RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States' most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.
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I want a woman that makes my dick hard.
Not my life.
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My gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple.
Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.
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So Anders Breivik only got 21 years for killing 77 people..
I can't wait for One Direction's Norway tour.
I'll probably only get a fine.
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My girlfriend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
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Police have reported that with further observation, it turns out the lion in Essex is just a snow leopard with a spray tan and hair extensions.
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My boss called this morning and shouted, "Where the fuck are you? It's 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8."
"Relax, I'm in my office." I replied.
"Quit the shit" he roared, "I'm standing in your office."
"Oh sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job."
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What's the difference between a waiter at Nandos and a person who does fuck all?
Nothing.
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The best part about watching porn on my phone is being able to choke myself with my headphones at the same time.
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I knocked at my neighbour's door today and said, "There's been quite a lot of banging on the walls the past few nights."
"Yeah, and?"
"Well I haven't been getting much sleep," I said.
"Why are you telling me?"
"Do you know what it is?" I asked.
"No," he replied.
"Well, It's my headboard," I smiled. "I've been having sex."
You'd think Afghanisthan would have more than one Paralympian, considering the huge pool of talent we have created for them.
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Some days I like nothing more than going to the beach and chatting up a bird wearing a skimpy bikini.
But most of them think I should wear something that covers my balls a bit better.
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Sometimes when I can't sleep I try counting sheep, but my ADHD is a fucking nightmare.
One sheep, two sheep, dog, pig, old McDonald, Hey Macarena!
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Son: "I just don't understand girls."
Dad: "Don't worry, that'll change."
Son: "Will it?"
Dad: "Yes, when you get older, you won't understand women."
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At the crash scene of Cheryl Cole terrible screams were heard...Witness's feared the worst..
But it was just Cheryl's C.D. still playing.
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I saw a listing on e-bay from Dom Jolly selling some old rope.
I tried bidding but ITV beat me to it.
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As a teacher, I have a keen eye for special educational needs.
Noticing that my girlfriend liked everything her way, couldn't empathise with anyone else and was fascinated by shiny things, I thought she must be autistic.
Turns out, she's just a woman.
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My boss called me into his office and said, "I'm sorry but I have to let you go. I've built a robot which can do all the jobs you can."
"What? Why? What does it do?"
"Fuck all. But at least it's cheaper than you."
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Judge: You do realize that you are facing the electric chair, don't you?
Defendant: I don't mind facing it your honour, its the sitting down I could do without.
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So Adele has got married in secret.
The lengths some people got to, to not share a wedding cake.
If there's one thing I've learned about women over the years.
It's impossible for them say "I'm not overreacting" without screaming their fucking heads off.
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I went to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night, they really need to consider changing the name of these get togethers.
I got kicked out for turning up pissed and refusing to give my name.
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My wife came home from working a long shift to find the house in shambles. She was furious and started screaming at me.
"What did you do all day? What did you accomplish?!" she roared
So I showed her.
Now she's screaming at me for not flushing the toilet.
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My wife came home from work furious, "You'll never believe this, I have to sleep with my boss or I'm getting the sack."
Remembering her boss from the Christmas party being a hot blonde woman, I was turned on by the idea.
"Why don't you propose a threesome, that way it won't be full lesbian sex."
She phoned her boss then said, "My boss has agreed, we're doing it tonight."
"Great, when will she get here?"
"She'll be here at seven," she replied, "and Jamal will arrive shortly after."
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The American elections.
They're like choosing which surgeon with Parkinsons you want to perform brain surgery on you.
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I shouted "Bingo" at the Mecca today.
The bloke came up to me and said, "Can I see your card please."
"I haven't got one," I replied, "I'm looking for my dog."
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Just kidding with you!
You are not fat.
Come here,bring two chairs and sit down with me.
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What is the softest metal known to man ?
Bon Jovi.
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"You got your rent yet?" the landlord asked me.
"Look!" I said "For the last fucking time, I know I'm here a lot but I'm not paying any bloody rent, it's a fucking pub!"
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You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who
shot President Reagan in 1981. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie
star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to
make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President
Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from
Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley. We could all learn so much from this elegant
and gracious lady:
To: John Hinckley
From Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we
are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's
spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no
grudge against you for shooting Ronnie.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such
an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and
productive man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie
Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.