Katie Price is like a toilet at the Glastonbury Festival.
Full of shit and constantly engaged.
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It might be the wine talking...But more likely it's Dave, the guy I have locked down in my wine cellar.
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They say that one in five friends have difficulty sleeping.
Took me all night but I've narrowed it down to Alan or Steve.
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I was bursting for a piss but my wife was sat on the toilet, so I took aim and pissed into the sink.
"That's disgusting," she snapped. "You've dribbled all over the floor. If you were that desperate you could've at least done it in the shower."
"Why would that have been any better?" I asked.
"Because you're already in the fucking shower!"
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I was in the pub with my girlfriend last night when she said, "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, babe," I replied, stroking her hair. "What is it?"
She said, "Why are you with me?"
I said, "Because I love you."
"I know, but this is the ladies toilets and I'm trying to have a shit."
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Whenever I dump a Japanese girl, they act like everything is fine.
It's like I have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
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I went for a swim to take my mind off the terrible drought we're experiencing.
I managed 25 lengths of the back garden.
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"What am I going to do?" cried my tearful elderly relative. "My winter allowance won't cover my gas bill?"
"But it is rather large, have you had the heating on full blast or something?" I exclaimed.
"Hardly at all, I've just cooked a few puddings and stuff for some people," she sniffled.
"But the bill's nearly 43 grand! Just how many puddings have you been making Aunt Bessie?"
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Some Saturdays, I Like to go to the DW Stadium.
I'm not a Wigan fan or anything. I just like some alone time.
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As I knelt by my wife's grave, I started to cry.
It was the most beautiful patio I had ever seen.
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I was very upset when I received a text from my long term girlfriend : "I'm breaking up with you. Your cock is too big and it hurts me."
I feel much better now that she's told me that she sent it to the wrong person.
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SKY News: Thieves are stealing telescopes off Blackpool front during the night and replacing them with kaleidoscopes.
Police say there may be a pattern developing.
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I'm not one to brag about my penis, but when I heard about the hosepipe ban I was slightly worried there for a second.
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My doctor told me to stop drinking.
Then he told me to stop laughing.
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Funny how Britain's Got Talent starts, a load of people dance on stage and now it won't stop raining.
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I got caught secretly filming at the back of the cinema during a romantic film.
It was just as they started kissing, when the girl whispered to her boyfriend, "That creepy man over there is filming us."
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The Hunt for Bin Laden, ITV 9 - 11.
Oh such sweet ironic scheduling.
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I can't believe my best mate, Gavin, has died of severe heartburn.
Gav is gone.
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I let out a really loud fart in the restaurant last night.
The bloke sitting at the table next to me said, "That's disgusting. If you do it again, I'll tell the manager."
So, me being me, I decided to do it again.
He instantly walked up to the manager and complained.
Fucking bastard, got me sacked.
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The MP's that run the country have accused Rupert Murdoch of not being fit to run a company.
That's like having your babysitting skills criticised by the McCann's.
Two Welsh lads have been fined in Australia, for breaking into a waterpark for a swim with dolphins, before kidnapping a penguin and taking it home.
They must have been completely shitfaced to confuse that with a sheep.
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I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing.
I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.
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BBC News: 'MP's suggest reusing your bath water to help drought'.
I tried it.
My cup of tea was fucking awful.
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Tulisa is World's Sexiest Woman?
Well, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for farting.
Only for singing or trying to go down on me.
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I'm delighted that Roy Hodgson has got the England manager's job.
It's certainly going to be entertaining when he talks about the "World Rankings".
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My girlfriend and I had a game of draughts earlier.
She opened the window, I countered by leaving the back door ajar.
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My boss told me I was a useless wanker today.
I was so upset, I nearly let go of his cock.
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I gave my crazy little reptile some Prozac the other nite.
Now he's a calmer Chameleon.
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A girl I fancy told me she loves men who can make her laugh.
So I showed her my penis, she was in stitches for hours, but still refused to go on a date with me.
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I was teaching my son how to skip stones across the water today.
I'm no longer welcome at the swimming baths.
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I went back to a girls place last night. As soon as we got naked she pulled out a big dildo.
She stood there holding the sex toy and said, ''Why the fuck do you have this up your arse?''
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Rambo number 5 announced today.
Stallone's character is looking for a little bit of Monica in his life, a little bit of Erica by his side.
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Modern Nursery Rhymes.
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the Kings horses and all the Kings men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again,
As they had no method statement, risk assessment, permit to work or lifting plan.
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There is no I in team, but there are three U's in shut the fuck up.
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I was desperate to lose my virginity so I decided to try my mate's advice and have sex with a watermelon.
Now I can't get the fucking thing out of my arse.
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Fabrice Muamba's return to the Reebok Stadium last night was greeted with a standing ovation from both sets of crowds. Afterwards he was kind enough to give an interview with Sky Sports.
"You do know you may never play again?" Geoff Shreeves asked.
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Lady Gaga recently admitted that she smokes weed while writing songs.
That must be why she keeps forgetting they've already been written by Madonna.
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My wife forgot our anniversary.
"Where's the romance gone?" I moaned.
"Who cares?" she replied, "At least they left us with straight roads."
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Whoever snuck the s into fast food was a clever bastard.
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I hate it when my Korean girlfriend gives me those puppy dog eyes.
The only way I can swallow them is to imagine they are cherry tomatoes.
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What happened to the Chinese athlete who lost his races?
His trainers kept falling off.
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Jordan "I've got a stalker".
Bollocks, She's so unpopular even her shadow doesn't want to follow her.
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I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
"Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife.
I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."
"Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"
"So can you" I said, "This isn't our house anymore."
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I had a banging headache the other day and was moping round the house feeling sorry for myself. Eventually my wife told me that if it was that serious I should go see a GP.
Stupid advice really.
If anything all the noise from the engines just made me feel worse.
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As I stood by the clock factory which was burning to the ground, where I had worked for the last 10 years.
I couldn't help but think I was inhaling second hand smoke.
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Tulisa said:
"The FHM shoot is without a doubt the sexiest thing I've ever done.
I believe in embracing being sexy but I'm not one to agree with stripping off for the cameras."
No, just sucking dick..........Badly.
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My wife constantly calls me a control freak.
Because I make her.
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My wife was so upset about the drought she threw herself into the road..........and drowned.