_What's the sound of one hand clapping?
That'll be someone having a wank.
=====
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmothers legs. Whats that?
Her grandmother replies. Thats my beaver, dear.
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. Mommy, is that your beaver? asks the girl.
Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that? her mother answers.
From Grandma, but I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.
=====
I'm having dinner in a Greek restaurant tonight.
Hopefully a German will be able to pay for it.
=====
We have a pantry at home.
Though it is time we found somewhere else to keep our pants.
=====
Is it me, or do I use too many two letter words at the start of each sentence.
=====
I was doing some decorating yesterday, so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.
=====
I said to my mate, "Bet you can't guess how much I won at the bookies yesterday?"
He chuckled, "Go on then put me out of my misery."
So I shot his wife standing next to him.
=====
Shakespeare once said: "It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography."
=====
So, Prince Philip has had an operation for Christmas.
It's an old game, but still a classic
=====
I'm so pessimistic I don't even own a glass.
=====
Charades.
It's all fun and games until your parents act out 'Summer of 69'.
=====
BBC News: Pope Condemns Glitter.
Pot, Kettle.
=====
A man went to his doctor saying "Everybody thinks I'm crazy just because I like grapes."
"That's silly," said the doctor.
"I like grapes too."
"Really?" said the man.
"Would you like to come and see my collection?"
=====
My adopted son asked if he could have a dog for Christmas.
I told him no, he lives in England now and can have turkey like the rest of us.
=====
You can tell that the character in the game Portal wasn't a man.
He'd have never got out of the first room once he realised he could use the portal gun to help suck his own cock.
=====
If Derren Brown is that good a hypnotist, how do we know that he doesn't just hypnotize us at the start of the program to think we've watched an hour of great TV?
=====
A blonde woman was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May I see your licence?
Blonde: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The blonde looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.
=====
I'm not a pessimist; I'm a depressed realist.
=====
I've just got a job at DFS.
I don't get paid for the first five years.
=====
Girlfriend told me she was going commando tonight.
Sounded great, until she smashed my window with a smoke grenade and released all my hostages.
=====
I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping.
I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.
=====
I went up to a girl in a bar and said, "Baby, Sex with me is like a roller-coaster.
"Ooh," She giggled, "Are you gonna turn my world upside down?"
I replied, "No, you'll scream the entire time and throw up afterwards."
=====
I think the worst thing about having your family gathered around your death bed is that it makes masturbating one last time incredibly awkward.
=====
Its been established that sleeping in certain positions can completely halt the ageing process.
The most common position being behind the wheel of your car.
That'll be someone having a wank.
=====
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmothers legs. Whats that?
Her grandmother replies. Thats my beaver, dear.
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. Mommy, is that your beaver? asks the girl.
Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that? her mother answers.
From Grandma, but I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.
=====
I'm having dinner in a Greek restaurant tonight.
Hopefully a German will be able to pay for it.
=====
We have a pantry at home.
Though it is time we found somewhere else to keep our pants.
=====
Is it me, or do I use too many two letter words at the start of each sentence.
=====
I was doing some decorating yesterday, so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.
=====
I said to my mate, "Bet you can't guess how much I won at the bookies yesterday?"
He chuckled, "Go on then put me out of my misery."
So I shot his wife standing next to him.
=====
Shakespeare once said: "It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography."
=====
So, Prince Philip has had an operation for Christmas.
It's an old game, but still a classic
=====
I'm so pessimistic I don't even own a glass.
=====
Charades.
It's all fun and games until your parents act out 'Summer of 69'.
=====
BBC News: Pope Condemns Glitter.
Pot, Kettle.
=====
A man went to his doctor saying "Everybody thinks I'm crazy just because I like grapes."
"That's silly," said the doctor.
"I like grapes too."
"Really?" said the man.
"Would you like to come and see my collection?"
=====
My adopted son asked if he could have a dog for Christmas.
I told him no, he lives in England now and can have turkey like the rest of us.
=====
You can tell that the character in the game Portal wasn't a man.
He'd have never got out of the first room once he realised he could use the portal gun to help suck his own cock.
=====
If Derren Brown is that good a hypnotist, how do we know that he doesn't just hypnotize us at the start of the program to think we've watched an hour of great TV?
=====
A blonde woman was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May I see your licence?
Blonde: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The blonde looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.
=====
I'm not a pessimist; I'm a depressed realist.
=====
I've just got a job at DFS.
I don't get paid for the first five years.
=====
Girlfriend told me she was going commando tonight.
Sounded great, until she smashed my window with a smoke grenade and released all my hostages.
=====
I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping.
I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.
=====
I went up to a girl in a bar and said, "Baby, Sex with me is like a roller-coaster.
"Ooh," She giggled, "Are you gonna turn my world upside down?"
I replied, "No, you'll scream the entire time and throw up afterwards."
=====
I think the worst thing about having your family gathered around your death bed is that it makes masturbating one last time incredibly awkward.
=====
Its been established that sleeping in certain positions can completely halt the ageing process.
The most common position being behind the wheel of your car.
_Has anyone ever noticed that in the film I Am Legend, Will Smith lives for years alone and is doing just fine, then a woman shows up and a day later everything falls to shit.
=====
So, 7% of all road accidents in the UK are alcohol related.
Worryingly that means 93% of them are on water, soft drinks and juice.
=====
You gotta love the taxi driver that just gave me a lift home, he was going on "I love my job, I own this car, I've got my own business, I'm my own boss, NO one tells me what to do"
I said "turn left here"
=====
I stayed in all last weekend trying to work out if 52 playing cards represent the 52 weeks of the year. If the four suits represent the four seasons. And finally, if the two jokers in the pack hold any significance to time at all.
In the end I came to the conclusion that I'm just a sad twat.
=====
Vampire teeth: check.
Cape: check.
Hollowed out pumpkin: check.
Trick or Treat Bag: check.
OK, it's time to go out and confuse old people.
=====
"Britain's last battery hen retires"
Where am I going to get my triple A's now?
=====
I'm moving to jeopardy, apparently there's going to be loads of jobs there in the New Year .
=====
I'm not saying the BBC repeats Only Fools and horses often, but the Del Boy shaped image burn in my TV says otherwise.
=====
This joke goes out to all the paranoia sufferers out there.
You know who you are............
=====
Whenever I write a sarcastic joke, I always cross the T's and roll my eyes.
=====
According to the Discovery Channel the female alligator mates once every three years and only in the dry season.
Sounds a bit like my ex.
=====
BBC Sports News: Heskey adds to Villa injury woes.
He's broken Agbonlahor's nose with a shot on goal during training.
=====
Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out.
There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once.
=====
I bought a dog whistle, but it's rubbish.
Whenever I put it in his mouth, he just starts dribbling.
=====
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
=====
I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."
He said, "You have a wee cough?"
I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"
=====
SKY News: Kim Jong Un announced as Supreme Leader.
Has something happened to Diana Ross ?
=====
My friends set me up on a blind-date yesterday, all they told me was that my date was a post-woman.
I quickly understood what they meant, when a 6ft 4" transvestite sat down at my table.
=====
If the bible has taught us anything, it's that Adam and Eve spoke parseltongue.
=====
Katie Price has hired two bodyguards to protect her from intruders.
I reckon she'll have one stationed round the back and one at her front entrance.
=====
It's always the same for dyslexic IT technicians.
They wait ages for a USB then 3 come along at once.
=====
It disgusts me how in the WaterAid advert they film a poor boy and say he will only recieve clean water if we donate now or he will die.
They were there!
Why the fuck didn't they give him clean water?!
=====
I went to the cemetery on Christmas day and laid some roses on my Grandad's grave.
Just the coffee flavoured ones though. I'm not an idiot.
=====
I've got a trial soon at Man United to see if I'm good enough for Alex Ferguson.
It's the biggest day in any young referee's career.
=====
New Year's resolution- Date more models.
Revised- Date more.
Revised again- Get a date.
Revised one last time- Stop crying whilst masturbating.
=====
So, 7% of all road accidents in the UK are alcohol related.
Worryingly that means 93% of them are on water, soft drinks and juice.
=====
You gotta love the taxi driver that just gave me a lift home, he was going on "I love my job, I own this car, I've got my own business, I'm my own boss, NO one tells me what to do"
I said "turn left here"
=====
I stayed in all last weekend trying to work out if 52 playing cards represent the 52 weeks of the year. If the four suits represent the four seasons. And finally, if the two jokers in the pack hold any significance to time at all.
In the end I came to the conclusion that I'm just a sad twat.
=====
Vampire teeth: check.
Cape: check.
Hollowed out pumpkin: check.
Trick or Treat Bag: check.
OK, it's time to go out and confuse old people.
=====
"Britain's last battery hen retires"
Where am I going to get my triple A's now?
=====
I'm moving to jeopardy, apparently there's going to be loads of jobs there in the New Year .
=====
I'm not saying the BBC repeats Only Fools and horses often, but the Del Boy shaped image burn in my TV says otherwise.
=====
This joke goes out to all the paranoia sufferers out there.
You know who you are............
=====
Whenever I write a sarcastic joke, I always cross the T's and roll my eyes.
=====
According to the Discovery Channel the female alligator mates once every three years and only in the dry season.
Sounds a bit like my ex.
=====
BBC Sports News: Heskey adds to Villa injury woes.
He's broken Agbonlahor's nose with a shot on goal during training.
=====
Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out.
There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once.
=====
I bought a dog whistle, but it's rubbish.
Whenever I put it in his mouth, he just starts dribbling.
=====
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
=====
I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."
He said, "You have a wee cough?"
I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"
=====
SKY News: Kim Jong Un announced as Supreme Leader.
Has something happened to Diana Ross ?
=====
My friends set me up on a blind-date yesterday, all they told me was that my date was a post-woman.
I quickly understood what they meant, when a 6ft 4" transvestite sat down at my table.
=====
If the bible has taught us anything, it's that Adam and Eve spoke parseltongue.
=====
Katie Price has hired two bodyguards to protect her from intruders.
I reckon she'll have one stationed round the back and one at her front entrance.
=====
It's always the same for dyslexic IT technicians.
They wait ages for a USB then 3 come along at once.
=====
It disgusts me how in the WaterAid advert they film a poor boy and say he will only recieve clean water if we donate now or he will die.
They were there!
Why the fuck didn't they give him clean water?!
=====
I went to the cemetery on Christmas day and laid some roses on my Grandad's grave.
Just the coffee flavoured ones though. I'm not an idiot.
=====
I've got a trial soon at Man United to see if I'm good enough for Alex Ferguson.
It's the biggest day in any young referee's career.
=====
New Year's resolution- Date more models.
Revised- Date more.
Revised again- Get a date.
Revised one last time- Stop crying whilst masturbating.