BBC News: ISIS has offered to free their remaining Japanese hostage, in return for the release of a female suicide bomber.
I don't see why, she's clearly shit at her job.
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My dad always said to me, "Take it with a pinch of salt."
Nice bloke.
Horrible fucking tea.
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I'm going to start telling women that I'm available for a limited time only and hope that their shopping instinct kicks in.
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"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it! A boy!"
It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
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Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.
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I was the first onto the scene of a horrific road crash today. I saw there was a young girl that had survived so I decided to race her to the hospital.
I got to the hospital but unfortunately the young girl never made it.
So I declared myself the winner.
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"There's only one thing you can be sure of in life," said my girlfriend, "and that is you're going to die."
Say what you like about her, but she knows how to delay my orgasm.
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Doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, point is.
You need to buy a different size bra.
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I robbed a bank earlier.
Fuck knows what I'm gonna do with all this sperm.
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Coronation Street actress Anne Kirkbride will be buried this week and her family have announced that her neck tendons will be donated to aide in the upkeep of the Severn suspension bridge.
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Shame none of the Thunderbird's enemies thought to create a flying pair of scissors.
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I only have one word for women who look at me like I'm some kind of sex object.
Hi.
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Best place to shop for Communists' clothes?
Primarx.
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At my annual performance review, my boss told me I was doing a sloppy job but that I may as well continue.
I apologized and although I felt discouraged, I continued sucking him off.
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What did Karl Marx call his horse?
Trotsky.
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Think I might go jogging tomorrow.
Or I might win the lottery.
Same odds.
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You should never judge a book by it's cover.
Unless it's got a massive cross on it and it's called,The Bible.
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I'm not saying my ex is fat, but I always struggle to lift her photograph.
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Bill Gates - "The lives of people in poor countries will improve faster in the next 15 years than at any other time in history. And their lives will improve more than anyone else's."
Hardly surprising, Bill.
They'll all be moving to fucking England.
If I'm ever found dead on some jogging trail,please let the Police know my body was dumped there and I was killed somewhere else.
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I've just been doing doughnuts in the car park.
Now I've got jam all over my cock.
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BBC News: Greek singer Demis Roussos dies of undisclosed Illness.
Bet it wasn't Anorexia.
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I looked stupid at my Scottish friend's Burns themed fancy dress party.
I went as Smithers.
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Those npoles they use to take selfies should be called egotiststicks.
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I'm the kind of guy that doesn't know when to stop.
That's why so many people have died at my blood donation clinic.
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New research suggests that women with bigger bums have smarter children.
Makes you wonder about Stephen Hawkings' mum.
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My mate's girlfriend always looks hot.
326lbs of fat will do that to a girl.
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I was watching a YouTube video about how Asteroids impacted human civilisations.
I think Tetris was more influential.
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It's disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in today's society.
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
Fucking Subway.
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As the World Economic Forum draws near to a close, people are asking what did Davos actually achieve?
Well nothing ultimately, but if I remember correctly he gave Dr Who a fucking good run for his money.
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I got myself a Kinder egg today, which was nice.
The last egg was mean and kept calling me names.
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Frankie Howerd died before the advent of social media.
Twitter ye not.
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Sky News: "Bill Roache describes Corrie star Anne Kirkbride's final days: 'She looked like a 16-year-old'"
So, in your eyes, Bill, she was well past it, was she?
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My friend said if he got a winning lottery ticket that he would give me half.
Hopefully the bit with the bar-code.
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"Have you been drinking?"
"Erm.. Of course not sir! What makes you say that?"
"You have a penis drawn on your forehead."
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I thought I was good in bed until I found out girlfriend has asthma.
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What lies at the bottom of the sea shaking?
A Malaysian Airline Stewardess's vibrator.
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Really Google Autocomplete?
You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
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Why did the blind man cross the road?
Because he thought it was a voting slip.
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The word 'tsunami' is not in my phone's predictive text dictionary.
So if you ever get a text from me saying, "Trumang!!!" get the fuck off the beach.
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Expect the unexpected.
Especially if it's an item in the bagging area.
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I bought a book on Amazon yesterday called "How To Avoid Small Talk With Your Neighbours"
I don't know what to do now, I wasn't in when they deliver it.