_I was standing next to an Eskimo having a piss.
"What are those marks all down your cock?" I asked.
"They're from my wife's teeth chattering."
=====
I was feeling a bit ill, so I went to the doctor.
"Cough for me please...
"Cough again...
"Okay, I have your diagnosis: you have a cough."
Twat.
=====
Democracy: Where any two idiots outvote a genius.
=====
I saw a huge spider wearing a turban and carrying an AK-47 yesterday and I completely shit myself.
I'm guessing I have Iraqnophobia.
=====
I only had 4 pints last night and this morning I've got a terrible hangover.
That's the last time I'm drinking whisky.
=====
If we all end up going to jail for downloading music, I at least hope they separate us by music genre.
=====
Virgin Broadband.
The two main ingredients needed for a World Of Warcraft profile.
=====
I turned up at Dragon's Den earlier in full armour with a broadsword.
They looked just as confused as I was.
=====
My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.
She may be right, but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
=====
I took my 12-year-old son camping at the weekend.
As we sat around the fire he said, "Dad, I need a shit."
"Go and have one then," I said. "That's the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere you want and you can't get into trouble."
He walked off and came back a few minutes later.
"Where did you have one?" I asked.
"In your car."
=====
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too.
She began running so I ran too.
She screamed so I screamed as well.
I never even saw what we were running from.
=====
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4.
Homework: 2+4+2=8.
Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.
=====
Nobody likes surveys.
I don't know how I know that.
=====
It's funny when my wife gives me the 'silent treatment'.
Because she thinks it's a punishment.
=====
My mate phoned me this morning and said "I'm really proud of you for turning up at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night."
"Ah, so that's where I was."
=====
My week always goes.
Moooooonday, Tuuuuuuuesday, Weeeeeednesday, Thuuuuuursday, FridaySaturdaySunday.
=====
"Get off your high horse" the bloke from the RSPCA shouted.
Personally I didn't see a problem with giving him mushrooms.
=====
I used to be in a band.
We were so bad that, by popular demand, we smashed our instruments at the start of the gig.
=====
Got arrested the other day .
Apparently following a woman in Burka dressed as Robin saying " whats the plan batman " is a crime now.
=====
People with big penises are 87.29863598276340958269387% more likely to come up with stupid statistics.
=====
Sir Alex Ferguson has opted for a new training regime for under-pressure goalkeeper David de Gea that he believes will really benefit the team in the long run.
He hopes to employ the new tactics against Stoke.
"Alright David, odds are you'll be up against Kenwyne Jones on Tuesday, I want you to act big and assert your dominance"
"And then boss?"
"Make sure you're in the referee's eyesight."
"Yes boss?"
"Then you spit in his face and racially abuse him. Who knows, with any luck we could get you banned till May,"
=====
My girlfriend has just announced she's gay.
Woohoo! More anal for me!
=====
"Waitress, what's the difference between a teabag and a tampon?"
"Don't know"
"Coffee please, love."
=====
My girlfriend says her mother is feeling lonely so she has invited her round for a roast.
I thought you needed two guys for that but I'll give it a go.
=====
I'm not saying lawyers nowadays are parasites or anything, but I saw one at the fairground yesterday.
Handing out whiplash claim forms to people getting off the dodgems.
=====
I always thought auctions were really boring, but the one I went too today was really exciting.
Granted, I was sat at the back of the room with a tazer.
=====
I give up being a defeatist.
=====
I always hit the ground running.
So I walk now.
=====
Kellogg's have come up with a new cereal, its called "prostituties".
It doesn't snap crackle or pop.
It just lies there and bangs.
=====
I haven't had sex yet this year.
Last year was different though,
I didn't mention it till March.
=====
Amir Khan's fiancée: "It took me months to properly understand his accent."
You understood the millionaire bit alright though, didn't you?
=====
My Computer has a "David De Gea" Virus.
It doesnt save anything.
=====
I was going through my evening mantra:
"I am sane.
I am sane.
I am sane.
I am sane.
I am sane.
I am sane."
"No, you're not," replied my cat.
=====
My doctor said I need to do something that gets me out of the pub.
So I've started smoking.
=====
As I nervously opened my legs for the gynaecologist, I prayed to god that I was with child.
"You're not pregnant," he said.
"How can you be so sure?" I replied, crestfallen, "You haven't properly examined me."
"No, but I think my guess is accurate now that I've seen your enormous cock, sir."
=====
Can't believe it was National Ninja Day last Sunday and I didn't even notice.
=====
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
=====
If you want to know what it's like to be married, try making an audio tape of Loose Women.
Then play it back at full volume and slightly faster whilst you try to watch Top Gear.
=====
I'm all for vajazzling, but the name's horrible.
I think they should call it blinge.
=====
Got into a fight this morning while listening to some music.
I had my iPod on scuffle.
=====
I asked a girl in a bar if she was interested in having sexual intercourse with me.
"I'd rather go home and masturbate." she abruptly replied.
I said, "Fine. Let's do that."
=====
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband .
=====
My mate just put this as her status: "FUCKIN SNOW !'
For fuck sake, even snowmen are getting more action than me.
=====
As she sat there with her tit hanging in her beer, I thought, "She's been nursing that pint for fucking ages."
=====
I think my FIFA 12 is broke, David De Gea just stopped a shot.
Oh never mind, false alarm, it was an Andy Carroll shot.
=====
I dislike people who stereotype who play World Of Warcraft by saying they are virgins.
I play World Of Warcraft and I'm not a virgin.
Mind you, I do work at a morgue.
=====
Always Ultra.
Taco shells for Vampires.
=====
I was on my way to work this morning when the man sitting next to me on the train started watching porn on his laptop.
Just to make it equally awkward, I whipped my cock out and started masturbating.
=====
TOWIE = The Overpaid Wankers In Essex.
=====
What do you call an Arabian man on an aeroplane?
A passenger.
Racists.
=====
Most of the women I've spoken to have said that the size of my penis doesn't put them off having sex with me.
My hideous face and vile bodily odour take care of that all by themselves.
=====
Hate product placement? Apparently that film was going to be called the "Carphone Warhorse"
=====
The smart phone will no longer be technology just for the young, this new one has an extra large display, extra large icons on the touch screen and extra
loud sound mode.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present the all new Elderberry!
=====
Two civil servants are in the office. One turns to the other and says: "Here, I'll show you how to get some time off."
With that, he climbs up into the rafters and hangs from the ceiling.
His manager asks him what he thinks he is doing.
"I'm a lightbulb", he replies.
"Oh dear", says his manager. "I think you've been working too hard. You had better take the rest of the week off".
So the civil servant winks at his mate and leaves.
As soon as he does, the second civil servant puts his coat on and heads for the door.
"Where do you think you're going?" says his manager.
"Well", he replies. "Surely you don't expect me to work in the dark?"
"What are those marks all down your cock?" I asked.
"They're from my wife's teeth chattering."
=====
I was feeling a bit ill, so I went to the doctor.
"Cough for me please...
"Cough again...
"Okay, I have your diagnosis: you have a cough."
Twat.
=====
Democracy: Where any two idiots outvote a genius.
=====
I saw a huge spider wearing a turban and carrying an AK-47 yesterday and I completely shit myself.
I'm guessing I have Iraqnophobia.
=====
I only had 4 pints last night and this morning I've got a terrible hangover.
That's the last time I'm drinking whisky.
=====
If we all end up going to jail for downloading music, I at least hope they separate us by music genre.
=====
Virgin Broadband.
The two main ingredients needed for a World Of Warcraft profile.
=====
I turned up at Dragon's Den earlier in full armour with a broadsword.
They looked just as confused as I was.
=====
My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.
She may be right, but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
=====
I took my 12-year-old son camping at the weekend.
As we sat around the fire he said, "Dad, I need a shit."
"Go and have one then," I said. "That's the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere you want and you can't get into trouble."
He walked off and came back a few minutes later.
"Where did you have one?" I asked.
"In your car."
=====
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too.
She began running so I ran too.
She screamed so I screamed as well.
I never even saw what we were running from.
=====
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4.
Homework: 2+4+2=8.
Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.
=====
Nobody likes surveys.
I don't know how I know that.
=====
It's funny when my wife gives me the 'silent treatment'.
Because she thinks it's a punishment.
=====
My mate phoned me this morning and said "I'm really proud of you for turning up at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night."
"Ah, so that's where I was."
=====
My week always goes.
Moooooonday, Tuuuuuuuesday, Weeeeeednesday, Thuuuuuursday, FridaySaturdaySunday.
=====
"Get off your high horse" the bloke from the RSPCA shouted.
Personally I didn't see a problem with giving him mushrooms.
=====
I used to be in a band.
We were so bad that, by popular demand, we smashed our instruments at the start of the gig.
=====
Got arrested the other day .
Apparently following a woman in Burka dressed as Robin saying " whats the plan batman " is a crime now.
=====
People with big penises are 87.29863598276340958269387% more likely to come up with stupid statistics.
=====
Sir Alex Ferguson has opted for a new training regime for under-pressure goalkeeper David de Gea that he believes will really benefit the team in the long run.
He hopes to employ the new tactics against Stoke.
"Alright David, odds are you'll be up against Kenwyne Jones on Tuesday, I want you to act big and assert your dominance"
"And then boss?"
"Make sure you're in the referee's eyesight."
"Yes boss?"
"Then you spit in his face and racially abuse him. Who knows, with any luck we could get you banned till May,"
=====
My girlfriend has just announced she's gay.
Woohoo! More anal for me!
=====
"Waitress, what's the difference between a teabag and a tampon?"
"Don't know"
"Coffee please, love."
=====
My girlfriend says her mother is feeling lonely so she has invited her round for a roast.
I thought you needed two guys for that but I'll give it a go.
=====
I'm not saying lawyers nowadays are parasites or anything, but I saw one at the fairground yesterday.
Handing out whiplash claim forms to people getting off the dodgems.
=====
I always thought auctions were really boring, but the one I went too today was really exciting.
Granted, I was sat at the back of the room with a tazer.
=====
I give up being a defeatist.
=====
I always hit the ground running.
So I walk now.
=====
Kellogg's have come up with a new cereal, its called "prostituties".
It doesn't snap crackle or pop.
It just lies there and bangs.
=====
I haven't had sex yet this year.
Last year was different though,
I didn't mention it till March.
=====
Amir Khan's fiancée: "It took me months to properly understand his accent."
You understood the millionaire bit alright though, didn't you?
=====
My Computer has a "David De Gea" Virus.
It doesnt save anything.
=====
I was going through my evening mantra:
"I am sane.
I am sane.
I am sane.
I am sane.
I am sane.
I am sane."
"No, you're not," replied my cat.
=====
My doctor said I need to do something that gets me out of the pub.
So I've started smoking.
=====
As I nervously opened my legs for the gynaecologist, I prayed to god that I was with child.
"You're not pregnant," he said.
"How can you be so sure?" I replied, crestfallen, "You haven't properly examined me."
"No, but I think my guess is accurate now that I've seen your enormous cock, sir."
=====
Can't believe it was National Ninja Day last Sunday and I didn't even notice.
=====
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
=====
If you want to know what it's like to be married, try making an audio tape of Loose Women.
Then play it back at full volume and slightly faster whilst you try to watch Top Gear.
=====
I'm all for vajazzling, but the name's horrible.
I think they should call it blinge.
=====
Got into a fight this morning while listening to some music.
I had my iPod on scuffle.
=====
I asked a girl in a bar if she was interested in having sexual intercourse with me.
"I'd rather go home and masturbate." she abruptly replied.
I said, "Fine. Let's do that."
=====
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband .
=====
My mate just put this as her status: "FUCKIN SNOW !'
For fuck sake, even snowmen are getting more action than me.
=====
As she sat there with her tit hanging in her beer, I thought, "She's been nursing that pint for fucking ages."
=====
I think my FIFA 12 is broke, David De Gea just stopped a shot.
Oh never mind, false alarm, it was an Andy Carroll shot.
=====
I dislike people who stereotype who play World Of Warcraft by saying they are virgins.
I play World Of Warcraft and I'm not a virgin.
Mind you, I do work at a morgue.
=====
Always Ultra.
Taco shells for Vampires.
=====
I was on my way to work this morning when the man sitting next to me on the train started watching porn on his laptop.
Just to make it equally awkward, I whipped my cock out and started masturbating.
=====
TOWIE = The Overpaid Wankers In Essex.
=====
What do you call an Arabian man on an aeroplane?
A passenger.
Racists.
=====
Most of the women I've spoken to have said that the size of my penis doesn't put them off having sex with me.
My hideous face and vile bodily odour take care of that all by themselves.
=====
Hate product placement? Apparently that film was going to be called the "Carphone Warhorse"
=====
The smart phone will no longer be technology just for the young, this new one has an extra large display, extra large icons on the touch screen and extra
loud sound mode.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present the all new Elderberry!
=====
Two civil servants are in the office. One turns to the other and says: "Here, I'll show you how to get some time off."
With that, he climbs up into the rafters and hangs from the ceiling.
His manager asks him what he thinks he is doing.
"I'm a lightbulb", he replies.
"Oh dear", says his manager. "I think you've been working too hard. You had better take the rest of the week off".
So the civil servant winks at his mate and leaves.
As soon as he does, the second civil servant puts his coat on and heads for the door.
"Where do you think you're going?" says his manager.
"Well", he replies. "Surely you don't expect me to work in the dark?"
_
Just got the movie 'analyze this'
There I was with my wank sock and realised I'd read the title wrong.
=====
'The girl on the platform smiled ..... she must have been about 8 or 9 .. and she wore knee length white socks .. and I bet she has a hairless box.'
"STOP, STOP .... when we asked you to write our new jingle that's not quite what we had in mind Mr Glitter "
=====
A word of warning.
Never masturbate straight after chopping up hot chillies.
Not only does it sting, it will also get you thrown out of the Masterchef studio.
Bastards.
=====
Transfer deadline day for an Arsenal fan is like being in a club watching all your mates pull the best birds, while you sit in the corner, holding onto
your woman until a bigger, sexier man comes and steals her off you.
=====
I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, took a deep breath and said: "Don't forget. You're a tiger. You're a tiger. You're a tiger."
Then I mauled my wife, pissed on the sofa and left the house to hunt antelope.
=====
Static electricity and the plastic from a cigarette packet is closest I'm ever going to get to being a Jedi.
=====
Boys draw penises on steamed windows at school and yet the kid who's friends with the girls is gay.
=====
A man returns from safari and tells his friend about a narrow escape he had.
'I was by the water hole when a lion jumped out at me, so I ran for the tents, says the man. 'It had just about caught up with me when it slipped and i managed to vault over a log. The lion jumped over the log too, but then it slipped and landed on its back. By that time I was almost at the tents and I could see the safari guide with his gun, so i called out and he took aim. But he couldn't fire because the lion was only a few feet behind me. It bounded up at me, then it slipped again, and I had just enough time to duck in the camp before the guide had shot it.'
'Bloody hell,' says the friend. 'If that had happened to me, I'd have shat myself.'
'Why do you think the lion kept slipping.'
=====
The definition of irony: Asking god to help you on a science exam.
=====
I was sat on the bus to work today and you could see the relief on everyones faces that there wasn't a nutter ranting and raving.
Soon fucking changed that.
=====
Humpty Dumpty sat on a bed
Little boo peep was giving him head
As soon as he came she started to weep
She knew from the taste he had been fucking her sheep.
=====
Women are like iPhones you have to touch them all over before they respond.
Men are like BlackBerry's rub one ball and everything moves.
=====
How many Blonde's does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, if she's got the receipt.
=====
Twitter, where you try and get your useless message across in 140 characters or less.
Much like Eastenders.
=====
Common sense is like deodorant.
The people who need it most never use it.
=====
Tough game for Andy Carroll.
Football.
=====
At the start of the year, all diaries should cost £3.65 and get reduced by a penny every day.
=====
Best Facebook status ever...
Step1: Post - IT WORKED!!
Step2: Wait about 5 minutes.
Step3: Post - Right, I'm going to try out my new time machine.
=====
I feel like an overdue egg inside a chicken. I really need to get laid.
=====
I saw my ex girlfriend walking towards me in the high street today. Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone.
She walked straight up to me and said, "You're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?"
"Hold on a moment," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?"
"You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip.
=====
David Cameron survives a plane crash by the skin of his teeth and lies in a coma for 4 years. When he awakens, he asks his private secretary:
"What's the economic situation?"
"Very good," says the secretary. "3.4% growth every year."
"What's the unemployment rate?"
"Below 5%!"
"And the rate of inflation?"
"Only 1.2% at the moment."
Cameron is astonished and asks, "How much does a pint cost in the pub?"
"Three Euros fifty."
=====
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.
=====
Modesty isn't even in the top one hundred best things about me.
=====
I'll never forget the time I had to use an oxygen mask for an Easyjet flight.
It was just after the help-desk told me how much the baggage fees were.
=====
You know that funny, nervous feeling you get when you like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.
=====
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
=====
3 Blondes walk into a bar.
You'd have thought the third one would have seen what was happening and ducked .
=====
Do mermaid's vaginas smell like people?
=====
I thought I heard my cat Beatboxing today.
Turns out he was just throwing up.
=====
It's raining cats and dogs out there.
The local Chinese must've blown up.
=====
BBC News Website 'A self-guiding bullet that can steer itself towards its target is being developed for use by the US military.'
The sniper fired the bullet in Afghanistan and it successfully hit a British soldier in Northhampton.
=====
I'm not losing my hair,
It has simply re-located to my arse crack.
Such is the sting of male pattern baldness.
=====
Popularity is what people strive for when they lack the strength to be themselves.
=====
I logged onto chavslaughter.com last night.
Imagine my disappointment when all it turned out to be was a load of chavs laughing.
=====
I wonder if American schools teach their children that World War 2 ended in 1950...
You know, to make it seem like they were in it for longer.
=====
For Sale: A collection of pretty shit porn films.
One previous boner.
=====
The only reason I still have a landline is so I can find my mobile phone in the house.
=====
I left a note on my neighbour's car asking him to stop parking in front of my house.
I couldn't find any paper, so I had to use my car key instead.
=====
So I'm with this incredibly beautiful woman the other day. She's lying there naked in front of me, looking absolutely stunning.
She's trying to act cool, like she's not interested in me, but it gets to the point where i just can't take it anymore.
So I whip out my cock and start masturbating furiously.
Before I know it she's leapt up from the table, picked up her clothes and stormed out of the room.
"Oh fucking well done!" says the guy next to me. "What are we supposed to draw now?!!"
=====
I'd still piss on Piers Morgan if he wasn't on fire.
=====
She lay there screaming in agony, her body covered in fatal burns.
It was then that Superman vowed that this was the first and last time he would try and undress a woman with his eyes.
=====
At school, many people ask me why I'm so quiet all the time.
You can't really plan a killing spree out loud, can you.
=====
What's black and scares the shit out of women?
Whatever you call this thing on my cock.
=====
Okay, I know the order of the pedals are clutch - brake - accelerator, but how do I start this piano?
=====
I went to see the doctor this morning and after a thorough examination she said, "There's bad news I'm afraid, you're never going to be able to father any children."
"You mean I'm firing blanks?"
"No, it's nothing like that", she laughed, "You're just incredibly ugly".
=====
Wife: "You're a shit lover."
Husband: "Oh yeah, I don't hear you moaning when we're having sex."
=====
Husky hit by train at 125mph.
My best mate is a Villa fan and was gutted when he realised his mistake.
=====
I'm exactly three years away from being a millionaire.
This time next year, it'll be four.
=====
Reading the ingredients on the back of a shampoo bottle.
A clear sign that you're taking a shit and forgot your magazine.
=====
I rang the Paranoid Support Line earlier, they didn't answer.
I think they're ignoring me.
=====
Normally, I can't dance to save my life.
Yet after I step in dog shite I can Moonwalk, Dougie and Cha cha slide.
=====
Step one: Buy a sheep.
Step two: Name it "Relation".
Now you have a relationsheep.
=====
My Girlfriend wants to kiss me after a blowjob but If I drink milk out of the carton I'm disgusting.
=====
If you gave rohypnol to a elephant, will it remember.
=====
"What do we want?"
"Maturity!"
"When do we want it?"
"Haha. You said tit."
=====
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Oh what's the fucking point, I'll never get laid.
=====
I'm watching the show 'VH1: Guess the year'.
I've correctly guessed each time that it's 2012 but yet they're playing really old songs!
Looks like someone is losing their jobs in the morning when that gets out .
=====
People say alcoholics won't find the answer to their problem at the bottom of the glass.
As an alcoholic, my problem is I hate being sober, so I disagree.
=====
You know it's Cold outside when you see a Chav walking round with his Trousers Pulled up.
=====
My specialist subject on Mastermind would be 'Things only I know'
Just got the movie 'analyze this'
There I was with my wank sock and realised I'd read the title wrong.
=====
'The girl on the platform smiled ..... she must have been about 8 or 9 .. and she wore knee length white socks .. and I bet she has a hairless box.'
"STOP, STOP .... when we asked you to write our new jingle that's not quite what we had in mind Mr Glitter "
=====
A word of warning.
Never masturbate straight after chopping up hot chillies.
Not only does it sting, it will also get you thrown out of the Masterchef studio.
Bastards.
=====
Transfer deadline day for an Arsenal fan is like being in a club watching all your mates pull the best birds, while you sit in the corner, holding onto
your woman until a bigger, sexier man comes and steals her off you.
=====
I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, took a deep breath and said: "Don't forget. You're a tiger. You're a tiger. You're a tiger."
Then I mauled my wife, pissed on the sofa and left the house to hunt antelope.
=====
Static electricity and the plastic from a cigarette packet is closest I'm ever going to get to being a Jedi.
=====
Boys draw penises on steamed windows at school and yet the kid who's friends with the girls is gay.
=====
A man returns from safari and tells his friend about a narrow escape he had.
'I was by the water hole when a lion jumped out at me, so I ran for the tents, says the man. 'It had just about caught up with me when it slipped and i managed to vault over a log. The lion jumped over the log too, but then it slipped and landed on its back. By that time I was almost at the tents and I could see the safari guide with his gun, so i called out and he took aim. But he couldn't fire because the lion was only a few feet behind me. It bounded up at me, then it slipped again, and I had just enough time to duck in the camp before the guide had shot it.'
'Bloody hell,' says the friend. 'If that had happened to me, I'd have shat myself.'
'Why do you think the lion kept slipping.'
=====
The definition of irony: Asking god to help you on a science exam.
=====
I was sat on the bus to work today and you could see the relief on everyones faces that there wasn't a nutter ranting and raving.
Soon fucking changed that.
=====
Humpty Dumpty sat on a bed
Little boo peep was giving him head
As soon as he came she started to weep
She knew from the taste he had been fucking her sheep.
=====
Women are like iPhones you have to touch them all over before they respond.
Men are like BlackBerry's rub one ball and everything moves.
=====
How many Blonde's does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, if she's got the receipt.
=====
Twitter, where you try and get your useless message across in 140 characters or less.
Much like Eastenders.
=====
Common sense is like deodorant.
The people who need it most never use it.
=====
Tough game for Andy Carroll.
Football.
=====
At the start of the year, all diaries should cost £3.65 and get reduced by a penny every day.
=====
Best Facebook status ever...
Step1: Post - IT WORKED!!
Step2: Wait about 5 minutes.
Step3: Post - Right, I'm going to try out my new time machine.
=====
I feel like an overdue egg inside a chicken. I really need to get laid.
=====
I saw my ex girlfriend walking towards me in the high street today. Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone.
She walked straight up to me and said, "You're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?"
"Hold on a moment," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?"
"You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip.
=====
David Cameron survives a plane crash by the skin of his teeth and lies in a coma for 4 years. When he awakens, he asks his private secretary:
"What's the economic situation?"
"Very good," says the secretary. "3.4% growth every year."
"What's the unemployment rate?"
"Below 5%!"
"And the rate of inflation?"
"Only 1.2% at the moment."
Cameron is astonished and asks, "How much does a pint cost in the pub?"
"Three Euros fifty."
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I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.
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Modesty isn't even in the top one hundred best things about me.
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I'll never forget the time I had to use an oxygen mask for an Easyjet flight.
It was just after the help-desk told me how much the baggage fees were.
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You know that funny, nervous feeling you get when you like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.
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She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
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3 Blondes walk into a bar.
You'd have thought the third one would have seen what was happening and ducked .
=====
Do mermaid's vaginas smell like people?
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I thought I heard my cat Beatboxing today.
Turns out he was just throwing up.
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It's raining cats and dogs out there.
The local Chinese must've blown up.
=====
BBC News Website 'A self-guiding bullet that can steer itself towards its target is being developed for use by the US military.'
The sniper fired the bullet in Afghanistan and it successfully hit a British soldier in Northhampton.
=====
I'm not losing my hair,
It has simply re-located to my arse crack.
Such is the sting of male pattern baldness.
=====
Popularity is what people strive for when they lack the strength to be themselves.
=====
I logged onto chavslaughter.com last night.
Imagine my disappointment when all it turned out to be was a load of chavs laughing.
=====
I wonder if American schools teach their children that World War 2 ended in 1950...
You know, to make it seem like they were in it for longer.
=====
For Sale: A collection of pretty shit porn films.
One previous boner.
=====
The only reason I still have a landline is so I can find my mobile phone in the house.
=====
I left a note on my neighbour's car asking him to stop parking in front of my house.
I couldn't find any paper, so I had to use my car key instead.
=====
So I'm with this incredibly beautiful woman the other day. She's lying there naked in front of me, looking absolutely stunning.
She's trying to act cool, like she's not interested in me, but it gets to the point where i just can't take it anymore.
So I whip out my cock and start masturbating furiously.
Before I know it she's leapt up from the table, picked up her clothes and stormed out of the room.
"Oh fucking well done!" says the guy next to me. "What are we supposed to draw now?!!"
=====
I'd still piss on Piers Morgan if he wasn't on fire.
=====
She lay there screaming in agony, her body covered in fatal burns.
It was then that Superman vowed that this was the first and last time he would try and undress a woman with his eyes.
=====
At school, many people ask me why I'm so quiet all the time.
You can't really plan a killing spree out loud, can you.
=====
What's black and scares the shit out of women?
Whatever you call this thing on my cock.
=====
Okay, I know the order of the pedals are clutch - brake - accelerator, but how do I start this piano?
=====
I went to see the doctor this morning and after a thorough examination she said, "There's bad news I'm afraid, you're never going to be able to father any children."
"You mean I'm firing blanks?"
"No, it's nothing like that", she laughed, "You're just incredibly ugly".
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Wife: "You're a shit lover."
Husband: "Oh yeah, I don't hear you moaning when we're having sex."
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Husky hit by train at 125mph.
My best mate is a Villa fan and was gutted when he realised his mistake.
=====
I'm exactly three years away from being a millionaire.
This time next year, it'll be four.
=====
Reading the ingredients on the back of a shampoo bottle.
A clear sign that you're taking a shit and forgot your magazine.
=====
I rang the Paranoid Support Line earlier, they didn't answer.
I think they're ignoring me.
=====
Normally, I can't dance to save my life.
Yet after I step in dog shite I can Moonwalk, Dougie and Cha cha slide.
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Step one: Buy a sheep.
Step two: Name it "Relation".
Now you have a relationsheep.
=====
My Girlfriend wants to kiss me after a blowjob but If I drink milk out of the carton I'm disgusting.
=====
If you gave rohypnol to a elephant, will it remember.
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"What do we want?"
"Maturity!"
"When do we want it?"
"Haha. You said tit."
=====
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Oh what's the fucking point, I'll never get laid.
=====
I'm watching the show 'VH1: Guess the year'.
I've correctly guessed each time that it's 2012 but yet they're playing really old songs!
Looks like someone is losing their jobs in the morning when that gets out .
=====
People say alcoholics won't find the answer to their problem at the bottom of the glass.
As an alcoholic, my problem is I hate being sober, so I disagree.
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You know it's Cold outside when you see a Chav walking round with his Trousers Pulled up.
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My specialist subject on Mastermind would be 'Things only I know'