What did the pig say to the fox?
'Come with us please sir, you're under arrest'
=====
I give white van drivers a bad name.
And the occasional rude hand gesture.
=====
My ex is just like Heather Mills.
She only wears half the shoes she buys too.
=====
Wetherspoons toilets.
So nasty even the insects wear overalls.
=====
Ten times this week I've seen the same bloke with one eye in Tesco.
He must be thinking the same about me,
only five times.
=====
I've got a long night ahead of me.
My pet chameleon's escaped again.
=====
Two unicorns walked on the beach, right up to the water's edge, looking at the boat sailing off in the distance.
One said to the other, "Oh, shit, was that today?"
=====
Jousting.
Said the Brummie to the Bee.
=====
The BBC.
The DFS of sex abuse.
Abuse now, pay in thirty years.
=====
"You haven't seen 'Shawshank Redemption'? Where have you been for the last twenty years?" I asked the new guy at work.
"In prison," he said.
=====
I got in touch with a "no win, no fee" company about a nasty accident I'd suffered at work.
Apparently, shitting yourself in a quarterly review isn't worthy of a claim.
=====
The binary version of 101 Dalmatians isn't nearly as impressive as the original.
=====
After learning that I'd won the lottery, my brother came running to me saying that he didn't have a pot to piss in and could I help him.
It was a pleasure to help him out, and the pot only cost £2.99.
=====
MUSIC NEWS: The police have released something new.
Dr fox after 8 hours of questioning.
=====
Son: "I've got a boyfriend and a girlfriend."
Parents: "What are their names?"
"Their?"
=====
Nice try Clooney.
"Wedding" eh?
I'm onto you.
I know a casino heist when I see one.
=====
On holiday this year, I was touched by the hand of Jesus.
Some of those Mexican bars are well fucking dodgy.
=====
"Daddy, can we go to a haunted house this year?"
"What's wrong with the one we live in?"
"WHAT?"
"Goodnight son"
=====
I keep getting spam emails offering me penis enlargements and diet supplements.
Someone knows far too much about me.
=====
My son couldn't be bothered to go to his Hereditary Apathy Support group today.
I would've made him, but, y'know.
=====
What do you call a fat Psychic?
A large.
=====
My mate told me that he got home last night, completely piss drunk, and decided to surf some porn on his laptop.
It turns out that he realised, half an hour later, that he'd been wanking into a pizza box.
=====
I asked my doctor if it was normal for guys to get an erection when he sticks his finger up their ass during a prostate exam.
"Yes" he replied, "but your the first one to grab my wrist and ride it reverse cowgirl. "
=====
On his expulsion from the BNP, Nick Griffin said: Those dirty white bastards have had it in for me for years.
What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?
One's a kangaroo and the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.
=====
If I was a teacher, I'd never want to be the really nice one that everyone adores and respects.
They're always the ones that get shot or stabbed.
=====
I pulled my pants out my arse earlier.
That's when the birthday kid's mother said, "What kind of sick magician are you?"
=====
I was caught in traffic this morning.
Stupid prison overalls.
=====
My mate weighs 23 stone, and he was upset to be teased when he went to Florida on holiday.
Apparently they called him 'anorexic' and 'twig.'
=====
After winning £55k in libel damages, Gerry McCann has said the Sunday Times behaved "disgracefully."
Pot, kettle, black?
=====
I've got a new ring-tone.
It's a sort of light brown colour
=====
So if kids nowadays are the Youtube generation, does that mean that everyone my age is the Yewtree generation?
=====
My Gran just got the Internet, and asked me what 'scat porn' means.
So I sent her a screen dump.
=====
A foreign bloke asked me "What are those really annoying black and yellow creatures that sting people?"
"They're called Traffic Wardens. "
=====
I saw a mate yesterday and he was covered cuts and bruises. "Hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened to your face."
"I was at home yesterday when I got a call from my sexy next door neighbour telling me she'd slipped a disc getting into to the bath and needed some help to get out."
"Really? But how does that explain the face?"
"Ever tried sprinting though three locked doors."
=====
BBC News: Customs Officials in Rome have seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican.
Which can only mean that George Michael just received a giant box of communion wafers.
=====
I woke up this morning, dripping in sweat and thought I might have contracted an STD.
Then I realised you need to actually be having sex to get one of them.
=====
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it any more, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."