There were five in the bed, and the little one said -
"These NHS cuts are getting a bit much."
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"Release the Kraken!" I shouted, in my best 'Greek God' voice.
"Right, that's it!" she shouted, pulling up her knickers. "You can just fuck off and have a wank.
=====
I've just seen the new Batman shampoo in Tesco.
I believe they are missing a key market by not producing a conditioner Gordon.
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A blind guy walked straight into me today.
I gave his dog a really dirty look.
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BBC News: Justin Bieber got caught doing 50 in his Lamborghini..
Mr Cent was unavailable for comment.
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"Would you mind if I nicked some milk & sugar?" I asked my neighbour this morning.
"Of course I'd mind," he replied, "I've only had this security job at Tesco for two days."
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I rang my daughters school up this morning.
"Sorry, Emily won't be in today as she's not very well."
"Oh dear," said her teacher, "what's she got?"
"P.E, Maths And English I think."
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Politicians are going to vote to stop people smoking in cars when there are children in them because they are worried about the effects on childrens' health.
Have they thought about the effect on my childrens' health of standing in the pissing rain at the side of a road while I finish my ciggy?
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My wife said I wouldn't be able to cope if she left me and, to prove it, she moved out for a week.
She called after three days to see how I was getting on.
"I'm fine, thanks," I said smugly. "It's easy! I just bought a week's worth of Pot Noodles so I won't go hungry."
"I hope you burn your mouth on the boiling fucking water!" she screamed.
Boiling water?
=====
I got bummed on my first day in prison.
I wouldn't have minded but I was only visiting my dad.
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In just 6 days, over 100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada , and is to be reviewed by President Obama.
There could be a problem though, because over 9 billion Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
=====
My mate died from 3rd degree burns over most of his body.
Apparently he called 999 to report his pants were on fire, but they thought he was lying.
=====
And the winner of the Prank of the Year 2014 award is Corina Schumacher, who dyed her hair white and told her recently awoken husband Michael it was 2020 and Sebastian Vettel has just won his 10th Formula 1 title.
=====
My new girlfriend just told me she has crabs.
I dumped her, I mean who the fuck keeps pets like that.
=====
I got a text from the really fit woman in our office. It read: "I'm thinking about you xxx"
I thought to myself, "Bollocks. I've lost that game of noughts and crosses."
=====
I said to my genie, "I want to be universally loved and adored by millions."
So he turned me into a Kilo of cocaine.
Jokes about cliques aren't for everybody.
=====
North Korea had better be careful with what it says about America.
Kim Jong-un doesn't want to wake up one morning, switch on the news and find out that he's just blown up The Empire State Building.
=====
Mesut Ozil was in the Gunners club shop. "Can I have a polo shirt, a pair of trackie bottoms, and a pair of trainers for my boss please?" he asked.
"Sure," came the reply. "But why do you need all this stuff?"
"Because my manager told me it's about time I got my Arsene gear."
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It's Deadline Day today.
That's what my loan shark is calling it.
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The last time I got laid this often I was a virgin.
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A policeman knocked on my door last night
He said, Good evening Sir, can you tell me where you were between 7 and 10?
Apparently Middle School wasn't the answer he was looking for.
=====
2003
Chris Moyles - The Savior of Radio One
2013
Nick Grimshaw - The Saviour of Local Radio.
=====
There were ten in the bed and the little one said,
"I'm not sure I'm into this polygamy thing anymore"
=====
I've just looked through the television guide and there's nothing much on tonight.
I think I'll ask my wife if she fancies an early headache.
=====
I can refute the common assumption that bachelors live off crap food.
Tonight I'm having a home made Thai green curry.
It used to be a chicken Korma but it's been in the fridge for three weeks.
=====
I dribbled past a couple of defenders before blasting wide of the target.
"Sorry, boss, I don't think I can play the second half, this diarrhoea is getting worse," I shouted from the toilets.
=====
I didn't think I was that pissed last night.
That was until I sat on the toilet and tried to put my seat belt on.
=====
My favourite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.
It's called lunch.
=====
On the night of Justin Biebers arrest, residents in Miami said they were woken by a horrible screeching noise.
Then he stopped singing, got in a car and drove off.
=====
Tony Blair has said that extremist religion is at the root of wars in the 21st century.
I didn't know worshipping US oil dollars was classed as a religion.
=====
How do you know that Ozzy Osbourne was doing a lot of drugs in the early Eighties?
Kelly Osbourne.
=====
The warning label on my smart price mustard told me to reject it if the lid appears depressed.
Of course I don't expect it to be as fucking chirpy as one from Waitrose or M&S, but how miserable can mustard get?
=====
A friend said I should try online dating, then I'll be able to find someone just like me.
Personally, I don't want to date a fat, bald man.