.....she's 21 and her name's Lucy
=====
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
=====
I'm sick of the trick or treaters, so I'm turning the lights out and pretending I'm not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.
=====
I was blessed with a giant penis.
Looking back though, I think the priest took advantage of me.
=====
Israeli man dies from poisoned meal.
Police suspect it was a hummus side.
=====
I have a sign on my home that reads "If the house is a-rocking, don't come a-knocking".
Which, since I live alone on a barge, basically means fuck off.
=====
Shares in JJB Sport up 3% due to an increase in track suit sales, as everybody rushes to buy Jimmy Savile
Halloween costumes.
=====
The recession isn't so bad.
Afterall, it did finally end the MFI Sale.
=====
It's good to see that Piers Morgan's Life Stories is back on TV, because some people had begun forgetting what a complete twat he is.
=====
David Cameron is making a speech in Edinburgh when suddenly a man raises a rifle and shoots three times from only 10 yards away, but misses.
Security personnel and police chase the man across town and eventually capture him. On interrogation at a local police station, he states his profession as marksman'.
"Just a moment," says the interrogating officer. "You miss the Prime Minister three times from 10 yards away and now you try to tell us you're a marksman?"
"Well, I am a marksman," says the potential assassin, "but you try standing there with a rifle and dozens of people shoving you, all yelling 'Shoot! For fuck's sake shoot!'"
=====
Have you ever done that thing when you outlast the guy in the porn video your watching?
Me neither.
=====
What's 6" long and won't be getting sucked tonight?
Jimmy Savile's cigar!
=====
Syria's president Assad has warned Western Powers not to interfere with his country.
Just wait untill Western goes back to the 1960's and fetches his brother Austin.
=====
Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
And eyes and ears and mouth and nose.
Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
A fun children's song, and also the ingredients of a Big Mac.
=====
BBC News: 17 are Killed as a Suicide Bomb Hits a US Bus in Afghanistan.
I can't help but think that the bus driver must have been seriously lost.
=====
Psychology - even the spelling fucks with your head.
=====
A man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't like your tie-pin here."
=====
Just bought some emo bread.
Slices itself.
=====
Justin Bieber: "Judge me on my music, not malicious rumours!"
You're not exactly helping yourself there, Justin.
=====
What's the hardest part of telling your son he's adopted?
For me it was learning Chinese.
=====
The wife's been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas so I've got her a pair of football boots.
=====
Steve Kean was out scaring Blackburn fans on Halloween.
He was dressed as a contract extension.
=====
I got a young blonde back to my place last night.
As we stripped off climbing into the bed, she turned to me with innocence in her eyes.
"Its my first time," she sighed. "I'm not entirely sure how to have sex."
"I see!" I smiled, eyes wide. "Well, your arse may hurt a little in the morning."
=====
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
=====
6:31pm. My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Big Brother.
=====
What do you call a dead prostitute?
Free.
=====
My wife said for Christmas this year she would like something a bit "risque".
Driving lessons it is.
=====
Long blonde hair, and too much makeup.
Very short skirt.
Fishnet stockings and high heels.
Tight skimpy top.
Pissed, and walking through the park, late at night.
Yup, if all this doesn't get me laid, nothing will.
=====
Why are the roundabouts in Liverpool so wide?
So the screwdriver doesn't fall out of the ignition.
=====
I thought my wife was trying to be funny by writing 'oxoxoxoxo' at the end of her texts.
So I started writing 'bistobistobisto' at the end of mine.
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
=====
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did.....she's 21 and her name's Lucy
=====
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
=====
I'm sick of the trick or treaters, so I'm turning the lights out and pretending I'm not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.
=====
I was blessed with a giant penis.
Looking back though, I think the priest took advantage of me.
=====
Israeli man dies from poisoned meal.
Police suspect it was a hummus side.
=====
I have a sign on my home that reads "If the house is a-rocking, don't come a-knocking".
Which, since I live alone on a barge, basically means fuck off.
=====
Shares in JJB Sport up 3% due to an increase in track suit sales, as everybody rushes to buy Jimmy Savile
Halloween costumes.
=====
The recession isn't so bad.
Afterall, it did finally end the MFI Sale.
=====
It's good to see that Piers Morgan's Life Stories is back on TV, because some people had begun forgetting what a complete twat he is.
=====
David Cameron is making a speech in Edinburgh when suddenly a man raises a rifle and shoots three times from only 10 yards away, but misses.
Security personnel and police chase the man across town and eventually capture him. On interrogation at a local police station, he states his profession as marksman'.
"Just a moment," says the interrogating officer. "You miss the Prime Minister three times from 10 yards away and now you try to tell us you're a marksman?"
"Well, I am a marksman," says the potential assassin, "but you try standing there with a rifle and dozens of people shoving you, all yelling 'Shoot! For fuck's sake shoot!'"
=====
Have you ever done that thing when you outlast the guy in the porn video your watching?
Me neither.
=====
What's 6" long and won't be getting sucked tonight?
Jimmy Savile's cigar!
=====
Syria's president Assad has warned Western Powers not to interfere with his country.
Just wait untill Western goes back to the 1960's and fetches his brother Austin.
=====
Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
And eyes and ears and mouth and nose.
Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
A fun children's song, and also the ingredients of a Big Mac.
=====
BBC News: 17 are Killed as a Suicide Bomb Hits a US Bus in Afghanistan.
I can't help but think that the bus driver must have been seriously lost.
=====
Psychology - even the spelling fucks with your head.
=====
A man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't like your tie-pin here."
=====
Just bought some emo bread.
Slices itself.
=====
Justin Bieber: "Judge me on my music, not malicious rumours!"
You're not exactly helping yourself there, Justin.
=====
What's the hardest part of telling your son he's adopted?
For me it was learning Chinese.
=====
The wife's been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas so I've got her a pair of football boots.
=====
Steve Kean was out scaring Blackburn fans on Halloween.
He was dressed as a contract extension.
=====
I got a young blonde back to my place last night.
As we stripped off climbing into the bed, she turned to me with innocence in her eyes.
"Its my first time," she sighed. "I'm not entirely sure how to have sex."
"I see!" I smiled, eyes wide. "Well, your arse may hurt a little in the morning."
=====
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
=====
6:31pm. My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Big Brother.
=====
What do you call a dead prostitute?
Free.
=====
My wife said for Christmas this year she would like something a bit "risque".
Driving lessons it is.
=====
Long blonde hair, and too much makeup.
Very short skirt.
Fishnet stockings and high heels.
Tight skimpy top.
Pissed, and walking through the park, late at night.
Yup, if all this doesn't get me laid, nothing will.
=====
Why are the roundabouts in Liverpool so wide?
So the screwdriver doesn't fall out of the ignition.
=====
I thought my wife was trying to be funny by writing 'oxoxoxoxo' at the end of her texts.
So I started writing 'bistobistobisto' at the end of mine.
My pretentious new girlfriend took me down to her film club last night.
I think I was a little out of my depth.
They were all juxtaposition this and narrative that and how they adore the use of subtext.
Then I was asked, "And do you have a favourite indie film?"
"Err, Temple of Doom?"
=====
Took this bird out last night and she ordered the most expensive items on the menu. I said, ''Does your mother feed you like that at home?''
She replied, ''No, but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight!''
''Good point, enjoy your meal.''
=====
Dr. Dre doesn't have a doctorate; Professor Green isn't actually a professor.
But I get arrested for not being a real supply teacher.
=====
All of my previous girlfriends have been superstitious.
Touch wood the next one isn't.
=====
"It's not you, it's me."
I hate sorting photos with my twin brother.
=====
The wife was wanking me off on the sofa last night, when I told her to stop.
"What's up babe?" she asked.
"Nothing love,I just want to go and put something sexy on upstairs to finish off" I said.
"Oooh, you kinky sod, what have you got in mind?" she smiled.
"I'm not sure yet,but probably Babestation" I replied.
=====
"Good morning, Direct Line Insurance, can I help you?"
"Yes, I read somewhere that my policy covers me for in-car entertainment?"
"Absolutely sir. What is the problem?"
"Dead prostitute."
=====
What's that coming over the hill?
Is it a monster?
No... It's a horny geologist.
=====
The Pakistan team have issued a statement expressing their shock at the involvement of three Pakistani players in match fixing and promised to clean up their act before the 2-1 series defeat to the West Indies next year.
=====
So Sweden has finally finished putting their case together against Assange.
They've had to make wure that all the O's were crossed and all the U's were dotted.
=====
I walked in on my wife having her tits fondled by a male chemotherapist.
So I gave him a taste of his own medicine.
He's bald now.
=====
"False information" spelled backwards is "False information"
=====
Feminism : Sexism for women
=====
Our cat died today, I assume it was old age.
It shat all over the place, coughed up a huge fur ball & was suddenly hit by a falling hammer.
=====
My date rang me earlier from the restaurant.
"Where are you?" She whispered. "You went to the toilet an hour ago!"
"You're a gorgeous girl and I really like you," I replied. "But that champagne was 60 pound a bottle."
=====
"So, what are you in here for?"
"Well, I robbed a bank and killed three people in the process, low blowing two of them with chainsaws.What are you in here for?"
"Ummm...bowling a no ball."
=====
Somebody told me that Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
Maybe it's because they don't like complete strangers knocking on their door.
=====
I've just wasted a fortune on fireworks.....misread the headline "Justin Bieber Dad".
=====
As we were driving down the road, my son said excitedly,
"Wow! Dad! Look! It's one of those cars with the hydraulics like in the rap videos!",
"Is there a woman driving it?"
"Yes" he said,
"Probably just the kerb son".
=====
Just had a soapy tit wank in the bath.
I really should lose this weight and get a girl to do it for me though.
=====
Chelsea fans have been condemned for chanting at the last match "Anton Ferdinand you know what you are",but they were only stating the obvious.
He's shit.
=====
What do we want?
To be precise!
When do we want it?
Half past seven, tomorrow night at Grimsby Tesco car park. Wear a red jumper and some jeans. Bring a packed lunch because there's going to be some team building exercises.
=====
After claims Justin Bieber had fathered a child, his management said, "While we haven't yet seen the lawsuit, it's sad that someone would fabricate malicious, defamatory and demonstrably false claims."We will vigorously pursue all available legal remedies to defend and protect Justin against these allegations."
A lot of unnecessary words when all they had to say was, "You all know he loves cock."
=====
I always wear noise canceling headphones when I masturbate.
It sounds ridiculous, but I got tired of hearing people yell at me on the bus.
=====
I've reset my controller configuration for Michael Owen on FIFA 12:
A: Injure hamstring.
B: Injure hamstring.
X: Gaze at pitch from bench.
Y: Injure hamstring.
=====
Got my own back today!
Had to paint some lines for the car park at the toaster factory.
Made them all just a little bit to small to fit a car in.
=====
As we surpass 7 billion people on the planet, the challenge to find Wally is becoming all the more difficult.
=====
What do you get if you cross a cake with a Hi-Fi?
A gateau blaster.
=====
Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for som red hot phone sex.
"Tell me you are wearing no knickers" I said
"Actually, I'm not", she replied.
"OOOOOOOhhhhhhh, you mucky little minx, what are you doing" I asked provocativly.
"Having a crap" wasnt really the answer I was looking for.
=====
I don't believe in signs anymore. Just today I saw one which read ' WOMEN', but after opening the door all that I found inside was a fucking toilet.
=====
My wifes made a right mess of the garden.
But at least I know the woodchippers working properly.
=====
I was in the pub last night and this massive thug, all tattoos and shaved head, came crashing in looking for a fight.
He stood on a table in the middle and shouted "Everyone on the left side of the room is a wanker!
Who wants to argue?"
No-one moved, everybody just stared at their pint, hoping not to catch his eye.
Then he shouted "Everyone on the right side of the room is a poofter! Anyone disagree?"
For a minute, no-one moved, then a little old man stood up.
The thug glared at him and shouted "You! You looking for trouble?"
And the old man said "No. Not at all. But I think I'm sitting on the wrong side."
I think I was a little out of my depth.
They were all juxtaposition this and narrative that and how they adore the use of subtext.
Then I was asked, "And do you have a favourite indie film?"
"Err, Temple of Doom?"
=====
Took this bird out last night and she ordered the most expensive items on the menu. I said, ''Does your mother feed you like that at home?''
She replied, ''No, but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight!''
''Good point, enjoy your meal.''
=====
Dr. Dre doesn't have a doctorate; Professor Green isn't actually a professor.
But I get arrested for not being a real supply teacher.
=====
All of my previous girlfriends have been superstitious.
Touch wood the next one isn't.
=====
"It's not you, it's me."
I hate sorting photos with my twin brother.
=====
The wife was wanking me off on the sofa last night, when I told her to stop.
"What's up babe?" she asked.
"Nothing love,I just want to go and put something sexy on upstairs to finish off" I said.
"Oooh, you kinky sod, what have you got in mind?" she smiled.
"I'm not sure yet,but probably Babestation" I replied.
=====
"Good morning, Direct Line Insurance, can I help you?"
"Yes, I read somewhere that my policy covers me for in-car entertainment?"
"Absolutely sir. What is the problem?"
"Dead prostitute."
=====
What's that coming over the hill?
Is it a monster?
No... It's a horny geologist.
=====
The Pakistan team have issued a statement expressing their shock at the involvement of three Pakistani players in match fixing and promised to clean up their act before the 2-1 series defeat to the West Indies next year.
=====
So Sweden has finally finished putting their case together against Assange.
They've had to make wure that all the O's were crossed and all the U's were dotted.
=====
I walked in on my wife having her tits fondled by a male chemotherapist.
So I gave him a taste of his own medicine.
He's bald now.
=====
"False information" spelled backwards is "False information"
=====
Feminism : Sexism for women
=====
Our cat died today, I assume it was old age.
It shat all over the place, coughed up a huge fur ball & was suddenly hit by a falling hammer.
=====
My date rang me earlier from the restaurant.
"Where are you?" She whispered. "You went to the toilet an hour ago!"
"You're a gorgeous girl and I really like you," I replied. "But that champagne was 60 pound a bottle."
=====
"So, what are you in here for?"
"Well, I robbed a bank and killed three people in the process, low blowing two of them with chainsaws.What are you in here for?"
"Ummm...bowling a no ball."
=====
Somebody told me that Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
Maybe it's because they don't like complete strangers knocking on their door.
=====
I've just wasted a fortune on fireworks.....misread the headline "Justin Bieber Dad".
=====
As we were driving down the road, my son said excitedly,
"Wow! Dad! Look! It's one of those cars with the hydraulics like in the rap videos!",
"Is there a woman driving it?"
"Yes" he said,
"Probably just the kerb son".
=====
Just had a soapy tit wank in the bath.
I really should lose this weight and get a girl to do it for me though.
=====
Chelsea fans have been condemned for chanting at the last match "Anton Ferdinand you know what you are",but they were only stating the obvious.
He's shit.
=====
What do we want?
To be precise!
When do we want it?
Half past seven, tomorrow night at Grimsby Tesco car park. Wear a red jumper and some jeans. Bring a packed lunch because there's going to be some team building exercises.
=====
After claims Justin Bieber had fathered a child, his management said, "While we haven't yet seen the lawsuit, it's sad that someone would fabricate malicious, defamatory and demonstrably false claims."We will vigorously pursue all available legal remedies to defend and protect Justin against these allegations."
A lot of unnecessary words when all they had to say was, "You all know he loves cock."
=====
I always wear noise canceling headphones when I masturbate.
It sounds ridiculous, but I got tired of hearing people yell at me on the bus.
=====
I've reset my controller configuration for Michael Owen on FIFA 12:
A: Injure hamstring.
B: Injure hamstring.
X: Gaze at pitch from bench.
Y: Injure hamstring.
=====
Got my own back today!
Had to paint some lines for the car park at the toaster factory.
Made them all just a little bit to small to fit a car in.
=====
As we surpass 7 billion people on the planet, the challenge to find Wally is becoming all the more difficult.
=====
What do you get if you cross a cake with a Hi-Fi?
A gateau blaster.
=====
Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for som red hot phone sex.
"Tell me you are wearing no knickers" I said
"Actually, I'm not", she replied.
"OOOOOOOhhhhhhh, you mucky little minx, what are you doing" I asked provocativly.
"Having a crap" wasnt really the answer I was looking for.
=====
I don't believe in signs anymore. Just today I saw one which read ' WOMEN', but after opening the door all that I found inside was a fucking toilet.
=====
My wifes made a right mess of the garden.
But at least I know the woodchippers working properly.
=====
I was in the pub last night and this massive thug, all tattoos and shaved head, came crashing in looking for a fight.
He stood on a table in the middle and shouted "Everyone on the left side of the room is a wanker!
Who wants to argue?"
No-one moved, everybody just stared at their pint, hoping not to catch his eye.
Then he shouted "Everyone on the right side of the room is a poofter! Anyone disagree?"
For a minute, no-one moved, then a little old man stood up.
The thug glared at him and shouted "You! You looking for trouble?"
And the old man said "No. Not at all. But I think I'm sitting on the wrong side."