The police got me a really big bouncy castle for my birthday.
All I had to do was stand on a ledge outside my office.
=====
I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"
"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."
=====
I've committed the perfect crime.
I put a mime artist in an airtight glass box.
Nobody suspected a thing.
=====
If you play the Beatles song 'Strawberry Fields Forever' over and over backwards on your old record player, you can hear my mum shouting in the background.
"Go and get a job, you fucking sponge!"
=====
I met Slash the other day and told him I play a little guitar.
"Acoustic or Electric?" he asked.
"No a Ukulele."
=====
BBC News: A sub has reached the world's deepest place.
So Fernando Torres has started dating Katie Price.
=====
I tried taking a shit on a plane once but they took it off me at security.
=====
Turns out if you stand around the dole office looking lazy and stupid enough, people think you work there.
=====
Nicest smelling man in hospital?
Febreze Muamba.
=====
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only two, but they have to be really small.
=====
Rangers FC should hire Costa Cruises as their administrator.
They know how to run a ground.
=====
My wife confronted me earlier, "Are you fucking my sister? Mel says she saw you both in town the other day!"
Absolutely not!" I replied
"Although, I've got to admit, Claire does look a lot like your sister."
=====
I've totally lost my sex appeal.
Or 're-trial for indecent exposure' as the judge seems determined to call it.
=====
My wife and I are both enjoying the benefits of the Viagra I'm taking.
I can wank as often as I like, and she has somewhere to hang her tea towels.
=====
The player who fouled me, stood about 5 yards away as I placed the ball for the free kick.
So I took an extra long run up and launched the ball... It hit him right in the bollocks, knocking him to the ground.
It was at that point my wife ran on the pitch, picked up my son, called me a "Fucking prick," and stormed off home.
=====
I've just seen my son for the first time since shagging his mother.
"You dirty little bastard" I said smacking him around the head, "Who fucks their own mother?"
=====
The first rule of S Club is you never reform.
=====
Robert Redford, for the same amount of money you were willing to pay for one night with Demi Moore, you can get FOUR nights with David Cameron.
=====
I've just finished a marathon anal sex session with my girlfriend.
It's going to take ages to get all the peanuts out of her arse.
=====
Tulisa is suing her ex over the sex tape.
I actually feel sorry for Fazer, apart from having a stupid fucking name, he gets a shit blowjob and then he has to pay for it.
=====
Women have never had the ability to think outside the box.
Take a pair of boxing gloves.
They simply see a pair of boxing gloves.
We see a pair of boxing gloves and a challenging wank.
=====
Did you hear about the man who swallowed seven scrabble letters?
He shat himself.
=====
My wife said "Its the weekend. You should get off your fat arse, go in the garden and plant something."
So I put a bag of cocaine in her handbag, and called the Police.
=====
Perhaps fittingly, the new Titanic drama on ITV seems to be going down badly.
=====
I popped my head over my sexy neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.
"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."
"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"
"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out front."
=====
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?"
"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"
"No, that's okay."
"Great, take these to table six then."
=====
Ah yes, the night British Summer Time begins - when we all lose two hours of precious sleep;
One from the clocks going forward.
and the other from trying to work out whether the fuckers have changed automatically or not.
=====
I've been training young offenders to work at PC World.
After a few complaints though, I've had to explain that the correct phrase is "I'm ringing to arrange an installation", not "I'm gonna come round and put your fucking Windows in.
=====
My wife was furious with me the other day.
I put a stick in a non-stick pan.
=====
What's the difference between Katie Price and Guy Ritchie?,
More people have seen Katie Snatch.
=====
I thought I saw a group of paedophiles being sentenced on the news tonight.
Turns out is was Eggheads.
=====
I couldn't believe it when one of my employees told me that I didn't take workplace bullying seriously.
I gave him an official Crybaby Form to fill in anyway.
All I had to do was stand on a ledge outside my office.
=====
I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"
"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."
=====
I've committed the perfect crime.
I put a mime artist in an airtight glass box.
Nobody suspected a thing.
=====
If you play the Beatles song 'Strawberry Fields Forever' over and over backwards on your old record player, you can hear my mum shouting in the background.
"Go and get a job, you fucking sponge!"
=====
I met Slash the other day and told him I play a little guitar.
"Acoustic or Electric?" he asked.
"No a Ukulele."
=====
BBC News: A sub has reached the world's deepest place.
So Fernando Torres has started dating Katie Price.
=====
I tried taking a shit on a plane once but they took it off me at security.
=====
Turns out if you stand around the dole office looking lazy and stupid enough, people think you work there.
=====
Nicest smelling man in hospital?
Febreze Muamba.
=====
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only two, but they have to be really small.
=====
Rangers FC should hire Costa Cruises as their administrator.
They know how to run a ground.
=====
My wife confronted me earlier, "Are you fucking my sister? Mel says she saw you both in town the other day!"
Absolutely not!" I replied
"Although, I've got to admit, Claire does look a lot like your sister."
=====
I've totally lost my sex appeal.
Or 're-trial for indecent exposure' as the judge seems determined to call it.
=====
My wife and I are both enjoying the benefits of the Viagra I'm taking.
I can wank as often as I like, and she has somewhere to hang her tea towels.
=====
The player who fouled me, stood about 5 yards away as I placed the ball for the free kick.
So I took an extra long run up and launched the ball... It hit him right in the bollocks, knocking him to the ground.
It was at that point my wife ran on the pitch, picked up my son, called me a "Fucking prick," and stormed off home.
=====
I've just seen my son for the first time since shagging his mother.
"You dirty little bastard" I said smacking him around the head, "Who fucks their own mother?"
=====
The first rule of S Club is you never reform.
=====
Robert Redford, for the same amount of money you were willing to pay for one night with Demi Moore, you can get FOUR nights with David Cameron.
=====
I've just finished a marathon anal sex session with my girlfriend.
It's going to take ages to get all the peanuts out of her arse.
=====
Tulisa is suing her ex over the sex tape.
I actually feel sorry for Fazer, apart from having a stupid fucking name, he gets a shit blowjob and then he has to pay for it.
=====
Women have never had the ability to think outside the box.
Take a pair of boxing gloves.
They simply see a pair of boxing gloves.
We see a pair of boxing gloves and a challenging wank.
=====
Did you hear about the man who swallowed seven scrabble letters?
He shat himself.
=====
My wife said "Its the weekend. You should get off your fat arse, go in the garden and plant something."
So I put a bag of cocaine in her handbag, and called the Police.
=====
Perhaps fittingly, the new Titanic drama on ITV seems to be going down badly.
=====
I popped my head over my sexy neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.
"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."
"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"
"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out front."
=====
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?"
"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"
"No, that's okay."
"Great, take these to table six then."
=====
Ah yes, the night British Summer Time begins - when we all lose two hours of precious sleep;
One from the clocks going forward.
and the other from trying to work out whether the fuckers have changed automatically or not.
=====
I've been training young offenders to work at PC World.
After a few complaints though, I've had to explain that the correct phrase is "I'm ringing to arrange an installation", not "I'm gonna come round and put your fucking Windows in.
=====
My wife was furious with me the other day.
I put a stick in a non-stick pan.
=====
What's the difference between Katie Price and Guy Ritchie?,
More people have seen Katie Snatch.
=====
I thought I saw a group of paedophiles being sentenced on the news tonight.
Turns out is was Eggheads.
=====
I couldn't believe it when one of my employees told me that I didn't take workplace bullying seriously.
I gave him an official Crybaby Form to fill in anyway.
"Got. Got. Got. Need. Got. Need. Need. Got"
Another standard day for Katie Price at the STD clinic.
=====
So the new Titanic 3D is out.
Maybe they'll see the fucking iceberg this time.
=====
The wife woke me up earlier, she said "Get up love, I've brought you a McDonald's home!"
"Is it warm?" I asked. "I am not eating a cold McDonald's."
"No love, you want me to stick it in the microwave for you?"
Probably the worst McFlurry I've ever had.
=====
When someone with a crying baby sits next to me on a plane, I smile politely and say I'm legally obligated to tell them I'm a level 3 sex offender.
They soon fuck off, well away.
=====
These cops kept interrupting me when I was beating this chav.
I wish they would just leave me alone, I don't need backup.
=====
Whenever I go shopping, I like to take my 4 year old daughter to the pet aisle, and watch people's reactions when I make her try on dog collars.
=====
The other day my Nan asked me to be a dear and make her a cup of tea...
So I put on a pair of antlers and got hit by a car.
Then I made tea.
=====
In Virgin Media's recent advert they use Usain Bolt to represent their superfast internet speeds.
A bit like how Aston Villa have a lion on their club badge and Emile Heskey upfront.
=====
A local Fireman told me that you should test your fire alarms once a month.
It's costing me a fucking fortune in houses..........and fire alarms.
=====
You're not a full transsexual until you've had the hole operation.
=====
4 out of 5 dentists recommend that I wear pants for my next appointment.
=====
Cows are awesome!
I eat them and wear their skins.
They're like prostitutes I don't have to lure in to the van.
=====
I walked up to a woman at the bar last night and said: "Hey babe, my cock's just like a gun."
"Why, because it's long, hard and a great shooter?" she giggled.
"No, because I was arrested for waving it around in a bank."
=====
At my daughter's school parent's evening her English teacher pulled out an essay titled, 'What I did last weekend', handed it to me and said, "Mr Roberts, did you write this for your daughter?"
"No, of course not", I replied, trying not to look too guilty. "Whatever makes you say that?"
"I'm just a bit puzzled as to why an eight year old girl would spend three days drinking with the lads on a stag weekend in Amsterdam.
=====
This girl last night said that she'd rather perform oral sex on a diseased monkey than date me.
Well, she's in luck, because I've got a mate who works at the zoo, and he owes me one.
=====
I was sick of working in a fast food restaurant, with my life going nowhere.
So I went to university to do a philosophy degree.
Now I can ask people WHY they would like fries with that.
=====
What do you call a Scottish woman having a heavy period?
Morag.
=====
Rangers winning on Sunday was the equivalent of winning the Bingo on the Titanic.
=====
It's funny how Disney films sometimes have hidden subliminal messages.
For example, play Cinderella in reverse and it's the story of a woman who learns her place.
=====
My wife caught me having a sneaky one in the Dog and Duck.
She's reported me to the RSPCA.
=====
I must be going mad!
I've just put my wallet in the fridge instead of my trousers.
Lucky thing I noticed, otherwise I'd be going to work wearing trousers at room temperature tomorrow.
======
Why do movie sequels have a warning about copying at the start of them?
=====
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
=====
I've got tissues for the women's beach volleyball at the Olympics.
Sorry, I meant tickets ... I've got tickets for the women's beach volleyball.
=====
Anyone who says 'size doesn't matter' has obviously never been on a see-saw with a really fat fucker.
=====
A policeman pulled me over for speeding today.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?"
"Roughly about the same as you."
=====
I just woke up and couldn't move at all, at first I thought it could have been 'sleep paralysis'.
Then I realised that I'm just fucking lazy.
=====
Brian May is a slightly more optimistic version of Brian Cant.
=====
"There's good news and bad news" the doctor told me, "The good news is that your wife doesn't have Narcolepsy".
"And what's the bad news?" I asked.
"The bad news is that you're incredibly boring".
======
The police rang me today to say they've recovered my stolen sofa.
Which I thought was nice of them. It was starting to look a bit scruffy.
=====
Covering someone's eyes and saying "Guess who?" is a really fun way to make friends at urinals.
======
I was in a pub toilet stood next to a drunken man trying to piss. He was having real difficulty as he was swaying around and had a pint in his hand.
I said to him, "Here, let me hold that for you mate."
He said, "Cheers, son."
"There you go," I said, grabbing his cock. "You can drink your beer now."
======
Watches - It's what's on the inside that counts.
======
If you watch Osama Bin Laden's life backwards, it's about an ocean zombie who builds skyscrapers out of aeroplanes.
=====
A young teenager came up to me with two girls and said, "Oi mate, get me some fags will ya?"
I said, "So long as I can have one of them."
"Alright then bruv." he said, giving me the money.
I came out of the shop with the cigarettes, handed them over and said, "Right, I'll have the fitter one."
=====
I must admit, when I heard Rihanna was in a film, my hopes were set a little too high.
=====
I was out shopping the other day and was struggling to cram everything into the boot.
Next thing I know, a security guard is standing next to me.
"Come on sir. Let's put it all back shall we?"
"What are you on about mate?" I said innocently,
"Mate" he said with a sigh "Stop fucking about and just empty the welly."
=====
So apparently One Direction have been banned from having sex on their US tour.
That's about as redundant as banning Justin Bieber from shaving.
=====
A ginger bloke I work with said he was suffering with erectile dysfunction.
I tried to console him with "Why would you even NEED a hard on?"
Kind of cheered him up a bit.
=====
I watched a cookery programme today.
Really must get new batteries for the remote.