If you don't think I'm a nosy bastard then why did you write that in your diary?
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Why would you spend £90 on an England shirt when you can have bell end tattooed on your forehead for half the price?
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I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
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If Karma really does exist, Osama bin Laden will be lying at the bottom of the sea with a plane on his head.
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A new US reality show is soon to hit our screens in which single women are duped into believing they could get married to Prince Harry.
There's a twist though.
He looks just like Harry..
He talks just like Harry..
And he even acts just like Harry, but he's not really Prince Charles' son.
Just like Harry.
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What's got two legs, four arms and one face?
Oscar Pistorius and Reena Steencamp.
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Ladies breastfeeding in public are a miserable bunch.
They never smile in my pictures.
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"I'd like to make an appointment to see the doctor about my dyslexia."
"Certainly," said the receptionist. "What's your name please?"
"Mr. Kulczycki."
"Can you spell that for me?"
"No."
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The letter "g" is in the the word exaggerate 5 times.
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If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck.
Should I really be having sex with it?
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I just trained my dog how to fetch a beer. Now this may not sound all that impressive, but he gets them from my neighbour's fridge.
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"You're a useless parent Dave."
"Says who?"
"Says Tom and Suzanne"
"Who the hell are Tom and Suzanne?"
"Your son and your daughter,Dave."
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I went into a dingy gym, and a huge bodybuilder sidled up to me.
"Are you the guy with the 'roids?" he asked furtively.
"No, I just didn't feel like sitting down."
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My mate got totally pissed last night and ended up sleeping with a woman with a really tight vagina and the most massive clit he'd ever seen.
Apparently it's all a bit hazy, but he reckons her name was Brian.
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I stopped off at the church and asked the priest if I should maybe light a candle for my dear granddad.
He said it would be more Christian if I paid off his electric arrears for him.
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Mary Berry's Cream Pie.
I love cookery videos but that's fucked up.
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"If you were shipwrecked on a desert island, what's the one thing you'd like with you Dai?"
"A sheep."
"Nice. All that lovely roast lamb, mutton broth and some delicious chops will keep you going for ages. Plus the fleece will keep you warm, you can make tools from the bones and you could use the skin for a hammock."
"Oh yeah, I hadn't thought of that."
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BBC News: Thai satellites have picked up lots of objects in the area flight MH370 is thought to have come down.
Yeah, that'll be all the boats looking for the plane.
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I took a picture of myself with books on my head.
Yep, it's a shelfie.
Someone really should tell Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin that getting consciously uncoupled can only be done by sentient railway carriages.
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Sky News: After 40 years Jo Milne, the woman from Gateshead has regained her hearing.
Anyone else wonder how she got a Geordie accent?
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I saw a Scottish £10 note in the street and took the appropriate action.
Fucking left it there.
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I got sacked from my job in a posh hotel for folding a dead swan into the shape of a towel and leaving it on someones bed.
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'Barabara Knox, AKA Corrie's Rita, arrested on suspicion of drink-driving'
"We obtained footage from ITV which showed her drinking in a pub called The Rovers Return earlier in the evening" said a policeman
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"Homosexuality is unnatural and just plain wrong" said the priest, as he put the body of Christ in his mouth.
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The government is encouraging parents to read their children bedtime stories about nutrition.
So last night I read, "The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fibre Diet."
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They say the best things in life are free.
But I would happily pay £50 to see Justin Bieber mauled to death by a tiger.
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Saying that electronic cigarettes may be a gateway to children smoking tobacco is like saying that lollypops might be a gateway to them sucking cock.
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I bought some Shredded Wheat.
It's like regular wheat, but it's got a six pack.
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Russia is a country full of contradictions.
For example it's world famous for ballet, yet extremely homophobic.
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I bought the very first 'Now That's What I Call Music' compilation album in 1984.
Since then, they've had to remove the words 'That's What I Call Music' for legal reasons.
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A blonde woman named Sue marries a Yorkshire farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to Sue, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
The farmer leaves for the field, and after a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. "I came to inseminate the cow." he says.
Sue takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Sue sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, because I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple", she confidently explains, "By the nail that's over its stall".
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for"?
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."