Health news: Most supermarket sandwiches contain more salt than a bag of walkers crisps.
Probably contain more crisps, too.
=====
A woman walks past a pet shop and a parrot shouts, "Oi you!"
"What?" She says.
"Yer a fat ugly cow!" Shouted the parrot.
She storms away raging, the next day it happens again.
So she goes in and tells the owner, if it happens again she's telling the police.
The next morning she swaggers by and the parrot shouts "Oi you!"
"What?" She says.
The parrot shouts, "You fuckin know what."
=====
I was sitting on the train on my way home from work today, when the woman opposite me leant forward and quietly said, "Your flies are undone and your penis is exposed."
"Oh" I said. "I've been walking around like this all day."
"How embarrassed must you feel?" she giggled.
"Not very" I said. "If I felt embarrassed I wouldn't have gotten it out in the first place."
=====
BBC NEWS- Nokia to cut another 3,500 jobs.
Nokia- Connecting People..........with the Jobcentre.
=====
Give a man some milk and he'll have coffee for a day. Give a man a cow and he'll say, "Seriously, I wanted coffee, what the fuck is this?"
=====
What do we want?
Northern Irish accents!
When do we want them?
Noiy!
=====
A woman has pains in her lower abdomen so she goes to the gynaecologist for a check-up:
"Let me have a look ... hmm ... it's quite obvious - you aren't having enough sex, but I think I can help you."
He drops his trousers on the spot and takes her over the chair.
"Now go into the next room and my colleague will give you a second opinion."
As it turns out, the colleague comes up with the same diagnosis, so he gives her a good seeing to as well and sends her into the next room for yet another examination.
The third diagnosis is, "No question. You are having too much sex!"
"But your colleagues said I wasn't having enough sex!"
"Ooo," says the doctor, "you shouldn't listen to what the painters say.
=====
Greece.Ywill get your weather back when you have paid the bills.
=====
A study suggests that the purpose of yawning may be to cool the brain.
Which apparently gets overheated when listening to a woman talk.
=====
What do Carlos Tevez and Maddie McCann have in common?
It's unlikely that you'll ever see them playing in England again.
=====
I read recently that most companies deliberately employ one useless, incompetent, talentless dumbarse, just to boost office morale, focus the other employees, and divert attention away from any management failings.
Complete bollocks! I've looked around the whole office, and none of my colleagues fit that description.
=====
I was serving this smug bastard in a suit in Burger King when he asked, "So, do you enjoy your job then?"
"Yeah, it's ok," I replied.
He said, "I'm designing a robot that, in years to come, will take your place."
"Good luck teaching it how to spit," I said, handing over his burger.
=====
I was selecting a password for my computer last night and chose 'Arseneldefence'.
I couldn't use it though. Apparently it was too weak.
=====
Isn't it funny how some people take up professions like their surname. Like Alan Carpenter is a Carpenter, Daniel Fisher is a fisherman and Titus Bramble is a prick.
=====
Yesterday my mate left his mobile in my car. So I took a photo of my penis and sent it to a random guy on his call list.
A minute later I got a text back that read, 'It looks different.'
=====
I fucking hate being dyslexic.
I went to see a comedian last night. He was shit.
He just sat on a branch trying to change colour.
=====
"Hey mate, what's that tiny little lizard-thing in your hand?"
"It's my newt."
"Yeah, I can see that. But what is it?"
=====
I raced a Prius today, I had it for the first 100 yards but I can only walk so fast.
=====
The pessimist sees only the dark in the tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees a train coming in the tunnel.
The train driver sees three complete pricks sitting on the fucking railway line.
=====
Roberto Mancini has confirmed the reason Carlos Tevez started on the bench in this week's Champions League game with Bayern Munich, is because FIFA fear a backlash from Sky HD subscribers.
It was feared that having Tevez and Frank Ribery on screen at the same time could break around 30 Million TV screens worldwide
=====
I thought I was a great lover until my girlfriend told me she had asthma.
=====
Asda have recently been named 'UK Baby Retailer Of The Year 2011'.
An upset Madonna left the store empty handed after misunderstanding the title.
=====
Two psychics met for lunch,
One said "You're fine. How am I?"
=====
I was walking home down a dark lane with the wife last night, when we were approached by a mugger with a knife.
"Give me all your cash and empty your pockets before I slash you the fuck up", he demanded.
I was just about to give him what he wanted, when my brave,sweet wife said, "You don't have the nerve, you soft arsed nut sack". Out of sheer panic, the mugger plunged the knife into her chest and fled as she crumpled to the floor.
And they say ventriloquism is a dying art!
=====
BBC NEWS "Saudi woman driver to be lashed".
I call that senseless. Wouldn't alcohol make her even worse?
=====
Cleavage, its like the sun, you can look, but its dangerous to stare.
====
Fifa 12 achievement: Get Carlos Tevez off the bench
=====
The co-writer of the long-running sitcom 'Allo 'Allo, David Croft, has died at the age of 89.
His family said "He pissed away in his slop."
Probably contain more crisps, too.
=====
A woman walks past a pet shop and a parrot shouts, "Oi you!"
"What?" She says.
"Yer a fat ugly cow!" Shouted the parrot.
She storms away raging, the next day it happens again.
So she goes in and tells the owner, if it happens again she's telling the police.
The next morning she swaggers by and the parrot shouts "Oi you!"
"What?" She says.
The parrot shouts, "You fuckin know what."
=====
I was sitting on the train on my way home from work today, when the woman opposite me leant forward and quietly said, "Your flies are undone and your penis is exposed."
"Oh" I said. "I've been walking around like this all day."
"How embarrassed must you feel?" she giggled.
"Not very" I said. "If I felt embarrassed I wouldn't have gotten it out in the first place."
=====
BBC NEWS- Nokia to cut another 3,500 jobs.
Nokia- Connecting People..........with the Jobcentre.
=====
Give a man some milk and he'll have coffee for a day. Give a man a cow and he'll say, "Seriously, I wanted coffee, what the fuck is this?"
=====
What do we want?
Northern Irish accents!
When do we want them?
Noiy!
=====
A woman has pains in her lower abdomen so she goes to the gynaecologist for a check-up:
"Let me have a look ... hmm ... it's quite obvious - you aren't having enough sex, but I think I can help you."
He drops his trousers on the spot and takes her over the chair.
"Now go into the next room and my colleague will give you a second opinion."
As it turns out, the colleague comes up with the same diagnosis, so he gives her a good seeing to as well and sends her into the next room for yet another examination.
The third diagnosis is, "No question. You are having too much sex!"
"But your colleagues said I wasn't having enough sex!"
"Ooo," says the doctor, "you shouldn't listen to what the painters say.
=====
Greece.Ywill get your weather back when you have paid the bills.
=====
A study suggests that the purpose of yawning may be to cool the brain.
Which apparently gets overheated when listening to a woman talk.
=====
What do Carlos Tevez and Maddie McCann have in common?
It's unlikely that you'll ever see them playing in England again.
=====
I read recently that most companies deliberately employ one useless, incompetent, talentless dumbarse, just to boost office morale, focus the other employees, and divert attention away from any management failings.
Complete bollocks! I've looked around the whole office, and none of my colleagues fit that description.
=====
I was serving this smug bastard in a suit in Burger King when he asked, "So, do you enjoy your job then?"
"Yeah, it's ok," I replied.
He said, "I'm designing a robot that, in years to come, will take your place."
"Good luck teaching it how to spit," I said, handing over his burger.
=====
I was selecting a password for my computer last night and chose 'Arseneldefence'.
I couldn't use it though. Apparently it was too weak.
=====
Isn't it funny how some people take up professions like their surname. Like Alan Carpenter is a Carpenter, Daniel Fisher is a fisherman and Titus Bramble is a prick.
=====
Yesterday my mate left his mobile in my car. So I took a photo of my penis and sent it to a random guy on his call list.
A minute later I got a text back that read, 'It looks different.'
=====
I fucking hate being dyslexic.
I went to see a comedian last night. He was shit.
He just sat on a branch trying to change colour.
=====
"Hey mate, what's that tiny little lizard-thing in your hand?"
"It's my newt."
"Yeah, I can see that. But what is it?"
=====
I raced a Prius today, I had it for the first 100 yards but I can only walk so fast.
=====
The pessimist sees only the dark in the tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees a train coming in the tunnel.
The train driver sees three complete pricks sitting on the fucking railway line.
=====
Roberto Mancini has confirmed the reason Carlos Tevez started on the bench in this week's Champions League game with Bayern Munich, is because FIFA fear a backlash from Sky HD subscribers.
It was feared that having Tevez and Frank Ribery on screen at the same time could break around 30 Million TV screens worldwide
=====
I thought I was a great lover until my girlfriend told me she had asthma.
=====
Asda have recently been named 'UK Baby Retailer Of The Year 2011'.
An upset Madonna left the store empty handed after misunderstanding the title.
=====
Two psychics met for lunch,
One said "You're fine. How am I?"
=====
I was walking home down a dark lane with the wife last night, when we were approached by a mugger with a knife.
"Give me all your cash and empty your pockets before I slash you the fuck up", he demanded.
I was just about to give him what he wanted, when my brave,sweet wife said, "You don't have the nerve, you soft arsed nut sack". Out of sheer panic, the mugger plunged the knife into her chest and fled as she crumpled to the floor.
And they say ventriloquism is a dying art!
=====
BBC NEWS "Saudi woman driver to be lashed".
I call that senseless. Wouldn't alcohol make her even worse?
=====
Cleavage, its like the sun, you can look, but its dangerous to stare.
====
Fifa 12 achievement: Get Carlos Tevez off the bench
=====
The co-writer of the long-running sitcom 'Allo 'Allo, David Croft, has died at the age of 89.
His family said "He pissed away in his slop."
Sky News: "Shark pulls man in a kyack"
I can well believe it, those sharks are sexy motherfuckers when they dress up as canoes.
=====
I was having a piss in the shower at the weekend. Next thing I know I'm having a ferocious wank, before breaking down in tears and shitting myself on the floor.
Needless to say, the team want me to shower at home from now on.
=====
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
=====
Love sex? Durex.
No sex? Kleenex.
=====
I got into an argument with my girlfriend. She said, "You treat this house like a hotel."
"That's outrageous! I have NEVER snorted cocaine off a hooker's tits in this house."
=====
I've just found a box full of cricket balls..........And a bag full of grasshopper penises.
=====
BBC News: Cameron appeals for Britons to tighten their belts through these rough economic times.
Shouldn't be hard, seeing as no one can afford to eat any more.
=====
What do we want?
Bigger placards.
When do we want them?
No
=====
I thought my ex-girlfriend was wrong when she told me that she was 'the one'.
So I tested her.
She didn't dodge any of the bullets and died instantly.
=====
I'll never forget my father's last words.........."Fuck me, a bus!"
=====
My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday.
He died the way he would have wanted to go.
He passed away peacefully in his sheep.
=====
I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
=====
When playing bingo, do gypsies shout out Caravan?
=====
They say your never more than 13 feet from a rat.
Unless you're a chav, even a rat has some standards.
=====
A woman goes to the psychiatrists carrying a duck under her arm. "What's seems to be the problem?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well it's not me with the problem." Said the woman, "It's my husband, he thinks he's a duck."
=====
Sober - The strange feeling you sometimes get after waking up from a really long sleep.
=====
The Rimmel adverts say, 'Get the London look'.
Cold, damp, surly and miserable then.
=====
My old granddad came to see me today, he said "listen son...I don't know if you can help, me and your nan have a bit of a problem...to be honest these days I'm struggling to maintain my wood"
"Grandad, its nothing to be embarrassed about" I replied sympathetically, "A lot of men as they get older have experienced some form of erectile dysfunction"...have you thought about seeing a doctor?"
He replied, "Thanks for the advice but what the fuck does that have to do with my fence?"
=====
My wife said "I know you don't like lesbians. However, they've invited us for a BBQ, so don't start saying inappropriate things while we're there."
So I didn't say a word.
Though I did sit there flicking beans off my plate.
=====
I've just had to have an awkward talk with a gay mate of mine who's just come out of the closet.
"Tony, how the fuck did you get in my closet?"
=====
Boyband idea for X Factor: white fella, African fella, Indian fella, Chinese fella.
Called '4Skin'.
=====
If Old MacDonald has a farm, then why can't he put some actual meat in his burgers?
=====
Why did the Man United supporter cross the road?
He was going to a home game and needed to get in a taxi to take him to the airport.
=====
I was on Family Fortunes and it was my turn to guess the answer and I got "Name an alcoholic spirit.
I was shocked to find out the George Best wasn't one of the 6 answers.
=====
Argos advised me that the delivery is going to be tomorrow between 9am and 6pm.
Nasa give a smaller window than that for an out of control satellite hurtling from space.
=====
A little boy was taken to a exhibition of abstract art by his mother. She pointed to a painting and said, "That's supposed to be a man on a horse."
The little boy replied, "Well why the fuck isn't it?"
=====
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they arrived home, they found the window cleaner dead in their front garden.
=====
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
I can well believe it, those sharks are sexy motherfuckers when they dress up as canoes.
=====
I was having a piss in the shower at the weekend. Next thing I know I'm having a ferocious wank, before breaking down in tears and shitting myself on the floor.
Needless to say, the team want me to shower at home from now on.
=====
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
=====
Love sex? Durex.
No sex? Kleenex.
=====
I got into an argument with my girlfriend. She said, "You treat this house like a hotel."
"That's outrageous! I have NEVER snorted cocaine off a hooker's tits in this house."
=====
I've just found a box full of cricket balls..........And a bag full of grasshopper penises.
=====
BBC News: Cameron appeals for Britons to tighten their belts through these rough economic times.
Shouldn't be hard, seeing as no one can afford to eat any more.
=====
What do we want?
Bigger placards.
When do we want them?
No
=====
I thought my ex-girlfriend was wrong when she told me that she was 'the one'.
So I tested her.
She didn't dodge any of the bullets and died instantly.
=====
I'll never forget my father's last words.........."Fuck me, a bus!"
=====
My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday.
He died the way he would have wanted to go.
He passed away peacefully in his sheep.
=====
I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
=====
When playing bingo, do gypsies shout out Caravan?
=====
They say your never more than 13 feet from a rat.
Unless you're a chav, even a rat has some standards.
=====
A woman goes to the psychiatrists carrying a duck under her arm. "What's seems to be the problem?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well it's not me with the problem." Said the woman, "It's my husband, he thinks he's a duck."
=====
Sober - The strange feeling you sometimes get after waking up from a really long sleep.
=====
The Rimmel adverts say, 'Get the London look'.
Cold, damp, surly and miserable then.
=====
My old granddad came to see me today, he said "listen son...I don't know if you can help, me and your nan have a bit of a problem...to be honest these days I'm struggling to maintain my wood"
"Grandad, its nothing to be embarrassed about" I replied sympathetically, "A lot of men as they get older have experienced some form of erectile dysfunction"...have you thought about seeing a doctor?"
He replied, "Thanks for the advice but what the fuck does that have to do with my fence?"
=====
My wife said "I know you don't like lesbians. However, they've invited us for a BBQ, so don't start saying inappropriate things while we're there."
So I didn't say a word.
Though I did sit there flicking beans off my plate.
=====
I've just had to have an awkward talk with a gay mate of mine who's just come out of the closet.
"Tony, how the fuck did you get in my closet?"
=====
Boyband idea for X Factor: white fella, African fella, Indian fella, Chinese fella.
Called '4Skin'.
=====
If Old MacDonald has a farm, then why can't he put some actual meat in his burgers?
=====
Why did the Man United supporter cross the road?
He was going to a home game and needed to get in a taxi to take him to the airport.
=====
I was on Family Fortunes and it was my turn to guess the answer and I got "Name an alcoholic spirit.
I was shocked to find out the George Best wasn't one of the 6 answers.
=====
Argos advised me that the delivery is going to be tomorrow between 9am and 6pm.
Nasa give a smaller window than that for an out of control satellite hurtling from space.
=====
A little boy was taken to a exhibition of abstract art by his mother. She pointed to a painting and said, "That's supposed to be a man on a horse."
The little boy replied, "Well why the fuck isn't it?"
=====
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they arrived home, they found the window cleaner dead in their front garden.
=====
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!