My girlfriend was looking through my DVD collection.
"What's 'Fight Club'? I've never heard of it." She said.
It's good to see the system working.
=====
Back in 1984 I used to have a game called 'Daley Thompson's Decathon' where I had to wiggle my joystick really hard.
Now in 2012 we have 'Jessica Ennis Heptathlon' - some things never change.
=====
My girlfriend's new obsession with gymnastics is getting ridiculous now.
My dick's covered in fucking chalk.
=====
Rebecca Adlington.
Living proof that your face DOES stay like that when the wind changes.
=====
Thinking on it, I really enjoyed the Olympics opening ceremony, especially how it told the history of Great Britain.
My favourite bit was the parade with all the different countries we'd conquered.
=====
"How many children have you got, my dear?" I asked a worried mother.
"Three" she replied.
"Nope. Wrong answer."
And that's how I lost my job on the children's ward.
=====
I'm not one to brag, but I could have been in this years Olympics.
If they had an event where you fall over things without spilling your beer.
=====
I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.
The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three fucking hours ago!"
=====
If Tom Daley's Dad is going to feel let down because his son came 4th in the Olympic diving, it's a good job he never found out he's gay.
=====
I am hoping that this week I will lift the Country's Olympic gold medal tally significantly.
In the best of East London traditions I will be robbing Chinese athletes at knife point.
=====
I'm not saying my last girlfriend was fat but I had to take my shoes off before I was allowed to get on her and play.
=====
Incredibly fast times in the Olympic Womens Swimming earlier this week.
Pointless screening them for drugs though.
Should be checking them for impeller upgrades instead.
=====
If you think about it, a rhino is just a unicorn that didn't moisturize.
=====
I was all up for posting a joke about being Bipolar
But what's the point?
=====
James Holmes has been formally charged with 'murder with extreme indifference'.
When asked if he had any comment, Holmes said "meh".
=====
How do you know when you've had a good wank?
When you're sweating, exhausted, gasping for breath...and finally you look down and say, "I don't remember being circumcised!"
=====
I reckon we could improve Team GB's chances in all men's swimming events by having Michael Barrymore chase after them.
Naked.
======
Sticks and stones may break by bones, but a nasty comment on twitter will get you arrested and anal raped.
Do you know how they seperate the men from the boys in the navy?
Crowbar.
=====
I blame my lack of an Olympic Gold Medal at 15 on the shortage of sports that rely purely on strong wrists.
=====
I would do anything for love.
Oh I would do anything for looove.
I would do anything for love.
But I won't do.....Ah fuck it, just stick it up there.
=====
I strapped a 16 inch cucumber to the inside of my leg at a party last night, with the aim of impressing some girls.
They all just laughed and called me a freak though.
Perhaps I should've put some trousers on.
=====
I'm amazed how much dishonesty there has been in the 2012 Olympics already.
There's a swimmer being tested for drugs, badminton players throwing game...
I'm starting to doubt it really was the Queen that jumped out of that helicopter.
=====
I took a lie detector test today after I was taken in by the police.
I tried to make a run for it, but those things are fucking heavier than they look.
=====
Anybody read Jordan's new book?
50 Shades of Cock.
=====
I like watching the Gymnastics.
Or as I call it, "How to avoid dog shit in style."
=====
Maybe it's just the stickers that are made in China.
=====
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus and he punches wolves.
Why would you kidnap his family?
=====
The only reason I wish for a baby girl is so when she has her first period, I can be there to see the look on her face when I tell her that her vagina is broken.
=====
Scientists have found that putting the phrase "Scientists have found" in front of statements will make people read it.
=====
Sorry Michael Phelps but I think you'll find that Zeus is the greatest Olympian of all time.
=====
Last week I drove past the holiday camp I last went to as a schoolboy back in 1988. It hadn't changed a bit.
One song that always reminds me of the time I spent there is 'Everywhere' by Fleetwood Mac, which was in the charts at the time.
Anyway, I was tuned to Capital Radio, and as I drove up to the site you'll never guess what song came on?
That's right. Fucking Rihanna again.
=====
My Great Grandfather was the last guy in our family to be hung.
The rest of us all have tiny penises.
=====
It must be very confusing for Bradley Wiggins being a MOD.
He's able to go faster on his bicycle than he can on his scooter.
=====
I was playing football in the garden with my mates 3 year old at the weekend and it was such good fun!!
Beat him 1,357 - 0.
=====
I was at the maternity ward this morning, the baby looked kind of weird: part white, part black, part yellow features.
"Must have been the orgy 9 months ago", I told my wife.
She looked at the baby; "I'll love him nevertheless", she said.
After a moment she added: "let's hope he just doesn't start barking".
=====
While watching the swimming at the Olympics I began to get depressed at the thought that I would never be able to compete beacuse I have big boobs.
Then I was happy because I have big boobs.
Then I was depressed again because I'm a guy.
=====
Checked in to the airport on my Facebook status earlier.
Turns out thats not what check in online means and now I've missed my fucking flight.