Last night in bed with my wife, she discovered an unusual lump on my testicles.
It was ok though, it turned out to be an erection.
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ITV are to launch a singing contest for schizophrenics.
The Voices.
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I hate when I'm in a hurry at the bank and I get a really chatty cashier.
"What kind of a gun is that?" "Where did you get it?" "Does it come in different colours?"
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I have to say that just like Sergio Garcia, if Tiger Woods came to dinner I would serve him fried chicken too. Or Domino's pizza or a Chinese, as long as they deliver it.
I'm not taking any chances leaving that bastard on his own with my wife while I cook or collect it.
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I got talking to an Irish bloke in the pub last night and eventually the conversation got around to what we both did for a living.
"I'm currently working part time while going to uni" I said.
"Ah, sounds grand" he replied "I work for DeBeers"
"Wow, the diamond company?" I asked
"No" he slurred "I'll tarmac your drive for a six pack"
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They say, "a womans work is never done"
And that's the real reason it's better to be a man.
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I used to be poor.
Then I bought a Thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.
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My mate is such a strict Muslim that he won't watch anything with Kevin Bacon in it.
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What's the First Rule of Alzheimers Club again?
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I hate living in this fear of not knowing if you're going to be attacked, stabbed, even killed for reasons and beliefs that are totally beyond us.
Fucking PMT.
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I'm a victim of child abuse.
Some kids in the park called me ugly.
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What's the difference between spitting and swallowing?
A few pounds of pressure on the back of the head.
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I have such an irrational hatred of the Chinese that I paint myself yellow and shout at the mirror.
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At my check-up, the dentist told me I have six cavities. He said, 'Do you brush your teeth before breakfast, or after?'
I replied, 'No.'
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I met Megan Fox in a bar the other day. We had a long talk about the worst aspects of fame. So I asked her what she hated most about being famous.
"Everybody writes and tells fake stories about me, it really upsets me" She replied.
Then we had violent sex until the break of dawn.
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I said to my wife, "I'd love to fuck you on the snooker table."
She said, "We haven't got a snooker table."
"You haven't been in the living room, have you?"
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Suicide is never the answer.
Unless the question is, "What should Justin Bieber's next career move be?"
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There was six in the bed, and the little one said...
"Shit, does your wife drive a silver mondeo? If so, she's home early."
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I was an absolute mess after 1 pint earlier.
I threw up down my shirt, tried to finger this old lady, before shitting myself and falling asleep in the corner.
The nurses said that isn't a normal reaction to giving blood.
It's proving very difficult to find a shop selling "Left Guard" for my other armpit.
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"So, er, how's it going with the therapy for your mood swings?"
"Shut the fuck up, you gorgeously cute little bastard fuckfaced piece of loveliness!"
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After Watching the A-Team and seeing Mr-T make a machine gun out of a clothes prop a screwdriver and a rubber band, Roy Hodgson has decided he wants him to be assistant England manager to see what he can do with 11 spanners.
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"I watched Miranda last night" I said.
"Seriously?" my mate asked.
"Of course seriously! I was never even close to a fucking smile."
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BBC News: A boy born to an inmate in India, grows up, gets a job and manages to provide his mum $180 bail she's been waiting 19 years in jail for.
Worst escape plan ever.
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I went to the mortuary and had a real problem identifying my wife's body.
They were all cold, lifeless and didn't move during sex.
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If two Feminists jump off a cliff, who wins?
Society.
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"My chat up technique is not very good is it?" I said to a woman in a club.
"Don't worry about it." She replied, "your masturbation technique is probably fucking brilliant."
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I got sick of losing every dart match, I decided to rename the team 'R Cocks'
This way when the opposing teams say "We beat R Cocks again." We at least get a chuckle out of it.
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I got really moody and and irritable when I tried to give up smoking so I bought one of those 'e-cigs'.
Now all I want to do is hug people and dance.
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The new Cardiff strip is bright red.
That's dangerous.
What if their supporters have to pass a bull when they're out fucking sheep?
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Apparently if you hold a shellsuit up to your ear you can hear the sound of a Scouser breaking in to a house.
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The post office has released a new stamp honoring sex trade workers.
It will cost £1, or £3 if you want to lick it.
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Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
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Immature.
A word used by boring people to describe fun people.
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I would like to know exactly what makes the topless protesters mad enough to protest topless so we can do more of it.
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Life without women would be a total pain in the ass.
If you know what i mean.
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I don't know why they rushed to get that baby out of the toilet pipe in China.
If they had given it a few more years he would've come out of the sewers as a ninja master after al that training from Splinter.
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While I was masturbating today my penis started bleeding.
I got so scared I shit my pants then crashed the car.
That's the second time I've failed my driving test this year.