"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"Because you wanted to see how tall I am officer."
"Step out of the car sir."
"See! I told you."
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I don't last long at the best of times, but last weekend when the clocks went back I was finished before I'd even started.
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I was going to be a politician for Halloween at work today, but I couldn't quite fit my head up my ass
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Halloween.
The only day of the year Lady Gaga looks 'Human'.
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Is it just me, or is Kim Jong Un just a top hat and a monocle away from being a Batman villain?
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My neighbour says he works in the retail business.
Which is fantastic because my dog has just lost his in an accident.
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Nice try NASA but Bonfire Night's next week.
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"Well nan, this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it?"
"Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"
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So, the clocks went back an hour last Sunday.
Unless you belong to an organised religion'
Then you'll need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
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"You've got shit all over your new trainers."
"If you think they're bad you wanted to see the state of my legs."
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I'm so jealous of my son.
He has the coolest dad ever.
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"What a day! I accidentally threw the dog's ball off a cliff."
"Oh dear. Did you have to go down and get it?"
"Nah. I'll not need it again."
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I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now I don't have problems with salesmen or burglars.
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I'm going to a Halloween party in Essex and needed a really scary costume.
I'm going as a book.
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"You told me you had a cock like a porn star!"
"I have! Look. I'm circumcised."
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Apparently Cliff Richard spent his whole morning in a hospital after he was asked to provide sperm DNA to show whether he had sexually assaulted a boy in the 80s or not.
Although most of the time was spent with a nurse teaching him how to wank.
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So after around 10 years of ignoring the issue and doing nothing, I've finally been forced to accept the fact that I have now become a minority in my own country.
I've never actually claimed PPI.
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"There you go, a nice bowl of sexy soup."
"Sexy soup? Don't be silly. How can a soup be sexy?"
"I've spunked in it."
Girls like 'bad boys' because they're fun, sociable and don't give a shit about them.
Girls like gay men because they're fun, sociable and don't give a shit about them.
So, all 'bad boys' are just closet homosexuals.
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I win every hand of poker by bluffing.
Or do I?
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Neil Armstrong's initials are not applicable to me.
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So the UK version of Storage Hunters starts today.
Anyone else reckon they'll come across a container full of dead immigrants?
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'Time is a construct of man, a means of marking their passage through space, while also adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'
'You're still fucking late.'
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BBC News: The drink/drive limit is to be reduced in Scotland from one-and-a-half pints of beer to less than a pint.
Should have voted yes.
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I got a chainsaw in the mail today.
Now I have to send saws to five other people.
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"Put the clocks back"
A reminder to most.
A stern order in Liverpool.
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BBC News: Oscar Pistorius has been put on suicide watch.
Bill Oddie is going to present it.
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Man boobs are awesome.
Shit. Man, boobs are awesome.
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"Doctor, I found a lump downstairs this morning."
"Ok, well take off your pants."
"Where's the lump then?"
"Under my armpit, I was in my living room at the time."
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I came home early yesterday to catch my son with a cock in his mouth.
Hell of a way to find out he was a cannibal.
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I've got huge respect for the Evening Standard's London United football campaign - it's great to finally see someone care enough about these disadvantaged inner city kids to help them away from a life of knife and gun crime and into one of rape and sexual violence instead.
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Did you know, Katie Price's new children's book was originally a pop-up.
They had to abandon that idea because, the flaps kept sagging and a massive cardboard tit blinded a toddler.
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Ebola's is now in New York.
Piers Morgan sometimes works there.
Dare to dream.
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Although widely believed to be thick as pigshit, Wayne Rooney actually managed to achieve straight As at school.
The problem was the Bs were crooked and the Cs were illegible.
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Apparently, most women like bad boys.
Not my Girlfriend.
Though she quite enjoyed Hancock.
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"Have you got a pet name for my cock?"
"Yeah, I call it War."
"Really, why?"
"Because it's good for absolutely nothing."
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The Queen sent her first tweet recently.
Prince Philip did too, but his was quickly removed, he was banned from twitter and the palace have apologised to any and all offended.
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I let my girlfriend down today.
Well thats the only way she would fit back in the Box.
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I was out shopping today when I saw my doctor collapse holding his chest.
"Please help me," He pleaded.
So I phoned the surgery and the receptionist told me someone will get back to me within 48 hours.
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BBC News: A man is missing after a blaze in a fireworks factory.
Police believe he will be found in a nearby garden fairly soon.
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My motto is "Never say never."
Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.