While you were enjoying your Christmas, just spare a thought for all the knives that were used as a screwdriver.
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I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
"Awesome!" I replied.
Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
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If you're ever disappointed with what you received this Christmas just remember somewhere, someone was unwrapping a Tottenham shirt.
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"You're a bombshell" I said to this hot girl I saw.
"Well thanks!" She blushed, "It's always nice to get a compliment from a stranger."
"It's not a compliment", I replied "You look like you've fallen out of a B-52."
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I hate it when you're sitting on the bus and the local weirdo gets on and sits next to you.
You know the type. The ones that watch you masturbate.
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A policeman knocked on my door last night.
He looked at me with a tear in his eye and said, "I've got some bad news."
"You poor bastard," I said, "Come in and I'll make you a cup of tea."
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I've nicknamed my cock Nicolas Cage.
It hasn't been in anything good for a very long time.
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If it's any consolation to all the poor flooded families still with no power, TV has been utter shite this year.
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2013 years and nine months ago, God visited the 12-year-old Virgin Mary in her sleep. When He left, she was bearing his one and only child.
It's only a matter of time before Operation Yewtree catch up with Him.
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My phone just filmed a 3 hour documentary about life inside my pocket.
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I'll never forget my son's face on Christmas Day when he opened his present.
It was a picture.
He fucking loves pictures.
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Ever have one of those mornings where you can't even be bothered to get dressed?
Anyway, I was arrested at the bus stop.
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We declared war on drugs and more drugs came into the country. We declared war on terrorists and the terrorists became more prevalent in our country.
Maybe we should declare war on jobs and money and see what happens.
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Apparently, masturbating in a bath can save you up to £300 a year on toilet roll and socks.
Last year it cost me £16,800 and my job in the plumbing centre.
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I saw a bunch of people queuing outside the Apple store for the latest product and I fell asleep.
Turns out counting sheep really does work.
BBC News: Miranda Hart tells of her struggle with fame, and the depression it caused.
Don't worry Miranda, you are not alone.
Your fame depressed the rest of us too.
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If you are ever asked if "it's in yet" the proper answer is, "I don't know."
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I got some smelly stuff for Christmas.
After blocking the toilet.
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Never judge a book by its cover.
Unless you're choosing a porn mag.
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I applied for a job as a psychic after seeing a poster which read: "Can you see things others can't?"
Apparently "the funny side in 9/11" wasn't what they had in mind.
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Well it's January the third and I must admit I have not yet seen a Bulgarian. But in all fairness, I have only been in Bulgaria for three days.
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Finally, Hill wins in battle against Schumacher.
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Anyone else find it ironic that that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes, then die at the end because of their terrible driving.
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For all my Scottish mates, the 1986 calendars are the ones you can now pull out and use again.
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Michael Schumacher's management team are adamant that he will race again.
Although it might be against Stephen Hawking.
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I was out drinking with my mates at a party last night, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife.
Is she fucking insecure or what?
That's an average of 6 calls a day.
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I walked into the chemists today with a balaclava on my head.
The pharmacist screamed, "Just take the money and please don't hurt me."
"Calm down," I replied, "I'm not here to rob the place. My wgirlfriend sent me out to buy her some tampons."
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If you can spell 'Syphilis', chances are you don't have it.
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Since purchasing a Tablet, I have become extremely proficient at navigating porn websites with my nose.
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My wife said, "If there's one thing I can't stand it's nit-picking pedantry."
"That's two things."
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If match.com is the most recommended site by singles, it clearly doesn't work then.