I've just bought the BBC advent calendar.
Every time I open a door, I have to pretend I haven't seen Jimmy Savile abusing a child.
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I was laying down relaxing with my eyes closed last night when my wife walked into the room and said, "Why don't you take your tuxedo and shoes off?"
"Because I can't be bothered."
"Did you have a good evening?"
"Yes."
"How much did you have to drink?"
"What's with all the fucking questions?" I said, "Can't you see I'm trying to have a bath?"
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I've got the best seat in the house for the Justin Bieber concert at the O2 in March.
It's within spitting distance of him.
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The last time I was at school, the headmaster said I'd never amount to much and I'd probably end up in prison.
I cried all the way home from my son's parents evening.
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Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide next month, simply because they believe the world will really end.
On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world's average IQ will be come January.
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1 in 10 mates are hated by the other 9.
I can't wait to find out who it is when the boys come back from their lads' holiday.
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I've got my fingers crossed that we have much more rain tonight, and that I wake up to at least two feet of water in my living room.
I live on the third floor in a block of flats and some bastard chavs live downstairs.
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I often have sex with girls and completely forget their name afterwards, which is really embarrassing.
It says it in big letters on their tombstone.
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I walked up to this really fat woman in a bar last night and said "Let me call..."
"What, God?" she giggled "To tell him one of his angels is missing?"
"Greenpeace actually" I replied "They're going to want to get you back into the sea"
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I'm a very valued member of my community, simply by not having an iPhone.
I have the responsibility of blaring on the fucking horn when the light turns green to get people moving.
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My wife asked me to decorate the Christmas Tree.
It took me ages!Though I'm pleased with how it looks.
I went for a magnolia gloss, to match the walls.
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I went to see a physiotherapist and said to him I've got knee complaints.
I got confused when he shouted at me, "Well stop wasting my time if there's nothing wrong with you!!!!!"
Turns out he was a Geordie.
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My wife went mad at me because I shouted someone else's name out during sex.
"Who the fuck is Dave?" She yelled.
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I know it's been a hot day when I can turn my scrotum into a willy-hammock.
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days more interesting.
Well, for example the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said " Come on man how about giving a senior citizen a break?". He ignored us and continued writing. I called him an "asshole". He glared at me and started writing a second ticket for worn-out tyres. So Mary called him a "shit-head". He finished writing the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about twenty minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived and we got on and went home.
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What's the useless piece of skin around the cunt called?
Nick Clegg.
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I had my first prostate exam this morning and I haven't stopped crying since.
I really don't think I'm cut out for this job.
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With hindsight, I wish I'd been more forward-thinking.
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I bought this hot looking girl a drink at the bar and she had the cheek to hand it straight to her boyfriend!
Normally it would annoy me but it was pretty funny watching him drink the roofies.
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Velvet Toilet Roll say that for every pack bought, they'll plant a tree.
Isn't that technically a hostage situation?
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I was sat in a restaurant last night when this drunk old tart came over:
"Anything I can do for you?" She purred.
"Yeah" I said, "get your tits out."
"Ooh...you like my titties do ya?" She giggled.
"No love" I said, "they're dangling in my curry."
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I saw a group of women talking at work today, so I barged in and said, "he is such a fucking asshole."
Suddenly I was part of the group.
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You can tell a lot about a woman by her right foot, for instance if it's travelling towards your groin at speed, she's upset with you.
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I've put a web cam in my elderly Gran's house in case she has a fall.
Since losing my job, I'm now relying on You've Been Framed for an income.
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As my wife spelt out the word 'strop' onto the scrabble board, I looked at the letters left on my rack.
A,A,C,E,H,T
With a sudden realisation I saw that this could spell catastrophe.
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I went into a T-shirt printing shop and said, "I want a purple t shirt with 'JUSTIN BIEBER IS A CUNT' in bright green letters".
The cashier said, "I'm sorry but I can't do that".
I said, "Why not?".
She said, "We're out of green .... I can do blue if you like?"
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My wife came home to find me watching TV.
Words like 'SPLAT', 'BONK' and 'KERSPLURGE' were on the screen.
"Are you watching Batman?" she asked.
"No" I replied. "Porn with subtitles."
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After putting my bottle of vodka down, storming down the stairs and beating my children for making too much noise, I realised I live in a second floor flat and don't have any children.
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A policeman pulled me over on the motorway today.
"Hang on a minute," I said to my wife on the phone. "Yes officer?"
He said, "You're talking on your mobile."
I said, "I know, I'm just telling my wife that I'm stuck in traffic and I may be home a few hours late."
"There is no traffic." he replied.
What a twat, I was winking at him as well.
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I was waiting to get served at the bar when I felt a hand gently squeezing my groin.
"Buy me a drink and I'll suck your cock," a seductive voice whispered in my ear.
I sighed, "You've spent all your money in the fruit machine again, haven't you Malcolm?"
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Just got the Chelsea 2013 calendar.
There's a little plastic bag with cut-outs of Pep Guardiola, Rafa Benitez, Steve Clarke & Jose Mourinho and a pritt stick for January.
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A man with Alzheimer's was telling a joke when all of a sudden a man with Alzheimer's was telling a joke when all of a sudden a man with Alzheimer's was telling a joke.
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The Archbishop of Canterbury has said that, for Christians, Christmas should be a time of showing peace and goodwill to your fellow man and helping the poor, the sick and the needy.
Surely for Christians those should be more year-round activities.
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I was in Asda last night when suddenly I heard a voice behind me,
"I want you inside me, now" It said, close to my ear. I turned and saw a massive fat lady looking into my eyes,
"Look love" I said, "I'm all up for a fuck but you're really not my type"
She looked at me confused, then said "I was talking to the Doughnuts."
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"Are we cool?" I said to my mate.
Bit of a daft question considering we're both Eskimos.
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Fourteen people have died in a fire at a Christmas toy factory in Germany.
One of them was my uncle, Gottfried.
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I start work with my brother at the steel mill tomorrow.
Can't wait to see that smoking hot slag he keeps talking about.
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West Ham fans.
The only supporters whose favourite song is about sucking a monkey's cock.
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Harvesting the eggs of dead women and selling them for consumption in London's finest restaurants.
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing my finest new product.
Cadaviar
Just got back from a gamblers anonymous meeting.
I was sat next to a fruit machine addict.
It was terrible, he was nudging me all night.
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When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
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A girl once told me it's not all about a woman's breast's and arse, it's what's inside that counts.
So it's about milk and shit?
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My ex is such a slag that Facebook has just listed her vagina as a place to "check in".
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A man walks into Liberia and asks for a book on dyslexia.
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I've got a dig bick.
You that read wrong.
You read that wrong too.
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My mate Dave asked, "Hey, fancy going to the strip club later?
I had to refuse because all I heard was...
"Hey, fancy going to a place where I'm going to be totally sexually aroused? I'd really like you to be there with me when it happens."
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All those years of saving and financial planning should get me through my retirement with relative ease.
As long as the world ends on Dec. 21st.
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"Have you ever hunted bear?"
"No, mate, but I went fishing once in just a pair of shorts."
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Back in the old days you needed a whole day to travel 50 miles.
Then the car was invented and people needed half an hour for the same distance.
So what have they done with the saved time?
They've built more cars and now you need a whole fucking day again.
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I swapped a homeless man a cup of coffee for a blow job.
I'll do anything for a cup of coffee.
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I used to have OCD but I'm alright now.
Well I say now, 98.487% of the time.
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It really bothers my girlfriend that, at my age, I'm really into fairy tales.
Or anal anime porn, as she calls it.
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I really can't understand why people are kicking up about the government putting a minimum price of 45p a unit on alcohol.
I for one will be rejoicing the day that Fosters becomes 22.5 pence a pint.
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As I stripped off my dates clothes I said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but did you used to be a man?"
"Damn," she replied, "I've spent £20,000 on surgery, have great tits, a nice tight pussy and a body to die for. What gave me away?"
"You've got 'Property of Kev' nametags in all of your clothes."
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Dear Santa,
I've been good all year.
OK, most of the time.
Once in a while?
Fuck it I'll buy my own shit.
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Bill Gates made his name in software.
Richard Branson made his name in air travel and media.
Donald Trump made his in property.
I made my name in alpha betty spaghetti.
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I overheard my girlfriend speaking to her friends saying she was hoping I'd 'get down on my knees and show her the ring'.
I thought that was a bit unfair because I asked her to do the same last night and she refused.
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I bumped into my old mate Kev and asked how he was keeping.
"Well since my last heart attack, I'm not allowed to smoke, drink or eat fatty foods."
"That's tough. So what do you do now then?"
"Go to church every Sunday and pray that my next heart attack kills me."
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I was wanking to lesbian porn yesterday and I couldn't believe it when my Mom walked in.
Who knew she was a lesbian?
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I've just been up to our Shetland branch to carry out 'diversity at work' training.
After the guy who wasn't ginger put in a complaint about bullying.
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I thought that I had a birth mark when I was little.
Turns out that it is a cigar burn from Jimmy Savile.
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BBC News: Police have warned that three sheep stolen from a field in West Lothian last night are unfit for human consumption, due to high levels of vaccine in their systems.
That's all right, I didn't steal them for food anyway.
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I was sitting in the police cells wishing I'd paid more attention to my wife.
Turns out 'anulled' isn't French for anal after all.
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My mate Kev's son asked me what 'gf' meant looking at his Dad's mobile.
"It means girlfriend." I told him, "When you get older you'll have one if your a nice boy."
"But....what if I don't want to be a nice boy?", he asked
"Oh in that case, you'll have several then"
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So after all these politicians are being named as paedophiles, it turns out that it's not only their expenses they fiddle.
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Apparently, I suffer from xenophobia.
I bet I caught it off some fucking foreigner.
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A shout out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy!
The rest of you, come with me.
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I really can't believe it.
My neighbour with the ridiculously firm tits just called me a pervert.
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Over the past year, I've bought every single product offered on each porn site that I've visited.
My penis is now 326 feet long.
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I was sitting with my mate having a few beers when he leaned in put his hand on my leg and said, "Fancy staying here tonight?" with a wink.
"What about work tomorrow?" I asked.
He said, "What about work?" with another wink
"You're going to look a cunt with two black eyes and a broken nose."
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I was talking to my mate Kev in the pub.
He said, "I've just got a tattoo of my wife's face right across my back".
"Wow, you must really love her?"
"Not really ... It's likely I'll be going to prison tomorrow and I'm hoping it'll put people off".
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My dog went blind last week.
So for fun, I like to wear my luminous work vest and pretend I'm a guide human.
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I work for a Nigerian bank.
Despite all the emails I've sent out, there have been no replies'
We're just going to spend the money on our Christmas party.
So fuck you.
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I've just got 12 new girlfriends.
Or as some of you call it a 6 pair pack of socks'
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I wanted to tell my daughters about the birds and the bees so I sat naked on the kitchen table and called for the oldest one.
"What is this and what do you do with it?", I asked her.
"That's a cock and you can fuck with it.", she said.
"Alright. I see you know everything, so watch yourself and try not to get pregnant. Now go and get your younger sister.", I told her.
My 9 year old daughter came and I asked her:
"What is this and what do you do with it?"
"Thats a pee-pee and you can do wee-wee with it.", she replied.
"Sure you don't know any other usage for it?", I asked.
"Not really, it's too small for a fuck."
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I've put something in a girl's drink that will make her do anything for me.
Her boyfriend's severed finger.
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A good mood is like a balloon.
One stupid little prick is all it takes to completely ruin it.
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I managed to pick up a couple of models the other night. We headed back to my flat and we got straight to it before I'd even shut the front door!
Within an hour I had managed to fuck both of them, one on the dining table and the other one I fucked on the rug. There was shit everywhere, the rug was stained and the table was all sticky.
Those Airfix kits are a fucking nightmare!
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My son is Bone Idol.
He won the new talent competition for people who look like bones.
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There's only three weeks left until Christmas.
I'd better start untangling lights.
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Mummy Bear said, "And who's been sleeping in my bed?"
Daddy bear said, "Er ... shall we go and see if anyone's been eating our porridge?"
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I took my parrot to the vet today.
I said, "He's caught a serious illness from my son."
"What does your son have?"
"Tourette's'"
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If there's one thing I learned from women, it's if she's looking me dead in the eyes while taking off her jewelry, then I'm either about to have great fucking sex, or I'm going to end up in hospital.
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Rafa Benitez' masterplan seems to be to not get Fernando Torres playing like the rest of the team.
But to get the rest of the team playing like Torres.
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I dont know what all this hype about Van Persie scoring in 30 seconds is all about.
Last time I scored in 30 seconds my girlfriend threatened to leave me.
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Lord Justice Leveson walks into a bar...(although you didn't hear that from me)