I've eaten so much over this Christmas period that I needed a midwife to help me take a shit.
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My car has heated seats, and even a heated steering wheel.
But only in the Summer.
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My new girfriend gave me a 30 second blow job last night:
"That was great" I said, "I just wish it was longer."
She said, "me too, my nose is killing."
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"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."
"Oh, it's definitely semen, I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
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I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
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I believe in traditional Biblical Marriage:
One man and his sister,
One man and his dead brother's wife,
One man and one woman and her servants,
One man and his rape victim,
One man and many women,
One man and 700 women and 300 concubines,
One man and one woman and her slaves,
One soldier and his virgin prisoners,
Just not one man and one man. That would be immoral.
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I'll be honest, the only time I'd ever want to be 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' would be if I was chasing them.
With an axe.
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Italian is such a beautiful language, everything sounds good enough to eat.
Cassonetto Stupro, for example, sounds like a delicious pasta dish.
Translated?
Dumpster Rape.
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Make up sex is stupid, I just ended up with mascara on my balls.
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One day I might just change all of my passwords to 'Women' since nobody can seem to figure them out.
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BBC News: The satellite North Korea launched a couple of weeks ago is unstable, and could collide with several American and British satellites.
Or as North Korea calls it, The whole fucking point.
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I had a mouthwatering experience this morning.
Positively the last time I try to have a piss with a hard-on.
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To the driver in front of me.
It's a speed bump, not a fucking land mine.
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I walked into the bathroom and caught my mate using my toothbrush.
"What the fuck!" I yelled. "How would you like it if I did that in your house?"
"You wouldn't need to," he replied. "My house has toilet roll."
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Sky News: To date, eight celebrities have been arrested as part of Operation Yewtree.
Jim Davidson's arrest takes that total to eight.
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I'm always getting strange looks from everyone because I like to have a piss with the door open.
They need to mind their own fucking business and pay more attention to their driving.
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Someone should perfect a bread recipe based around dill.
How many women would admit to kneading their dill dough?
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I finally understand the meaning of Steps' hit song "5,6,7,8."
It was Claire Richards' order at the Chinese Takeaway.
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Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian's 24/7.
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So, the UK's first hand transplant operation has taken place.
The lengths some people will go to make it feel like
someone else is doing it.
A survey on the decline of morals in Britain, reveals that in Essex alone, on each day last week, an average of 256 women, made love to an un-married man.
The man is now recovering in hospital.
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Thank fuck Jim Davidson didn't go into the big brother house.
Frankie Dettori only looks about 12.
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Ironically, Channel 4 will have more viewers than ever now that Big Brother shas started on Five.
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I've discovered that I'm a wizard.
I can take full control of my brother's actions using a bottle of whiskey and the magic phrase, 'I bet you can't do that'.
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BBC News: A man is making good progress after having a hand transplant.
Doctors say that in a week he should be able to move his fingers and in 2 weeks he should be able to beat Audley Harrison.
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I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
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I had a quiet New Year's Eve. Nothing to drink, TV switched off by 8.00pm, then bed with a long sex session to end the night.
I fucking hate prison.
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My love is like a candle.
Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.
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What's a necrophiliac's favourite position?
Decomposition.
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I met a blonde in a club last night and I asked, "What's your name?"
"It's K," she replied.
"That's sexy," I said, "What's it short for?"
"So I can spell it."
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I tried to convince my little girl that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo your pants.
But she didn't buy it. She's still making fun of me.
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Scorpions are nature's way of saying "Fuck you, I'm gonna combine lobsters, spiders, wasps and nightmares."
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I'm hoping Demba Ba signs for Swansea.
Just to hear thousands of Welshman singing his surname.
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At school I had the nickname 'Slugger'
I wasn't hard or anything, I just used to pull the shells off snails.
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They say the easiest way into a woman's pants is to make her laugh.
My only problem is that they only start laughing once they're into mine.
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I'm about to join the Secret Club.
I can't tell you how excited I am.
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According to the new NHS anti-smoking advert, every 15 cigarettes causes your body to mutate.
If my calculations are correct, by this time next year I'll be a fully fledged member of the X-MEN.
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I was just trying to explain to my 3 year old cousin why my dog is a 'her' not a 'him'.
Now my fingers smell and everyone's crying.
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I'm not saying my ex is fat, but the first time she tried pole dancing she snapped the pole and ended up taking all the fucking phone lines down with her.
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Sir Alex Ferguson will be celebrated the New Year at 12:08am.
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The only thing more depressing than my birthday is Valentine's Day.
My birthday reminds me I'm another year closer to dying.
Valentine's Day reminds me I'm another year closer to dying alone.
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To cut an article out of the Kerrang magazine, you will need rock paper scissors.
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"What the fuck," I shouted, "you pulled out right in front of me!"
"That was your fault," she snapped.
"I don't think so, love. Look at the damage; you've buckled my front left wheel!"
"You're just being ridiculous now," she responded. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Look," I replied. "Let's exchange details and get this mess sorted out."
"Oh for fuck's sake," she retorted, "just get another trolley and grow up."