I spent most of last night listening to Prince.
Honestly, if they don't sort that fucking dog out next door, I'll go round and sort it for them.
=====
BBC News: David Cameron has said that Brussels is too big
That would make it a cabbage then.
=====
I saw a book in Waterstone's that would have made Elliot Rodger realise that he didn't have to kill anyone.
It's called "How To Suck Cock."
=====
My local takeaway are running a deal where you get your meal free if it doesn't arrive within 45 minutes.
It was quite a chase but I managed to outrun the delivery man for 20 minutes in my motorhome.
=====
Sky Sports News: "Ex Man Utd owner Glazer dies at 85."
David Moyes had better have a decent alibi.
=====
The three laws of American Engineering:
1. Always use the right tool for the job.
2. A hammer is the right tool for any job.
3. Anything can be used as a hammer.
=====
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
=====
I'm not saying I'm an ugly fucker,but not even my boomerang comes back when I throw it.
=====
BBC News: The bodies of a man and a woman have been found at the bottom of a hill near Perth.
Police say there are "Positive lines of enquiry" concerning their identities as a pail of water was found nearby.
=====
I just can't figure out why my dog licks his balls.
They taste fucking disgusting.
=====
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
=====
The local Liberal Democrat politician came to my door earlier.
He said, "I lost. Not one single vote! When I came round here last week, you promised you would vote for me!"
"Well, now you know how it feels."
=====
The doorbell went earlier.
I hate living in Liverpool.
=====
When I was a child we were so poor my parents couldn't afford to buy me any socks.
I still have my original wank shoe.
=====
SKy News: Parents of Eliot Rodger had raised alarm.
Parents of Eliot Rodger had raised a mental twat, would have been more appropriate.
=====
Do ducks ever get down in the mouth?
=====
I created an extra large scratching post for my cat today.
Well, I stood the sofa up on its side.
Same fucking thing.
=====
Merry Christmas everyone!
Best Wishes,
The Procrastination Society
=====
BBC News: Initial underwater searches for the missing Malaysian Airlines plane have ended "without finding anything concrete".
idiots, they should be looking for aluminium.
=====
Just got my Jack Wilshere world cup Panini sticker, peeled the back off and he's dislocated his shoulder.
=====
I read on a health website that you should wash your sheets every week to prevent dust mites breeding in them.
So even insects are getting laid in my bed and I'm not?
=====
Sky News:Parents of Eliot Rodger had raised alarm'
'Parents of Eliot Rodger had raised a twat.' Would be more accurate.
=====
A man has three budgies in a cage but had only paid for one of them,which one was it?
The budgie at the bottom of the cage because the other two were on higher perches.
Whenever I go to the swimming baths I stuff a balled up sock down my speedos.
In hindsight, it might not be the best idea, everyone thinks I've got a serious case of hemorrhoids.
=====
I've been grooming horses.
Those fuckers can't half eat a lot of Haribo.
=====
Imagine that Schwarzenegger was dyslexic.
"live with me if you want to come"
Would have made the Terminator movies funnier
=====
Microwaves.
For when you want a delicious scolding hot bowl of cold food.
=====
BBC NEWS: What language would jesus have spoken?
I'm not sure but I reckon it would have been pretty fucking foul once the first nail went in.
=====
Just got a warning letter from my Building Society, telling me in no uncertain terms that my house could be repossessed if I don't keep up repayments on my mortgage.
Which is pretty disconcerting.
It took a Priest four exorcisms and 700 quid to get rid of the last fucking ghost.
=====
"When did you start going to the gynecologist once a month?" I asked my wife.
"Since he came down with Parkinson's disease.", she replied
=====
Why the Lib Dems ever picked Nick Clegg as their leader in the first place is beyond me.
Poor old Cleggy hasn't been the same since Compo pushed him down that hill in an old bath.
=====
Sky News: The Chilcott Inquiry has agreed to publish the "gist" of the conversation between George Bush and Tony Blair.
Bush: "Saddam's a cunt. Let's invade"
Blair: "Yes Sir."
=====
Those scientists proclaiming graphene to be the thinnest black material ever developed have obviously never bought Aldi value bin liners.
=====
Not believing all the negative rubbish written about Katie Price and, wanting to show that someone appreciated her, I sent her one of those scented candles for her birthday.
She sent it back saying it made her fanny itch.
=====
I strongly recommend that you don't criticise your wife.
If she were perfect she would have married someone far better than you.
=====
My nan gave me two pounds for my birthday.
Fuck knows how I'm going to take care of seven hundred dogs.
=====
So, Google are to build the first self-driving cars with the only controls being an on/off button.
It might also be handy to include some way of telling them your intended destination.
=====
I too was shocked to hear that there was a video of Zayn and Louis from One Direction smoking a spliff.
I always expected them to get caught smoking a cock.
=====
I've heard that they are going to convert St Paul's cathedral into a Laserquest venue.
The idea is that you will run through the main doors and then it's pew, pew, pew, pew.
=====
I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I asked him, 'Do you
Think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
Or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said
'Then, why do you even give a shit?"