Things are getting so bad down at Coronation Street that soon the only man left on set will be Hayley.
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It's time that we realised torture doesn't work.
And nothing will make lobsters talk.
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So, Winston Churchill is to appear on the back of the £5 note from 2016.
Well, I for one shall spend them on the beaches.
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Hugh Hefner is famous for bedding women younger than him.
To be fair, he doesn't have a choice these days.
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For my pals who think they have OCD: I have a drawer that's not quite shut.
For my pals with trust issues: I may be lying about that drawer.
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"Have you been drinking, sir?" asks the policeman.
"Go, Pikachu! Thunderbolt!"
"Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
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The vineyard Toby Maguire purchased with his Spiderman payment has been forced to close, after falling into a state of disrepair.
Surely he should know with grape flower comes great responsibility.
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BBC News: 'Woman on hen party dies in M62 crash'
That was tragic, Though, I would say having a hen party on the M62 wasn't wise and she brought it upon herself but the giant L plate on her back should have been a warning to other drivers.
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What's black and white and tastes like a horse
Cow.
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'George at ASDA are proud to release their summer 2013 collection*'
*Warning*: May Contain Traces Of Rubble.
Too soon?
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What's the collective noun for a group of Afghan children ?
According to my American dictionary it's "collateral".
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Facebook emailed me today, 6 of my friends have birthdays this week.
Great, that's 6 parties I'm not invited to.
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I've been seeing a psychiatrist for the past few months.
I don't have mental health issues, she just has a cracking pair of tits.
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"What's your name?" asked my new doctor.
"Wayne."
"And your last name?"
"It's always been Wayne."
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I call my ex Karma.
she's a bitch.
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Sky News: Doctors have warned that up to a thousand people in Britain might still die from the human form of Mad Cow Disease.
Don't these guys watch the news? The panic's over. No-one in Britain has ever actually eaten cow meat.
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I just explained Google images to my mum.
'Pick anything to search for', I said.
She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.
'Except that.' I said.
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I want to defend a penguin in court just so I can say, "Your Honour. My client is clearly not a flight risk."
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I phoned my boss today to say that I wouldn't be going in.
He said, "Again? What is it this time?"
I said, "My Uncle's hamster died."
He said, "You can't be serious."
"I am," I replied. "He was very old."
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A man walks into a bar...
"Fuck off Ken you're not welcome here anymore"
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What did the nurse say when I gave her a pint of blood?
"That's great but I ordered a white wine spritzer."
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Why is Justin Beiber so pale?
Because there's no sun in the closet.
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My Grandad was telling me before processed meat he'd often eat liver, kidneys, heart and even tongue.
That stopped after he was sacked as a pathologist.
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The Jeremy Kyle show, sponsored by Foxy Bingo.
The only thing foxy about the Jeremy Kyle show is that, like foxes, the people on it look like they also rummage through peoples bins looking for something to eat.
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... .. .... ....... ..... .. ......
David Blunkett's resignation from parliament.
I'm planning to gain a degree in Philosophy, so I can ask people "Why would you like fries with that?"
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What do you get if you put the head of a cat on the body of a dog?
Contacted by the RSPCA.
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BBC News: Michael Jackson was "Scared to death, riddled with self loathing and doubt, an emotionally paralysed mess".
Seems like we had more in common than I thought.
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My wife cooks the meanest pasta.
Last night it mocked my tiny penis and insulted my ginger son.
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I read in the Telegraph that dementia patients are to be fitted with GPS devices in case they wander off.
I can't see that working, my nan can barely remember how to open the fridge, let alone work a fucking TomTom satnav.
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"Can we have sex tonight", I asked my wife.
"No, I feel like shit", she replied.
Kinky bitch.
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I couldn't believe that ITV broadcasted the sex offenders' register.
Then I realised I was watching the credits for Coronation Street.
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It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it, I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
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When I found out my son was born deaf, dumb and blind.
I did what any responsible parent would do and registered him for the World Pinball Championships.
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Whats the difference between Chucklevision and 9/11?
Lots of things.
you people sicken me.
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I read on a dating website 'Single blind woman looking for love.'
She'd probably do better if she was listening for it.
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Anyone else find it ironic that Ken Barlow is an anagram of "Law Broken"?
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Just read that statistic that 1 in 2 long term smokers die and decided to take up smoking myself
Fuck it, there's a 50% chance I'll become immortal.
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Before wanking, I like to sit on my hand until it goes numb and cold.
Then it feels like every person I've ever made love to.
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Is it safe to wash down anti-depressants with Jack Daniels and Coke?
I sometimes wonder if I'm fit to be a GP.
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Nothing quite gets my rocks off like my catapult.
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Its hard saying the right thing as a policeman.
I've just been officially reprimanded for trying to comfort the mother of the victim with
"We would have come earlier, but she wasn't dead then".
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An older woman went to the surgeon to find out how much a face lift would cost her.
"A face lift is about £1000"
"Oh my, I don't have quite that much money, are there any cheaper alternatives?" asked the woman.
"Well, I do have a new procedure we are trying out. It is a knob that is installed on the back of your head, and whenever you notice wrinkles appearing, you turn it clockwise a bit, and it tightens the skin. As long as you wear your hair down, no one will notice, and it costs £400."
"hat sounds great, I will do that."
A month later the woman returns in anger, and exclaims "This knob has ruined my features. It was working great until a few days ago when I woke up with these huge bags underneath my eyes!"
"You seem to have turned that knob far to many times dear. Those are your tits"