"Kin ya tell whad it iz yet?"
Yes.
A sex offender.
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Mum used to tell me that having one testicle does not make someone a freak.
I still say it's creepy, and she should have it removed.
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BBC NEws: Psychologists who have examined Oscar Pistorius say that he is at risk of suicide.
Especially if he confuses himself with a burglar.
Twat.
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Only Andy Murray could have the same facial expression when he loses Wimbledon as when he wins.
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Not saying I have a bad case of the farts, but I'm basically breathing out through my arse at the moment .
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Bit unfair of Glastonbury to put Dolly Parton on at 5pm on a Sunday, given her strict working hours.
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People say gambling ruins lives but it's brought our family closer.
We had to move to a one-bedroom flat.
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Blimey, the way things are going at the moment - the BBC won't have any footage left of the 60s, 70s or 80s.
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My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communication issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work.
So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
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Just read that Jimmy Savile used to rear chickens.
Is there nothing that man wouldn't have sex with?
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One way or another I'm going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics.
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I asked my mate: "Would you shag your own nan for £500?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," He replied. "That's a tough one."
"What about for £5,000?"
"Definitely not."
"That doesn't make sense?" I said.
"Yes it does," He replied, "I haven't got £5,000."
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Alan Shearer: That walk to the penalty spot is the longest walk of your life.
He'd obviously never seen Rolf and his family arriving at Court.
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And as a recently convicted Australian paedophile tucks into his first bowl of prison porridge...
...kin ya tell that it's jizz yit?
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BBC's Panorama will be outlining the issues of overcrowded prisons, the UK is currently facing.
Yeah, thanks to the broadcaster's former employees.
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My cousin died after going to 15 bars.
You shouldn't fuck about in a hyperbaric chamber.
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My mate tells all the girls he chats to that he lasts ages in bed.
He reckons, it sounds better than telling them he's on the dole, and doesn't get up until lunchtime.
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BBC News: A Brixton vicar is offering a reward of £10,000 cash to help stop gun violence.
Brilliant.
Now people with guns just found out about a vicar who has £10,000 in cash.
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It would be nice to see Columbia win the World Cup.
They've made some brilliant films.
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My cooking is horrible, but it improved a little bit when I figured out that the smoke alarm isn't a timer.
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Tim Howard could have saved my parents marriage.
I didn't believe the adverts, so I went to Aldi to see if I could save money.
It's true, I did.
You wouldn't catch me buying any of that fucking shit.
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"Well, the world cup is entering it's final stages."
Said Roy Hodgson about ten days ago.
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Sky Sports News: USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup.
President Obama says no hard feelings and that any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about.
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Although Rolf Harris has been found guilty, he deserves the gratitude of the nation.
Over the last couple of weeks there's been no whining scousers on the news, bleating on about Hillsborough.
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What do you call a wookiee in a coma? Schubacca.
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I once met a blind Russian guy named Dmtr.
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If the camera adds 10 pounds, why does my cock still look tiny in every picture I take of it?
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A new study says it's harder to sleep when there's a full moon.
Personally I sleep really well when there's a full moon.
It's when I wake up that's the problem.
My clothes are torn and about seven people are dead.
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The Sun: Hillsborough inquiry hears how 96 people had lucky escape from Jimmy Savile.
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The Government has decided that we need to understand the gunpowder plot in modern terms.
So from this year on Guy Fawkes Night will now be known as 5/11
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"No, I told you, we're not having sex until we are married".
"Oh come on, I'm really horny babe"
"No. Now hurry up and say your vows, everyone's waiting"
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See, Rolf Harris' downfall was that he said he'd never been to Cambridge, but the prosecution showed a TV show filmed in Cambridge with him in it.
Plus he molested a load of kids.
Twat.
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This is the headline I have wanted to see all way through the World Cup 'Chiles knocked out'
Imagine the disappointment when I found out it was the country and not the TV presenter.
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The Star: Lindsay Lohan is suing the makers of Grand Theft Auto 5 for defamation.
The character they based on her, without permission, was nowhere near stupid or slutty enough.
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"I'll be at the mixed doubles this afternoon."
"Ah! Wimbledon?"
"No, I'm a chronic alcoholic."
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Drive-by hootings.
The most common form of owl on owl violence.
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I wish I'd invented the word "envy".
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BBC News: Pope excommunicates Mafia.
In other news: Pope missing. And nobody saw nothing.
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I got pulled over by a female police officer yesterday.
I rolled down my window and asked "What's the problem Officer?"
"NOTHING!"
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When I was little, my uncle always used to say it was magic.
Now I know it was just Viagra.
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Barack Obama has told US World Cup hero Tim Howard to shave off his beard to avoid adoring fans when the team arrive home.
Nothing to do with the fact it makes him looks like a radical Islamic terrorist then.
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A professor is sent to daeepest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, maths and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."